Letter to Lindsay Lohan

Dear Lindsay Lohan,


First of all, go get some nail polish remover, wipe that cuss word off you middle finger, and then get your pathetic butt back here so we can talk.

Thank you. Much better.

Lindsay, I’m going to talk to you like I’m your mother because you need a verbal beat-down from a real mama in the worst way. Your mother is a worthless fame whore and you should never, ever, ever listen to a word she says. There have been days when I have wondered what reason I could cite over the phone to CPS to get them to do a little drop by and make your moonbat mama puts some damn pants on your baby sister. She’s going the skantastic route and needs to be stopped before she and Miley start their own line of clothing that stops just north of the crotch. Don’t be giving me the whole “My mom supports our dreams” garbage. Your mom supports HER dreams. She sucks as a parent. A good mother, when told by a child that she wanted to be an actor, would have enrolled her in a community theatre acting class, let her be in a middle school production of Oliver and maybe sent her to dance camp. She would not get on the horn to Disney and prepare to fling her child into the spotlight. 18 is plenty old enough for spotlight flinging and your mama should have known better.

But. Dina didn’t give you the childhood you deserved and your dad sure as shootin’ didn’t do a damn thing toward raising you so here we are. And Lindsay? Here is not good.  Here is actually lock-up. You’re headed to jail. And I gotta tell you, I think it’s long past time you had a little “time-out” to think about your misbehavior. That’s another thing a real mom would have done for you when you were young: she would have put you in the Time Out Chair for 5 minutes and had a long talk with you about how you were acting. She would have provided boundaries so that you would have known how not to careen wildly out of control. But she didn’t so the State of California is doing it now and instead of having quiet time and a stern conversation, you’ll be showering with a lot of women who have never been in a movie but probably had equally appalling parents.

Lindsay, look, I know.  I know you had hard times.  I know going from freckle-faced sweetheart to grown-up gay girl when Hollywood expects pretty young things to hook up with Taylor Lautner-types is hard. When I first heard rumors about you and Sam Ronson, I thought “Ahhh!  That’s it! She’s having trouble finding her way out of the closet!  Maybe once she gets a handle on her sexuality and learns how to take strength in joining the ranks of great women like Ellen and that girl who was in Roseanne and my friend Jenny, she’ll be able to stop shutting down her consciousness with drugs!” Only you didn’t.  You didn’t get all the way out of the closet. And you didn’t get into a good relationship with a nice girl. You just spiraled around and around in frantic circles while the paparazzi looked on with glee.

You needed to get behind closed doors then and you need it now. You don’t need to make more movies. You sure as hell don’t need to go to more events and parties. You need to do you 90-day time out then go home. Maybe take a pottery class.  Or better yet, go to college.  Maybe Smith? Lots of pretty girls for you to date there. Not that you should be dating.  You should be learning about you. Seriously, what do you like?  Do you like acting? Maybe you’d prefer physics or sociology. You never got to go to high school and college and figure all of that out but you can still do it. You don’t have to be part of Hollywood and I would say you shouldn’t be part of Hollywood because it’s literally killing you. Yeah.  I said it. What you’re doing? Is going to kill you. Think I’m exaggerating? Two words: River Phoenix.

You have choices now, Lindsey.  Make the right ones.



P.S. Cool it with the lip filler. Seriously, your lips look like Snooki.

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14 comments for “Letter to Lindsay Lohan

  1. July 9, 2010 at 7:41 am

    Perfect. As awful as it is, I’m kind of glad she’s actually going to jail. I think she needs some time for introspection. I hope that when she gets out she finds a good therapist a couple thousand miles from LA, because obviously Hollywood is not good for her, and gets her stuff together.

  2. July 9, 2010 at 7:54 am

    I agree with your timeout thing. I hope the appeal doesn’t go through and that girl can just be AlONE and think and come out ready to fix it. Too bad she didn’t have a real momma!

  3. July 9, 2010 at 8:35 am

    Oh. My. God. I went off on Dina Lohan today too.

  4. July 9, 2010 at 9:56 am

    I have said time and time again, the girl needs to come live with me. I will make her shower every day, take her shopping at normal places with clothes that don’t show off any of her girlie bits and feed her meals that have more than 10 calories. She can watch Glee and mow the grass. She can live a life that’s normal.

    I’d like to say “See, Britney. Britney is getting her shit together you can too!”. But Britney has Jamie Spears. Lindsey is screwed. No one gives a shit about HER, everyone cares about themselves.

  5. July 9, 2010 at 10:59 am

    Very good – well said. She’s going to wish you were her mamma for sure.

  6. July 9, 2010 at 11:50 am

    I would very much like for you to send her this letter in jail. Because I think it would be awesome.

    Well said.

  7. Rebekah @ Mom-In-A-Million
    July 9, 2010 at 12:00 pm

    Oooo,then she’d be my jailhouse penpal an fall in love with me and show up on my doorstep when she was released and she’d try to run off my husband and steal my son’s love and we’d be a Lifetime movie!

  8. July 9, 2010 at 3:15 pm

    Her story reminds me most of Robert Downey Jr. for just one reason: talent. There are lots of messed up people in Hollywood and all of those stories are sad, but those two, with their massive wells of naked talent, are somehow especially heart breaking.

    Here’s hoping that Lindsay doesn’t take as long to find her way out as Robert did!

  9. July 9, 2010 at 5:02 pm

    Well said! I couldn’t agree more!

  10. July 9, 2010 at 7:46 pm

    This (hilarious) letter could be tailored a bit to a be a form letter for all out-of-control 19-22-somethings.

    The rest of us just didn’t have to go through it in public. I can’t help but root for her, you know?

  11. July 10, 2010 at 10:09 am

    It makes me sad for her really. She was an adorable child and should have had the opportunity to grow into herself.

    Her parents need some jail time, too.

  12. July 13, 2010 at 1:42 am

    Ha! This is what Lindsay gets. You break the law, you pay.

  13. August 11, 2010 at 2:52 am

    I even now cannot imagine that lindsay which we all know as currently is the exact same lindsay which starred in herbie the love bug as well as mean girls. It is just a total travesty to find out which the courts have dealt with this and the way a hollywood corporation paid out 7 figures for that story immediately after she gets outside of jail. nothing at all hotter then hollywood glorifying criminal action. The whole lohan family unit are completely out of their marbles. Dina along with Micheal did a real excellent job…not.

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