As many of you know, last month I gave birth to a baby girl who shall henceforth be known as N in this space. As you might imagine, this set me into a feminist frenzy of dreaming of how I’ll turn her into a strong and brilliant woman. I also had a moment of pure bliss when I realized that having a little girl meant I would be able to buy little girl bathing suits because OH MAH GAH THE CUTE!
Swimwear aside, there are things I want to pass along to my daughter, little bits of wit and wisdom that have made my life better along the way. I hope someday she reads this list and understands what I mean by it.
- If you’re the only person your date is nice to, you’re not dating a nice person.
- If you don’t want your mother/father/big brother to know about what you’re doing, you probably shouldn’t be doing it.
- Sometimes, the screwin’ you get ain’t worth the screwin’ ya get. (This was something my grandfather taught my mother and she taught it to me. It’s 100% true).
- Looks fade, but stupid is forever.
- It’s ok to sacrifice comfort for fashion, except when it isn’t.
- Don’t dump your girlfriends for a lover. You need friends no matter what else is in your life.
- Make friends with gay guys – they will make you laugh and let you cry.
- Make friends with lesbians – they will keep you honest.
- It’s worth it to know about a little of everything, if only to make yourself a more interesting conversationalist.
- Vote. Women before us fought for that right. Don’t ever let them think you don’t appreciate it.
- Knockoff designer handbags are tacky and slightly desperate looking.
- Learn how to drive stick. I wish I could.
- Don’t read magazines like Cosmo. They’ll just make you feel bad about yourself. Pick your beauty icons from the women around you.
- Don’t be afraid to do things by yourself. Traveling, going to the theatre, and eating out alone are all sublime pleasures.
- Avoid bangs.
- At some point, you must see a performance of The Vagina Monologues. You’ll thank me afterwards.
- You’re never going to look like Barbie. Your gene pool simply doesn’t allow for it.
- Don’t let a person’s political affiliations preclude friendship.
- However, don’t sleep with anyone who’s anti-choice. You need to agree with your partner on how to handle an accidental pregnancy.
- Bikini waxing hurts. A lot.
- There is no earthly need to douche.
- You will never regret being kind.
- People will make fun of you one day. It will hurt. But don’t give them the power to define you.
- People will praise you one day. It will feel good. But don’t give them the power to define you.
- I love you.