It appears that I am replacing Dr. Phil as the go-to source for celebrity advice. Oh yes. It’s true.
Exhibit A: Last week I wrote a scathing letter to Kourtney Kardashian in which I informed her in no uncertain terms that her baby daddy is a douche-nozzle and she needs to run away from him as fast as her little legs will carry her. Mere days later she was on my tv calling Scott a douche-bag!!!!! Granted, douche-bag is not as dreadful an insult as douche-nozzle, but she loves the guy and we can’t really expect her to be as harsh as I am. (Also she might have just possibly filmed that episode because I thoughtfully invented the phrase douche-nozzle especially for Scott.) But the point is she dumped him! After I told her to! And then he went and proved his douche-nozzle-itude by trying to guilt her into coming to his hotel to help him recover from surgery which is totally manipulative and evil and just proves that he really is as big a douche-nozzle as I told Kourtney he is. And Kim Kardashian agreed with me. It’s like Kim and I have a secret alliance going on to protect Kourtney.
Note: It’s come to my attention via a nice Twitter person and E!’s website that since that seminal “douche-bag” episode of Kourtney and Khloe aired, Kourtney has taken Douche-Nozzle Disick back. I shall pow-wow with my BFF Kim to strategize on how to remedy the situation. I might also ask Kim if she can exert some influence over her not-yet-legal sister who is now parading around without pants.
Exhibit B: Bristol Palin dumped Levi Johnston’s ass. Now, I did not explicitly tell Bristol to dump Levi’s ass but I did perhaps point out that he’s the son of a drug dealer and doesn’t know a whole lot about how a responsible parent behaves. I also may have illuminated that he’s apparently slept with every female student and Wasilla high school (I don’t have verification of this but it sure does seem as if his Johnston was making the rounds). And it became abundantly clear that he did NOT read my letter where I suggested that he get away from cameras when he went and reportedly filmed a music video making fun of the Palins. Which is, admittedly, easy money, and even Katie Couric does it but still. Not the best way to suck up to the in-laws. Side note: Do you suppose Levi wears a big up-do and glasses in the video? Anyway. Bristol did give in to pressure and granted an interview to People about the demise of this latest take on her relationship with Levi but there wasn’t a multi-page spread of her crying and main-lining ice-cream post break-up. And I think we can call that progress.
Exhibit C: Lindsay Loahn was spirited out of jail and into an undisclosed rehab facility with no fanfare whatsoever. This lack of fanfare may have been at the behest of the court system but I think we can still call it a step in the right direction. I mean, there were all kinds of photographers around when Paris Hilton got out of jail so Lindsay probably could have arranged for similar treatment. But she didn’t. And now she’s off, presumably thinking deep thoughts about her future. I’m sure she’ll be calling me for more advice any minute now.
I think all of this means that I need my own talk show. Maybe on Bravo? Though they might want me to watch all those Real Housewives they parade around and I don’t have the intestinal fortitude for that. Those Real Housewives of DC they’re about to debut don’t even live in DC. They’re all social climbers from the ‘burbs. Not power players. If they were power players? They wouldn’t get within 100 yards of a Bravo camera. Just sayin’. But more to the point, I CLEARLY need a television show where I tell celebrities how to live their lives. I would call it “Yo Mama Should Toldja” and I’d hand out the kind of advice that Kris Jenner, Dina Lohan, and Sarah Palin never thought to give their offspring. The show will lead to a book deal, a syndicated column, and a life of sitting by the pool eating bon-bons while I judge people professionally.
So, if you need me, I’ll be sitting by my phone waiting for Hollywood to come calling.