Oh, the magic of the holidays! The music! The twinkle lights! The latkes! The totally whack shit available on the open market for your gift giving pleasure! If we ever needed any more evidence that we live in a free market society that rewards creativity and free expression, this list should confirm it for us. Because I do not think the North Koreans will be getting anything this whack in their stockings this year.
Edward Cullen Pillow: The Twilight franchise never fails to disappoint in the merchandising realm. While last year I feature a Twilight inspired dildo that sparkled like a vampire (or a drag queen), this year I saw the more sensitive side of the emo bloodsucker. Here’s the Edward you can share a tender cuddle with after the batteries from last year’s…er…stuffer have worn out.
Beiber Toothbrush: Nothing says oral hygiene like Justin Bieber! This fancy toothbrush not only spins, but it sings! Now you can start every day with the Biebs serenading your tonsils with two of his hit singles. Don’t ask me which ones. I don’t actually know.
Unicorn Meat: In case you would rather draw screams of horror from the tween on your shopping list, here’s canned Unicorn Meat! Double entendrees aside, unicorn meat in a can actually horrifies me less than Spam.
Snooki perfume: What, pray tell, does a Snooki-inspired fragrance smell like? Sweat and spray tan? Mouthwash and penicillin? Dirty socks and PBR? The mind boggles…
Fresh Balls: I don’t if this is for real or not but I really, really want it to be true. I really, really want some sweaty-balled nerd who lives in his moms basement playing World of Warcraft to have had a eureka moment where he decided that his sweaty balls are what’s standing between him and a life of supermodel lovin’. I really, really want to imagine him working on various formulations in his bathtub until VOILA! Fresh Balls!
Jesus Toaster: I just wanna say that if you own this, you have lost your right to bitch about flag burning.
Squirrel Underpants: For too long now, squirrels have frolicked brazenly in the furry buff! It’s time we made those squirrels get decent! Also available for boy squirrels. Assuming you can tell the difference.
Bacon Lube: Ladies and gentlemen, let us have a moment of silence. The bacon trend has officially jumped the shark and it did it at the exact moment someone rubbed Bacon Lube on their cock.