New Moon: MY Saga Continues


Excerpt from the Diary of Edward Cullen:

Going on a road trip.  Hope Bella doesn’t mind.

***

Excerpt from the Diary of Bella Swan:

Edward is GONE!!!!!!

iwillneverloveagaiiinnnnnnn

***

Well.  I think we all remember all too well how hurt we felt when our first love left us for greener pastures.  I personally said very nasty things about him to everyone who would listen until something shiny named Christian Slater caught me eye then I spent the next six months obsessing about his character in Heathers. Which led me to say things like “What’s your damage?” far too much.  But now I know the CORRECT reaction would have been to withdraw completely from society and wither on the vine like a Victorian heroine because what society really needs?  Is more of the kind of thinking that says a girl is worthless without her man and shouldn’t be afraid to STOP EXISTING if she can’t have a boyfriend. Whatever shall Bella do when her entire sense of self-worth has been ripped from her by the sudden departure of Edward? Which was for her own good. According to him.  Because boys should make decisions like that for girls.

***

Excerpt from the Diary of Bella Swan:

So, I kinda like Jacob but I don’t LIKE him like him but he LIKES me likes me.  Maybe I should go out with him anyway. But when he turns into a werewolf, he has back hair.  Ew.

***

Remember when I asked what Bella would do in the absence of Edward?  There were so many positive paths she could have taken that would have made the girls who read this book think “Hey!  I may be 16, flat-chested, have braces, and secretly think I’ll never have a boyfriend but it’s ok!  I can excel at other things and be a powerful, successful woman in my own right.”  But no.  No, Bella’s not buying that.  Bella throws herself at another guy.  And engages his services in a course of thrill-seeking behavior designed to bring on audio hallucinations of the guy who paternalistically dumped her ass 100 pages ago. Because we all think using one guy to feel closer to another guy is mature and healthy. And her freakin’ father encourages it! And her girlfriends desert her! What is WRONG with Stephanie Meyer?  Yeah, I know she’s writing about eternal love blah, blah, blah but surely she has heard of female empowerment? I’m sure she thinks she’s providing a positive role model for her readers by having Bella as chaste as a nun (and Edward too for that matter) but a wimpy-ass virgin with no sense of self is not how I’d describe the form I want the next generation of American women to take.  Just sayin’.

***

Excerpt from the Diary of Bella Swan:

I’m going out with Jacob now.

Edward is in Italy! I’m going to Italy!

***

Excerpt from the Diary of Edward Cullen:

WTF is Bella doing in Italy?

***

OK, here we go.  The Volturi.  I read this whole book to get to the part where there’s a massive showdown with the Volturi and Bella has a chance to redeem her passive self by somehow getting into the action and saving Edward and herself.  Yes!  Go, Bella , go! Be the best! Kick that…what? What’s that?  There’s no Showdown at the Vampire Corral forthcoming? You have GOT to be kidding me! So basically, this whole damn book was 400 pages of exposition and foreshadowing for the NEXT book. Oh, and 400 pages of dialing feminism back 40 years. F@ck.

F@ck.

Where are my keys?  I need to go buy the next book.

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5 comments for “New Moon: MY Saga Continues

  1. April 6, 2010 at 8:17 am

    You need to go BUY THE NEXT BOOK???!!! WTF??? You’re supposed to have them stacked on your nightstand, in all their shiny dustjacketed glory, ready to go. And ready to refer back to in case of questions…

    What? That’s just me? Oh.

    My friend and I argue the point of Bella’s depression. I thought it was pretty darn lame. She thought it was exactly how it feels to be heartbroken in high school. So I’m guessing I was never heartbroken in high school. Which, seeing how lame it was according to Bella’s story, I’m ok with.

    And yet, like you, I kept reading.

  2. April 6, 2010 at 9:39 am

    You are so not even kidding. It pissed me off ROYALLY. And yes, I read all the books. They are terrible. I will say that a thousand times.

    But I still read them.

    *sigh* What does that say about me.

  3. April 6, 2010 at 9:56 am

    I’m pretty sure Bella is the lamest heroine ever. If I can’t tolerate whiny girly people in real life, how on earth am I supposed to deal with them in books when I can even kick them? Plus, I realized I’m totally a summer person and want to be in the sun every second of the day. How much would it suck to be stuck with a sparkly vampire for a boyfriend if everytime we went outside, he destroyed my eyes with glare?

  4. April 6, 2010 at 10:26 am

    Haha, I like your take on New Moon. Though the movie version was much better than the book. Bella drives me crazy but I love the series. I get lost in the story, even though I’m swearing at Bella the entire time. She redeems herself a little in the next two books. The third was definitely my favorite.

    Stopping by from Sits.

  5. April 7, 2010 at 1:17 am

    Hahaha. The second book was by far my least favorite. I don’t know if that gives you hope or not. I was totally rooting for Jake when I read it. A little annoyed at how fast she just dropped him. But to her credit she did warn him. The next two books are so much better!! But I am loving your Bella Diary Entries… haha!

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