Good-Bye 2017


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2017 is coming to an end and none of us will be sorry to see it go. I have some particular pet peeves that I desperately hope will vanish into the past when the clock strikes midnight. You might think this is going to be a trenchant and incisive list of political happenings that left me close to despair, but no. No, I am here to bitch about beauty and fashion trends.

What? We all have multiple interests. One of mine is lipstick

Anyway, there are a few things that drove me nuts every time I went shopping for a little treat for myself or when I scrolled through PopSugar’s beauty section. I suspect some of you will agree with my assessments.

  • Matte Lips: If you have the natural moisture levels of a teenager or the commitment to lip fillers of a Jenner, then matte lips can work for you. If you have lips with even a hint of texture, forget it. Matte lipsticks will sink into the lines of your lips and make your mouth resemble a brightly-color cat anus. Not only that, within a few minutes, your lips feel like you have a layer of sand covering them because the damn matte formulas suck the life and water out of your lips. It’s not cute and it needs to go.
  • Contouring and highlighting: Evidently, we are all supposed to be spending a good portion of our beauty routine time turning our faces into tromp l’oeil masterpieces. You can buy zillions of products designed to carve out a jawline or spotlight browbones. We are not simply applying make-up; we are using our faces as sculpture. I don’t want to sculpt my face. You know what I want? I nice shade of blush that will make me look less pale. But no one is selling blush. They’re selling brown grease for below the cheekbone and silver grease for above the cheekbone. Please let 2018 be the year that blush comes back.
  • Stupid sleeves: This is my inner monologue when I shop for tops. “Oh, that’s cute! I love that color. And they have my size! Yay! Oh wait. Belled cuffs. Nope.” Every time I find a shirt, it has some stupid embellishment on the sleeves. Bows and drawstrings and flappy cuffs. That might be adorable for frolicking around Coachella but it’s a recipe for setting yourself on fire if you wear it while making dinner on a gas stove. Bring back practical sleeves.
  • Incomplete shirts: I don’t know who decided that shirts should be missing large swaths of fabric but that was a terrible idea. Stop it with the cold shoulders and key-hole back cutouts and lace-up necklines. Especially stop it in winter. Yes, clothes are a form of creative expression but clothes should also protect us from the elements and cover our bra straps. And speaking of bra straps…
  • Weird, strappy bras: The front window of Victoria’s Secret frequently reminds me of the Mapplethorpe series of S&M photos. Bra cups have multiple straps extending into cleavage areas. You have lace racerbacks that work with no shirt neckline that I know of. You have flimsy bralettes that couldn’t support a real breast on a bet. Bras are not art. They are bras. Make them for women’s breasts, not men’s eyes.
  • Patterned leggings: I know some people love their quirky leggings covered with watermelons or Halloween pumpkins or ocean life but c’mon. That was cute for about five minutes and now it’s just evidence that you feel sorry for your friend who paid an ungodly start-up fee to become a LuLaRoe salesperson. Better just send the friend $10 to buy her way out of LuLaRoe and get yourself a practical pair of black leggings that go with everything.

So here’s to 2018 being a better year in style. L’chaim, auld lange syne, carpe diem, and happy new year!

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