The REAL State of the Union

I thought I was going to watch the State of the Union Address later tonight and either live-blog or live-tweet it. With 2 hours until go-time, I realize I am probably wrong about that. I don’t have the intestinal fortitude to ear Obama talk about a budget that will make me cringe in simultaneous disappointment and understanding the reality of the situation. I don’t want to watch Eric Cantor’s smirky face as he begrudgingly applauds the entrance of our duly elected Commander in Chief. And if I see even one shot of Justice Scalia, I’ll start shouting curse words at the tv and wake up C. And then I’ll have yet ANOTHER thing to blame Scalia for.

All of which is to say, I may be watching House Hunters at 9 tonight. So, instead of my commentary on the speech, here is some text I took the liberty of writing for the President. JUst in case he feels like getting real.

My fellow Americans. I’ll keep this short.

Here’s the deal. I’m sick to death of being called unAmerican. Stop it ok? It’s dumb, deliberately imflamatory thing to say and it’s not fucking true. You know who’s unAmerican? President Bashar al-Assad of Syria, a country that’s such a tremendous shitshow right now that we’re about to shut down out embassy there. Betcha didn’t know that did you? Of course not. That’s the stuff Secretary Clinton and the intelligence community and I are dealing with while you all flail around about Mitt’s taxes and Newt’s wives. So, let’s think about whose eye is on the ball and whose eye is on the gossip sheets, shall we?

Every single one of us in this room has the same goals. No, not raising enough money to get re-elected in the fall. Although, yeah, we all pay too much attention to that. But the goal I mean is a prosperous nation where everyone who needs one has a job that pays for a roof, three meals, healthcare, transportation and education for their family. We ALL want that. Not one person in this room can look me in the eye and say “No, that goal sucks”. We all want that and it’s what makes us quintessentially Americans: wanting the best for America.

Where we differ – often wildly – is on how to operationalize that goal. I’ve got some ideas for how to get us there. You have different ideas. We all have some good ideas and some bad ideas. BUT NONE OF US HAVE IDEAS THAT ARE SPECIFICALLY DESIGNED TO UNDERMINE THE GOAL I STATED EARLIER. Anyone who is out there trying to make people believe that someone actually wants to destroy American prosperity is a shithead. A fearmongering shithead who’s forgotten the importance of a prosperous America in all the fuss about getting elected.

Let’s all agree to start talking like grown-ups and discussing real, actual, proposed solutions and their merits rather than this endless game of assigning fictitious motives to our opponents. Ok? Ok.

Now, I would like everyone to get on the phone to their favorite economist and start talking turkey. Don’t go yapping to reporters. We have too much work to do to take time off for grandstanding. That means me, too. Start coming up with workable plans for restoring American prosperity – plans, not soundbytes – and we’ll get together at 14:00 tomorrow to discuss.

Meanwhile, I’ve got a briefing on a shitshow in Syria to attend.

Peace out, America.