Letter to Kourtney Kardashian


Dear Kourtney,

Girl. Get. The fuck. Away. From Scott.

Listen. Lady, I’ve watched your shows for a long time. I’ve watched Scott survive a bunch of near-misses where he appeared to be cheating but had an excuse, when he was an ass but talked his way out of it, when he sucked but you forgave him. I cheered when you dumped his pompous ass. And I was shocked but not terribly surprised when you took him back. Then he knocked you up. Which was just waiting to happen. You’d been pretty frank about your inability to properly use birth control and nothing about Scott screams “I like condoms!” so it was probably only a matter of time.

I watched him get a larger and larger role on your shows, get more and more attention and in the process he’s become more and more of a douche. In fact, I think Webster’s now has a picture of Scott next to the word Douche. Massnegil is using his face in their upcoming ad campaign.

There is nothing redeeming about your boyfriend, Kourtney. Not a damn thing. He’s rude to your family, he says nasty things to women, he wear clothes so freakin’ ugly that I can’t believe you’re seen in public with him, and he appears to take no interest in the child he fathered with you. And he’s an angry, nasty, drunk.

Don’t give me this “E! edits him to look bad! He plays it up for the camera! He’s different when we’re alone!” Kourt. He shoved a $100 bill down a waiter’s throat when the waiter refused to serve him on your mother’s orders. Unless that was a stunt he and waiter agreed to before the cameras turned on, he won the Asshole of 2010 title right there in that single exchange. He is foul, disgusting, and irredeemable.

Kourtney, get out. Walk away. Kick him off the gravy train you and your family are providing for him. Without you he’s nobody and he knows it. Say “Scott Disick” and people look blank. Say “Kourtney’s douche-nozzle baby daddy” and people say “Oh GAWD that guy is SUCH a douche-nozzle! What does she see in him?” Is that the guy you want to be with? Is that who you want raising your child?  I keep reading in tabloids about how you want him to have more of a presence in your baby’s life but all I can think is how I would want him to fade out of a kid’s life because he’s not a great human being. He totally sucks as a role model, because he only seems to demonstrate bad behavior, the kind no mother wants her son to emulate. At least no mother I know.

Kourtney, you’ve got it going on. You have a couple of retail stores that make some money. You’ve got E! stuffing hundies* in your pockets. You’ve got a mom who would sleep under the baby’s crib if you asked her to and a step-dad who seems to be at least mildly acquainted with reality. You have plenty of support and plenty of income. You could do ok without Douche Lord Disick by your side. In fact, you could do great without him.

Think about it for a second. Think about not having to worry about Scott coming home drunk, Scott saying disrespectful things to other women, Scott treating service people like scum, Scott fighting with your family. Think about not having to wrestle Scott into taking care of his son the way a father should. Doesn’t a life without all of that seem lighter, freer, and more pleasant that the life you have now? I bet it does. But I also bet the ONLY way to achieve that life is to eliminate Scott.

Lots of us have your back here Kourtney. We’re rooting for you. We think Scott’s a bad boyfriend and a worse father.  He’s not going to change but you can change how close you keep him. You can toss him and his ugly blazers and pretentious pocket squares right out on his ass and be done with him.You can be a better mom in the one easy step of removing a train-wreck waiting to happen form your son’s life.

It’s up to you but I just wanted you to know that I think he sucks and you’d be better off without him.

Sincerely,

Mom-in-a-Million

* Hundies: Word used on Entourage to connote hundred dollar bills. Probably sounds less cool when uttered by suburban moms.

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17 comments for “Letter to Kourtney Kardashian

  1. July 28, 2010 at 7:27 am

    I know *plenty* of women who should take your advice. You should really be ghosting for Ann Landers.

  2. July 28, 2010 at 7:51 am

    I agree with Mommy there…Ghosting for Ann is in the bag for you! Additionally, why don’t women, especially celebs, EVER see what’s right in front if them…good or bad?

    We should get a celeb mom to read and promo your blog so that they could all benefit from your advice. It only takes one in la-la land to spread the word!

  3. July 28, 2010 at 8:08 am

    she’s a moron if she keeps that guy around. I don’t really know who she is or who he is but if what you say is true… he sucks. A lot.

  4. July 28, 2010 at 9:35 am

    you are so on the money with this one! that guy is gross & his pocket squares annoying!!

    thanks for sharing the phrase douche nozzle as i now have something to use besides douche canoe.

  5. July 28, 2010 at 9:37 am

    Is that for real? That guy? Really? Wow. That’s terrible.

  6. July 28, 2010 at 9:48 am

    A-freakin-men. How a woman so gorgeous, intelligent and well off could have such low self esteem is beyond me. Dump the chump Kourtney.

  7. July 28, 2010 at 10:46 am

    Preach it sistah! AMEN! Can I get a witness? I mean REality is smacking Kourt in the head and she just doesn’t get it. I’m all in favor of forgiveness but forgiveness implies someone is asking for forgiveness, that means a change in their behaviour and we all know Douche bag ain’t changing a thing! Instead Kourt in the name of forgiveness is just sayin’ “thank you may I have another please” when he knocks her down over and over again.

  8. KLZ
    July 28, 2010 at 10:55 am

    I have always hated the idea that because they’re family people have the right to screw up your life.

  9. July 28, 2010 at 2:13 pm

    I totally agree with you, he is a real douche nozzle! I still cant believe she puts up with his crap over and over, doesnt she watch the shows back? Uh, hellooo? She is gorgeous and has everything else in her favor I just dont get why she hasnt dumped his arss.

  10. July 28, 2010 at 2:26 pm

    Gawd, I can not stand how he always wears a sweater tied around his neck. Drives.me.nuts.

    Also? He is not attractive. At all. Kourtney is beautiful. I don’t get it.

  11. July 28, 2010 at 5:05 pm

    You had me at “douch nozzle”…

    xo Susie

  12. July 28, 2010 at 8:49 pm

    Even his name is only two letters away from “dick.” Coincidence? I don’t think so.

  13. July 29, 2010 at 4:19 pm

    No kidding. What a fuckwit! Lose him, Kourtney!

    Great letter!!!

  14. July 30, 2010 at 4:42 pm

    And when the douche was banned from the kingdom the choirs of angels began their heavenly chorus…

  15. July 30, 2010 at 4:55 pm

    Oh my gosh this post cracked me up. Thank you for bringing a smile to my afternoon!

  16. July 30, 2010 at 5:48 pm

    This is great. I don’t watch the show or follow them too closely and it’s still entertaining. Now how can we get this to her people? ; )

    Found you via Coma Girl.

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