25 Predictions for 2012


  1. Obama loses his cool during the State of the Union and tells Congress to go fuck themselves.
  2. The FCC shuts down production on all Real Housewives franchises on the grounds that they’re neither housewives nor real.
  3. Texas attempts to secede then is hurt when no one tries to stop it.
  4. Matt Lauer leaves the Today Show. Anthony Weiner thinks this might be his big opportunity for a comeback but sends the wrong kind of “head shot”.
  5.  Fred “Westboro Church” Phelps comes out and joins a leather daddy biker gang.
  6. A Duggar kid comes out and the whole family becomes an instant Pride Parade.
  7. Donald Trump runs as an independent in the general election with Ryan Seacrest as his running mate.
  8. Mitt Romney loses GOP nomination but wins Dancing with the Stars.
  9. Hillary Clinton resigns from being Secretary of State after the election. She goes home and takes a much-deserved nap before starting a global foundation to promote democracy through education and healthcare for women and girls.
  10. Herman Cain attempts to compete on Top Chef but is eliminated when all he ever does is order pizza.
  11. Polling reveals that the most popular Washington figure is Bo the dog and most Americans would support him as President.
  12. Kris Humphries wins the GOP nomination because “he’s better that those other guys”.
  13. Questions in Presidential debates are so puerile that candidates tell the moderator to stop being a douche and get serious.
  14. Representatives David Drier & Louise Slaughter finally come to blows on the House floor. (If you laughed at this, you watch too much CSPAN)
  15. Newt Gingrich attempts to go on Millionaire Matchmaker. Patti Stanger rejects him on the grounds that “you’re married, you cheating douche!”.
  16. In a nationwide ballot measure, Americans vote to deport the Kardashians to any country that will take them. None will.
  17. Justice Ginsberg retires. Oprah is appointed her successor with unanimous Senate approval.
  18. Michelle Obama wins a special Oscar for Best Performance By a Woman Stuck in a Tremendously Shitty Public Situation.
  19. Tom Cruise shocks the world by revealing that Scientology is an elaborate hoax. Actually, no one is that shocked.
  20. Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert refuse to continue covering US politics because “this shit isn’t funny anymore”.
  21. Ron Paul returns to Texas and fades into obscurity.
  22. John Boehner abruptly quits being Speaker of the House to take a job hosting Fashion Police. Sales of pink ties spike.
  23. Joe Biden reveals he’s a”Twi-hard”. Obama dumps him after their approval ratings plummet. Replaces him with Rachel Maddow.
  24. Ann Coulter is arrested for stalking Justin Bieber.
  25. TLC starts a reality series about former pageant kids called White Trash Tiaras: After They’re Toddlers. Sarah Palin hosts.

 

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7 comments for “25 Predictions for 2012

  1. amy
    December 31, 2011 at 10:18 am

    You know the one about Hillary Clinton…yeah that one might come true. And Mitt Romney and Dancing with the Stars, maybe they should include the whole GOP field since they are all idiots.

  2. December 31, 2011 at 11:56 am

    You know I could get behind Rachel Maddow in office. She is awesome.

  3. DMCostorf
    December 31, 2011 at 12:58 pm

    I want 1 and 13 to be real…

  4. December 31, 2011 at 2:46 pm

    RE: number 6, I’d settle for one of the Duggars deciding they want to attend college.

  5. December 31, 2011 at 6:25 pm

    I would totally send President Obama a dozen roses if he did number 1. And I actually think you’re right on about Donald Trump, although I don’t think that he would have Ryan Seacrest as his running mate. Paula Abdul, maybe.

  6. January 2, 2012 at 6:34 pm

    I love 1, 9 and 12.

  7. January 5, 2012 at 4:53 pm

    Brilliant post! I Love number 6, that’s hilarious!

Comments are closed.