25 Ways in Which I Would Support Suspension of the 1st Amendment Rights

  1. Banning previews for other DVDs on kids DVDs.
  2. Banning Ke$ha.
  3. Total elimination of private financing of political campaigns.
  4. Prohibiting stores from putting up holiday decorations more than four weeks before the holiday.
  5. Banning the “Christmas Shoes” song.
  6. Forcing the Redskins to change their team name to something less racist.
  7. Banning Facebook status updates urging other Facebook users to change their status to the whatever guilt-trippy message the user cut and pasted into their status bar.
  8. Banning use of the hashtag “#winning” on Twitter.
  9. Prohibiting political campaigning that begins more than 6 weeks before the election.
  10. Prohibiting any cast member of The Jersey Shore from receiving future book contracts.
  11. Putting duct tape on Dora the Explorer’s shrieky mouth so that she can never speak again.
  12. Arresting anyone who calls criticism of the United States “treason”.
  13. Banning Pat Buchanan.
  14. Insist that every teacher in every school in America tell students about their voting rights, once at the beginning of the school year and again at the end.
  15. Banning Caillou.
  16. Prohibiting the creators of Caillou from ever working in television again.
  17. Applying electrical shock to anyone going on tv and using the phrase “partial birth abortion” because it’s a made-up, deliberately inflammatory term.
  18. Banning those ads on websites that pop-up to overlay the whole page.
  19. Prohibiting anything from the Lennon-McCartney catalog to be used in advertising. Have some respect!
  20. Forcing all companies that make cleaning products to produce two identical ads – one featuring a man, one featuring a woman, and run them in equal proportion.
  21. Forbidding anyone to use the word “socialism” unless they can define it.
  22. Ditto the word “fascism”.
  23. Banning the use of the word “fur-babies” to describe pets.
  24. Require that at least one man appear in all commercials for birth control pills.
  25. Prohibiting office-holders from mentioning religion in public.
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7 comments for “25 Ways in Which I Would Support Suspension of the 1st Amendment Rights

  1. October 4, 2011 at 10:09 pm

    LOVE! Excellent list. I don’t even know which is my favorite.

  2. October 4, 2011 at 11:20 pm

    I agree with every item on this list 🙂

  3. Donna
    October 5, 2011 at 10:03 am

    Love this!

  4. SherryH
    October 5, 2011 at 12:19 pm

    Awesome list! I’m seriously in favor of #3 and #18. In fact, for #18, can we also include video ads (any videos, really) set to auto-play? Especially if they’re way down the page and you have to scroll down on every single tab you have open in order to find them and make them shut up?

    And #5? Yes, please! I can’t begin to count the ways in which I loathe that song…

  5. October 5, 2011 at 8:37 pm


  6. October 6, 2011 at 8:56 am

    Love this list! I’m with ya on these.

  7. February 18, 2012 at 1:57 pm

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