What I’m Watching Now: The Worst TV Ever

It’s official. I watch terrible television. I’m actually disgusted with myself whenever I get control of the clicker. And yet, I don’t ever flip over to PBS. No, I hover around E!, and Bravo, and TLC and Style network. Where I watch television programming guaranteed to reduce my IQ. Here’s a brief sampling of the garbage I put in my brain every evening:

• Bridezillas: I’m actually watching it as I write this. It’s the Where Are They Now  episode and I got all bright-eyed when I saw it on the cable guide because I actually want to know what happened to the one girl who smashed the wedding cake. Because I am so freaking lame. I find myself staring at this show, it’s entire premise being about how badly women can behave on the way to the altar, wondering what the questionnaire for applicants is like. Do they have to send in film of family conflict? Statements from their psychiatrists saying that they are certifiable but it’s safe to take them off their meds if the show requires extra drama? If they can prove diagnosed narcissistic personality disorder do they get bumped to the front of the line? I’ve heard the couples all get paid to be n the show which explains why they’re willing to o on tv looking like total psychos but what abut all the poor hapless bridesmaids? Does the show pay them for putting up with the abuse handed out by brides who seem to honestly believe that being in their wedding is a privilege to be earned? Because I don’t think anyone needs free champagne and shrimp bad enough to put up with the shit their bridesmaids do.
• Tori and Dean Weddings: Apparently, I really will watch anything that Tori Spelling does. I fear that I will die with the tv in my hospital room tuned to Lifetime Movie Network so that my last vision on this earth will be Mother May I Sleep With Danger. This latest offering from the Tori Spelling reality factory has her and Dean planning weddings. There’s been one episode so far and I don’t think I even got to finish watching it. The wedding involved pugs. That’s the only detail that stuck with me except for a scene where Tori and the groom went shopping for wedding night lingerie for the bride. I failed to find any point to the show at all. Is there really some cache to having Tori Spelling as your wedding planner? I don’t get it. Maybe I need to watch more episodes.
• Sister Wives: You knew I was watching the second season of Kody and Co. Or Kody and Ko? This season is way lower on drama than last season, largely because there’s no new wife on the horizon. I’m sure for season three TLC will find a way to inject that element back into things so that we can see Robyn cry about not being the newest wife any more. Instead the show is alternately scenes of the whole family frolicking through contrived activities designed to highlight how wholesome and normal they, interspersed with couch interviews where the adults complain about the state investigation of their (illegal) polygamist activity. I find myself wondering if Wife Number 2 is actually gay and thinking about how great it will be when one of the kids someday writes a book that reveals something scandalous about Kody, like that he doesn’t believe word one of the religious stuff and that he really is just into sex with multiple partners.

There may or may not also be Kardashian-related programming in the mix but I’m so ashamed of myself after reading through what I just wrote than I’m going cut this short before you all lose any respect you had for me. Also, I need to finish watching Bridezillas.