Texts From Last Night About The Fiscal Cliff


JB: Yo Prez! U up?

BO: It’s 2am. Who is this?

JB: John. This is my personal phone. Don’t wanna use my work phone. I think Eric Cantor peeks at it when I’m not looking.

BO: Cantor’s a douche. No one likes him.

JB: Paul Ryan does. Maybe too much.

BO: Why are you waking me up to bitch about Cantor?

JB: I really want to bitch about Harry.

BO: Harry? Why?

JB: You gotta make him pass plan B! My guys won’t pass anything else and America is going to hate us even more.

BO: Plan B sucks and you know it. It doesn’t deal with all those automatic cuts to programs and defense on January 1. You think the Senate is going to agree to one measly tax hike and nothing else? Hell, you think I’m going to agree to that?

JB: Fuck. I knew you’d say that. I hate this job. Being Speaker of the House blows.

BO: Yeah, well, it was probably more fun when you could still throw earmarks at Members to get them to vote your way. Too bad your party decided money for home districts was irresponsible spending instead of a good use of tax payer dollars to fund local infrastructure. And of course Tea Party Members don’t care about gaining rank in the party. They just want to dismantle everything. You’ve got no leverage.

JB: You’re gloating, aren’t you?

BO: Little bit.

JB: Fuck. I’m going to look like an asshole when this crashes and burns on me.

BO: Can’t help you, John.

JB: I know. Do what you gotta do Mr. President.

BO: Merry Christmas, John.

JB: Yeah. Merry fucking Christmas.

 

 

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