Sister Wives Honeymoon Travesty Part 2

Part Two

Welcome to the second half of our serious and important social commentary on the phenomenon of polygamy and Kody Brown as its public face. If you missed the first half of the transcript of our live chat during the Sister Wives honeymoon special, head over to stark. raving. mad. mommy. to catch up.

Now, if you’re ready to pick up where we left off, we were discussing what Kody might smell like.

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MIAM: I can’t believe I’m sober. That was a real error in judgment. Kody is acting like he has candy in his pants and he’s willing to offer everyone a piece. I think he smells like Drakar Noir.  Or possibly Polo.  He thinks it’s sophisticated.

SRMM: Yeah, I’m going to get a Mike’s Hard Lemonade right now.

MIAM: We’re out of booze. I’m just going to suffer.  You know what would be awesome? If a sex toy store sent all the wives vibrators.  Those kids at the picnic with the non-honeymooners look like they’re on a forced march.

SRMM: I know. It reminds me of Basic Training.  Except in Basic Training there was less crying.

MIAM: Jesus, this wife confessional part is like Chekov. “MY marriage is the worst” “No mine is awful” “NO mine hurts the most!”  Can you believe I once left San Diego for Ohio? On purpose?

SRMM: Back to the honeymoon. “We can spend time just talking and not worry about when I have to be home.”  What. A. Douche.

MIAM: It’s all about sensitivity?????

SRMM: Yes, Rebekah. He’s very sensitive.

MIAM: Yeah, he’s ribbed for their pleasure. ::snort::

SRMM: Nice one.

MIAM: Oh god if Kody hears all that talk about the family revolving around him his head will explode. Hair everywhere.

SRMM: They’ll be picking up hair mousse for days. One of the wives is criticizing herself for expecting time with her husband.

MIAM: They all want him to be less of a douche than he is. It’s hard to listen to them rationalize his douchitude.  Wait, Christine doesn’t know why she’s angry at him? How about…BECAUSE HE MARRIED ANOTHER WOMAN!!!!! And made her watch!

SRMM: I just don’t get it.  They think they’re better people because they overcome their jealousy.  But they’re still married to this guy.

MIAM: Right? Do they not think they’re good enough for a husband of their own?  Or do they really just believe the religious doctrine that this assures their place in heaven?

SRMM: I don’t know. I think it’s that they think it will really make them better people.  They keep talking about how they like the relationship they have with the other women, but that what friends are for.

MIAM: Exactly. I love you but I don’t want you to marry my husband.  BTW, my husband is in the basement watching football alone while we do this. Kody would never sacrifice his spot on the couch.

SRMM: My husband is following the game on his netbook.  He’s a champ that way.

MIAM: Also in that he doesn’t have any other wives.  I think husbands all over America owe Kody a debt of gratitude for lowering the bar. Now simply getting regular haircuts and only having one wife makes them seem like champs.

SRMM: I know! Gee, honey, you are so awesome for not marrying a bunch of other women.  Oh, here we go with the first three wives talking about their jealousy of each other.  The grass is always greener in the other bedroom.

MIAM: And…back to the honeymoon suite.  How fun for Robyn getting to listen to Kody maintain his other relationships.

SRMM: I guess he only talks to the wives, not the bazillion kids. Not enough cell minutes for that.  Why do the wives keep talking about how selfish they are?  It’s so sad.  Also, I’m sad for you that you’re not drinking.

MIAM: Perhaps someone should demonstrate true selfishness for them…maybe by marrying four different people and acting like he deserves it?  Not as sad as I am.

SRMM: I just need to mention that on Twitter, Lydia just said that if she was one of the first three wives, she would beat Kody and Robyn to death with one of her clogs.

MIAM: I know. I love her. And Minky said he probably smells like Massengil.

SRMM: Well, that’s a vote for vinegar, then.

MIAM: I bet Kody’s favorite food is macaroni and cheese with hot dogs in it.  Oh goody! They’re home! One big happy family at last!

SRMM: Oh, they’re back home. The New Normal.

MIAM: That baby is really cute.

SRMM: Two wives just cried! Drink!

MIAM: Shit. Robyn held back tears. She is ruining the drinking game.

SRMM: It was close enough. I drank.

MIAM: They’re lamenting their jealously again. I hate that! OMG stop calling yourself selfish!

SRMM: All four wives are going shopping together.

MIAM: And Kody is not watching his children. Douche.

SRMM: Well, they have a slew of teenagers there to babysit.

MIAM: “Sisterhood,” Meri says. Sisterhood of the traveling douche-husband.

SRMM: Kody and the kids are making dinner.

MIAM: His apron say “I Turn Grills On.”

SRMM: Wait, how are they affording to go shopping in these little boutiques?

MIAM: TLC must pay well for them to exploit themselves.

SRMM: “One of the things that attracted me to Kody was his love for his wives.”  WHAT THE F–K.

MIAM: They’re talking about their boobs.

SRMM: “I love to know that he’s loving his other wives because that means he’ll love me too.”

MIAM: He just called himself enigmatic.

SRMM: The baby’s name is Truly Scrumptious.

MIAM: Um…yeah…that’s gross.

SRMM: Robyn’s not wearing purple.  Why are the other three all matchy-matchy but she’s not?

MIAM: They didn’t call her before school. They wanted her to look like an outcast.  Where the hell is Robyn’s kids’ dad?

SRMM: I bet TLC paid him off.  Yay! Meri’s teary-eyed. I’m drinking again.

MIAM: It’s over. Good lord that was awful.  Do you suppose there’s going to be another season?

SRMM: They’ve already said there is.  Hopefully it’ll be from jail.

MIAM: Sweet.  Sister Prison Bitches?

SRMM: I bet Kody could find lots of “wives” in prison, too.

MIAM: Or he could learn what it feels like to be one of a harem.

SRMM: With that pretty hair.  I just heard Sarah Palin say, “Don’t retreat. Reload.”  Which means it might be time to change the channel.

MIAM: I changed the channel when she appeared.   I’d rather get my wisdom from Kody than Sarah Palin. And that’s saying something.