25 Ways We Could Settle The Government Shutdown and Debt Limit Crisis

capitol dome


  1. Rock-Paper-Scissors-Lizard-Spock.
  2. Potato sack races.
  3. Supermarket sweep using WIC vouchers.
  4. Obama-Boehner twerk-off.
  5. Cantor-Biden twerk-off.
  6. Bo-McConnell twerk-off.
  7. Final Jeopardy-style question on the topic “Famous Compromises”.
  8. Arm wrestling. Putin referees.
  9. Boehner and Obama each try Anna Kendrick’s “Cups” routine and the one with the fewest mistakes wins.
  10. Simon Cowell watches and critiques Dem and GOP press conferences and picks the best performance.
  11. Throw Michele Bachmann in a lake. If she floats, we reopen the government. If she doesn’t, we reopen it anyway so the Coast Guard can be paid to save her.
  12. Ted Cruz and Bernie Sanders simultaneously filibuster. Last Senator standing wins.
  13. Miss Janet, who taught at my son’s preschool last year, steps in and makes everyone behave then reads them stories after the vote.
  14. Reid and Boehner are each served uninspected fish. The last one to contract salmonella wins.
  15. McConnell and Pelosi call to get medical appointments through the VA. The first one to get taken off hold wins.
  16. We let Nate Silver fix it all.
  17. Or Robert Reich.
  18. Call an insider at Moody’s credit rating department and find out what they will do if we default on our debt. If it’s bad, don’t default on the debt. Duh.
  19. Bring kids whose Head Start classrooms are dark to the Capitol. Let the kids run loose in Tea Party Members’ offices. Make sure they have access to markers, glue, glitter, and scissors. Wait for surrender.
  20. Shut down the FAA. Totally. Just stop air traffic in the US. See how long the shut down lasts after that.
  21. Close the House gym.
  22. Let the lady who can’t get into a new NIH clinical trial for her cancer treatment filibuster.
  23. Furlough the Capitol Police but make Congress come to work anyway.
  24. Furlough Capitol custodial staff but make Congress come to work anyway.
  25. Tell John Boehner to put a clean CR bill that includes a debt limit increase on the floor and let it pass with the help of Democrats BECAUSE EVERYONE ELSE IN AMERICA SHOULD MATTER TO HIM AS MUCH AS CODDLING THE TEA PARTY DOES.

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