A River Of Douche Runs Through It

We asked for your nominations for the biggest douches of 2011, and boy did you come through. In a joint production of  Mom-In-A-Million and stark. raving. mad. mommy., we bring you the Top Ten Douches of 2011. (Cue jazz hands.)

If you can’t remember who the biggest douches of 2010 were,  here’s our list.

This year was actually actually a little light on douches and way heavier on pure evil. That’s kind of a bummer: I prefer a world where the biggest transgressions against humanity involve a webcam, a Twitter account and a politician’s boxer-briefs to a world teeming with rapists and murderers. There’s no humor in true human tragedy, only the urge to hug your loved ones even closer. Give me an hilarious celebrity divorce or fashion transgression any day. Much better punchlines.

In light of the events that were too evil to be douchey but too important to ignore, we’ve had to create some additional categories for this year and we’re presenting them today. Tomorrow we’ll bring you the true douches, people whose douchiness only hurts themselves. Because that’s funny.

Satan’s Minions: Too Evil to Be Douchey

Douche is far too good a word for these evil bastards

Casey Anthony – If we had deemed her merely douche, she would be the kind of douche made from a bracing combination of battery acid and 150 proof moonshine. Instead she transcends feminine hygiene and falls into the Pure Evil category. While a jury of her peers found insufficient evidence to convict her of the murder of her child, the rest of us looked into her face and saw a cold black heart. I don’t know what happened to that poor sweet girl of hers but I do know that Casey doesn’t seem to care nearly as much as the rest of us do. -MIAM

Everyone Involved in the Penn State/Jerry Sandusky Abuse Case – This is a story that just gets more and more disturbing.  Jerry Sandusky, former Penn State football coach, has (at last count) been charged with 52 counts of molesting boys. Mike McQueary, the grown-ass man who allegedly witnessed Sandusky raping a 10-year-old boy, did nothing to stop the assault, choosing instead to run home and tell his daddy, a Penn State professor. Please note that McQueary’s father didn’t, at that point, shake his son and scream “what the hell is wrong with you?” and then call the cops himself.

Head coach Joe Paterno delayed reporting McQueary’s report to authoritiesbecause he didn’t want to interfere in anybody’s weekend. The man Paterno told about the abuse, Penn State Director of Athletics Tim Curley,  didn’t think it was a crime, so he didn’t call police. What the f**k is wrong with these people? Exactly what would have to happen before they would think it was a crime? And Paterno didn’t want to “ruin anyone’s weekend”? Are you freaking kidding me?

I know it’s Pennsylvania, where all things Penn State and all things JoePa have been revered for decades. But there are just too many people who failed to man up and do the right thing – SRMM

The Coveted Lifetime Achievement Award in Douchiness

Kate Gosselin – There’s probably something disingenuous about me writing about Kate Gosselin because I never watched any iteration of her reality shows. I don’t care whether she let her kids use markers or if her ex-husband wore Ed Hardy or all of that garbage. What I cared about was that these parents were parading their children around for all the world to see every week. I’m no shrink (though my grandfather was so that makes me, like, a shrink twice removed or something, right?) but I’m pretty sure that nothing good can come from being forced into the public eye before the age on consent without even a script between you and millions of judgy snitches gawping at you for the price of a cable subscription.

And don’t get me started on the lack of union protections for reality tv kids: a child actor on SAG overseen scripted show would have an individual contract, their salary put into trust until they’re 18, tutors on set, and limits to their working hours and set conditions. Not so the Gosselin kids. They’re part of the product unit Kate and her erstwhile husband concocted and they’re not treated as individual professionals despite their parents essentially making them into mini-money machines. But we all know already why putting kids on tv is a bad idea (Dana Plato, ring any bells?). What Kate is proving guilty of is making her kids think that being on tv is preferable to not being on tv.

Katie-pie went on some talk show and maligned her ex-husband for his stated desire to get cameras out of his (and presumably the kids’) life by sneering if he wants a mediocre life, that’s fine but she wants better and tv is a good way to get it. Better, like those hair extensions, plastic surgery, and private security for the kids whose safety you compromised by putting them on tv, Miss Kitty? Sure. That sounds awesome. Oh and thanks for calling my extension-less, unaltered, private and secure non-tv life mediocre. I’m sure all your fans wanted to hear that.

The final heartbreaking straw that let the douche flood loose was when I saw the clips of her kids saying good-bye at the close of their series. One of her girls thanked the audience for making them what they are instead of some boring family sitting on the couch at home.  So, these kids think that their value plummeted when the camera crew went home? They feel reduced to being boring and unspecial by virtue of not being on tv? Kate apparently tied her kids self-worth to being part of a pop-culture phenomenon that ruined their parents marriage, compromised their privacy and safety, and ultimately was going to come to an end. How do those kids feel about themselves today? Thankfully, we don’t know. Hopefully their douche mom is teaching them the value of a more ordinary life. – MIAM

Dishonorable Mentions

Special Education Staff at Mercer County Intermediate School in Harrodsburg, KY – The mother of a nine-year-old special needs student with autism and ADHD, after being called to come pick up her son for his “unruly” behavior, arrived at the school to find him stuffed into a duffel bag in the hallway. Wait … what? Yes. She found her son in a bag in the hallway. Frankly, this incident would have found its way onto the Satan’s Minions list, except everything is still being investigated. -SRMM

Special Education Staff at Exley Elementary School in Katy, TX – Apparently, staff at this school thinks it’s okay to shove vinegar-soaked cotton balls into the mouths of special needs students as “aversive therapy.” Because that’s not a choking hazard at all. There’s a pretty obvious connection between “vinegar-soaked cotton balls”  and “this school is being run by douchebags”. We have some ideas on where those teachers and aides can shove those vinegar-soaked cotton balls. -SRMM