25 Things To Do On May 22 If The Rapture Comes On May 21


  1. Loot a liquor store.
  2. Point and laugh at left-behind Fred Phelps.
  3. Sadly ponder all the missed opportunities to follow Kirk Cameron’s advice about salvation.
  4. Three words: Coed. Naked. Twister.
  5. Learn to use sulfur fumes in molecular gastronomy.
  6. Party at the Playboy Mansion! Drinks of Hef!
  7. Grab all the stuff from a Rapture-d Extreme Couponer’s stockpile. Vitamin Water and toothpaste for everyone!
  8. Check how many Twitter followers you lose when they get taken up.
  9. Ask Jesus for an autograph.
  10. Quit you diet.
  11. Finally figure out what brimstone actually is.
  12. Point and laugh at left-behind Pat Buchanan.
  13. Tell Satan you loved him in South Park: Bigger, Longer, Uncut.
  14. Shop for something to wear to all the same-sex couples’ weddings that will finally get scheduled when all the right-wingers get taken up.
  15. Hold a rave in an empty mega-church.
  16. Point and laugh at left-behind Quran-buring asshole preacher.
  17. Lobby Congress on your favorite cause. What? They’re all still gonna be here.
  18. Break into the Vatican and try on the Pope’s hats.
  19. Go to West Virginia. I’ve heard that it’s almost heaven.
  20. Watch Kevin Smith’s Dogma to find loopholes for getting out of eternal damnation
  21. Watch the rest of Kevin Smith’s movies because they’re awesome. Except Chasing Amy. That one made me want to stick a dead mouse in Ben Affleck’s hair.
  22. Declare yourself a prophet. It’s worth a  try, right?
  23. Vegas, baby!
  24. Spit pea soup on people like that kid in the Exorcist just to see what they do.
  25. Place a bet on Michigan over Ohio State for 2011 because the Rapture is the only thing that’ll bring them a win!
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7 comments for “25 Things To Do On May 22 If The Rapture Comes On May 21

  1. May 20, 2011 at 10:51 am

    Gosh, thanks. I think I’m ready to rumble.

  2. Amy
    May 20, 2011 at 3:26 pm

    This is a great list…
    Too bad OBL is dead cuz we would have had a number 26. But all the suicide bombers will have company in hell.

  3. May 20, 2011 at 3:43 pm

    Fucking. Epic.

  4. Donkeys to College
    May 20, 2011 at 4:52 pm

    love the West Virginia – almost heaven one. 🙂

  5. May 20, 2011 at 6:29 pm

    BEST post ever!! Only because I loved the reference to Satan in South Park’s movie because that movie is so sadly under-rated. Also the reference to Dogma for the same reason! No wonder we’re all going down, we have no appreciation for the finer things in life. Plus, I kinda love that you’re brave enough to post this! I am SO not, because my grandma “The Baptist” reads my blog!

    Also – The Rapture is not coming tomorrow. Know how I know? It’s my brother’s birthday and I don’t think God has that kind of a sense of humor ;o)

  6. Shelley
    May 23, 2011 at 10:23 am

    I’m still alive. How ’bout you?

  7. May 26, 2011 at 8:18 pm

    Okay that last one just earned you a follower. Go Bucks! Great post, by the way 🙂

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