The Speech I Wish Obama Would Give

President Obama is going to give a speech about a jobs plan tonight. He’s giving it before a joint session of Congress. He was supposed to do it last night but Speaker Boehner turned him down and asked to reschedule. He cited logistics but we all know it was because of the GOP Presidential debate at Reagan’s American Adventure Land by Disney the Reagan Presidential Library. Which included only two Members of Congress, one of whom is retiring at the end of his term. WTF?

Anyway, the President sucked up the Speaker’s historic snub and agreed to speak tonight. I don’t know what he’s going to say but I know what I wish he say. What follows is a transcript of the Speech of My Dreams.

Mister Speaker, Members of the House and Senate, my fellow Americans. Let’s get real.

Unemployment in this country is epic. Ep. Ic. It won’t budge below 9% and in some states it’s well above that. People are hungry, kids are hungry. People are losing their homes, kids are homeless. Lives are being shattered every day, in every state. Nearly one in ten Americans – men, women and children – are suffering. And here in Washington all we do is whine about money.

I’m here to tell you that it’s not about money. It’s about people, real people. It’s only about money to the people who don’t have any. Everyone else, the people who have a solid roof, three meals, and enough extra to buy their kids a game for the Wii at Christmas, needs to quit their whining. Your life may not be awesome but if it doesn’t flat out suck, if you’re not in danger of starvation but for the services of the local food bank, you’re probably ok. And all of you sitting in this room who make over $170,000 each year from your Congressional salary plus whatever investment income you have pouring in each month, you really need to shut the fuck up about money. Got it? Good.

We’ve all spent so much time quibbling about money and who has it and who needs more of it and how people can avoid forking it over in taxes that we have completely lost sight of the fact that someone’s mom or dad isn’t going to work today and no amount of shrieking about corporate tax policy is going to fix that. Furthermore, no tax cuts are going to fix that. If tax cuts were going to save the economy, they would have worked by now. We’ve got the lowest damn taxes since the 1950’s and it’s not resulting in net job gains. Hell, there were no jobs created in August. NONE. But 18,000 government jobs alone were lost because you all think firing folks in the name of responsible spending is a good idea. Now we have 18,000 people, taxpayers, no less, who used to earn good wages and benefits for doing something going on the dole. They’re still taking a government check but the government isn’t getting anything in return. Does that sound like a job creation policy that’s working? No? Yeah, because it’s not. I’ts jackassery and I’m sick of it.

You all are worthless. The only jobs you’re creating are campaign fundraising positions and you spend as much time sucking in PAC dollars as you do legislating and not a one of you looks ready to change the money-grubbing status quo. I’m done with you. I’m not waiting for you to wake up and realize that supply-side economics is a damn mythology, not a solid policy foundation. You are all officially out of the job creation business and I’m taking over.

See, what I know, and what you know too, deep in your black little hearts, is that the only way the government can create jobs is by hiring people directly. All this “don’t tax businesses and they’ll use the savings to hire people” is bullshit. They only time businesses increase payrolls is when demand exceeds their ability to meet supply needs. When they need more hands to make more widgets, that’s when they go looking for hands. But if 9% of America isn’t buying widgets because they don’t have a dime in their pockets, businesses don’t need to make more widgets. It’s simple microeconomics. And if Americans aren’t buying widgets, it’s time for America to buy some widgets.

Way back in the dark ages of the Depression, FDR decided to fix unemployment by hiring some folks. He used the power of his office to create the Works Progress Administration by executive order in 1935 and it employed literally millions of people. They build bridges, roads, parks, and buildings, including the high school attended by noted political snark-blogger Mom-in-a-Million. In other words, America created demand for some good, useful things and expanded payroll to meet that demand. Was it expensive? Sure as hell was. But it worked. People went back to work, earned enough money to buy things from other businesses, demand for everything increased and before you knew it, it was the 1950’s and everyone had a tv, a car, and a kid whose nickname was the same as a popular nickname for female genitalia.

I’ve got an executive order to create WPA 2.0 in my pocket right now. I’m going to stand here at this podium and sign it. Then me and my cabinet are going to figure out what jobs need to be done and start hiring people to do them. You all can approriate the money for it before the end of the year. If you don’t, I’ll fund it by executive order too. And yeah. We’re going to have to raise taxes to do it. That’ll suck a little for some people but it won’t suck nearly as much as being unemployed sucks. As FDR said, “The test of our progress is not whether we add more to the abundance of those who have much; it is whether we provide enough for those who have too little.”

There are a lot of people who won’t like this. But I didn’t run for President to be liked, I did it to help people. And 9% of the people I’m supposed to help need a job more than they need anything else. I’m going to give them jobs. If you don’t like it, don’t vote for me next time. I may lose that election but at least I’ll walk out of that White House knowing I did some good in real lives.

Thank you and good night.

I’m sure the President’s people will be calling any minute to get a copy of this to load into the teleprompter for tonight. Any. Minute.