4:59am: If I’d had to get up this early for my own wedding, I’d still be single…
5:00: I wish I had a hat. It would look awesome with my jammies.
5:01: FYI, I’m watching this on Public Television. To avoid the ads and also because there is a not a single newscaster on any network that I can handle at this hour.
5:03: The crowd in Hyde Park looks like the crowd at the infield of the Kentucky Derby.
5:04: Trees in Westminster Abbey? Ok…
5:06: No, not Elton John and his partner, David Furnish. David is his husband. Get it right.
5:07: I just saw a shot of a young girl along the processional route wearing a bridal veil headband but it seemed to have fuzzy ears. It made her look like a Bride Pillow Pet.
5:09: Oh! The guards on the black horses. So lovely…
5:12: Switching over to MSNBC because the announcers on PBS are making me sleepy. There is nothing Regal about Joe Scarborough.
5:13: Princes on the move! Princes on the move! Wait, why is there a light on top of the their Rolls?
5:14: Yep. Crying. I’ve officially turned into my mother who can barely say “wedding” without tears.
5:15: Oh, it’s not a light on top of the car. It’s a little crown emblem. Ok, got it. I need coffee. If I was a Princess or a Duchess like Kate is now, someone would make me coffee.
5:19: Those uniforms are HOT! My husband wore a custom-made suit for our wedding but it didn’t have gold braid or epaulets.
5:20: Oh, dear, please get Wills to a mirror s0 he can fix his hat head.
5:21: Westminster Abbey is gorgeous but getting married in a place with lots of dead people interred under the floor might wig me out.
5:22: Good hats in the front row of the Abbey! I really wish I had a hat…
5:23: My sister just commented about the length of the aisle on Facebook. She has a good point. That is a long, long, opportunity to trip and fall.
5:24: OK, I can’t take it anymore. I need to make some coffee. Back in a bit…
5:25: Never mind coffee! Mother of the bride in an amazing hat! No crown on their car though. I guess the crown on the Princes’ car was because they’re actually royal.
5:26: I wish Joan Rivers could have interviewed the Middletons.
5:29: What’s the with vans for the Royal Family? I’d feel gypped if I was riding in a van. Rolls Royces for everyone!
5:31: Some guy on MSNBC just said that he thinks the Princes are Diana’s legacy. Um, yeah. Excellent grasp of the obvious, there.
5:32: Mrs. Middleton looks GORGEOUS! I love her hat! And the tiny necklace is brilliant. Understated and perfect. Excellent mother of the bride outfit!
5:33: Bumblebury? That’s a real town name? Snort. England is funny.
5:35: Prince Andrew is coming. I had totally forgotten about him.
5:37: Van loads of Royals spilling out onto the red carpet. Just saw a bubblegum pink outfit on a woman in her 70s. Not sure that’s a choice I’d make.
5:38: Looking at several younger Royals in amazing hats and thinking that “fascinators” may be the next big thing at the Oscars.
5:39: Charles and Camilla’s car is coming! Does anyone else always think of Gonzo from the Muppet Show and his favorite chicken when they hear that name?
5:41: Um, not sure I’m on board with Eugenie and Beatrice’s hats. Less can be more , ladies…
5:42: The Queen! The Queen! In yellow! This means Kate is next! SQUEEEEEEEE!!!!
5:44: Camilla’s hat looks like a birdbath. Nice pearls though.
5:46: The coffee is ready but I can’t get up and risk missing the Queen.
5:47: The carloads of little bridesmaids are precious.
5:48: Kate! You still have time to bail on a lifetime of scrutiny! You can come hide out at my house if you want!
5:49: The Queen looks lovely but sort of similar to how she always looks. Her outfits all have a certain sameness. But that sparkly brooch is sensational.
5:50: I can smell the coffee. But I can see the shot of Kate’s car waiting outside her hotel. Can’t. Move.
5:51: Kate’s in the car! The dress looks nice. Pretty flowers. There’s a photographer in blue who likes like what a hooker would look like if she were invited to the Royal wedding.
5:52: I wonder if Kate had to take a fistful of Xanax to get her through this.
5:54: On this day of historic unions, the most blessed of all is between me and my coffee. Mmmmmmm…..
5:55: Kate looks so happy.!
5:56: Knickers! Little boys in knickers! Real knickers, not underpants.
5:57: Was that Kate’s sister? She looks a little slutty in that dress.
5:58: What is going through her mind?
5:59: FYI, I drove myself to my wedding. Too cheap for a limo and couldn’t get a cab. I wish I’d had a Rolls.
5:59: I also wish I’d had a tiara.
6:00: In fact, I’d like a tiara right now.
6:01: Oh! The dress! It’s splendid! I have never called anything splendid before in my life. It’s just perfect. Look at the embroidery on the skirt and the lace on her shoulders. Oh, yes, it’s wonderful.
6:02: I. Am. Crying.
6:03: Everyone get out of her way so she can see William, please.
6:05: OK, I need to pipe down now. Even I can’t snark an hour-long church wedding. Back on the flip side.
6:07: One last comment. Kate’s got the look brides get where they forget about the dress and flowers and all and are just happy to be marrying their love. I hope she and William can make that last.
6:08: And I hope snoopy tabloids can hold of on speculating about a pregnancy for at least a little while.
6:09: Good on Wills for saying something to make her laugh!
6:10: Ok, now I’ll really pipe down.
6:24: Is anyone else faintly disappointed that the bishop didn’t start by saying “Ma-wage. Ma-wage is what bwings us togevver today.”?
6:28: I love the music but all the little boys in the choir look like Harry Potter to me.
6:31: It seems kind of mean to have them be officially married but then make them sit there for another half hour before they can go celebrate.
6:46: C just woke up and is talking about rainbows. It’s oddly appropriate.
7:07: Bring on the coach and horses! I want the coach and horses!
7:08: Nothing can bring down the mood of a royal wedding like a child whining to change the channel to Fireman Sam.
7:09: Now Kate looks like she’s steeling herself for a lifetime of never again really being alone.
7:11: Are they not allowed to kiss now? That sucks. They look like they want to kiss.
7:12: I need to take a shower and get ready for work. Because I, sadly, did not become a Duchess or a Princes today. But the wedding was wonderful!
One last thought: For everyone who is complaining that this wedding was a distraction from the important happenings around the world, I say yes. It was. For a couple of hours this morning, it was a distraction. For a few minutes a day for the past few weeks, it was a distraction for people who tune in to the mainstream media. It was a distraction. A small one. A pleasant one. And one that was no more harmful than the American Idol episode that aired last night or a murder mystery novel or a little time on Facebook. It was a small bit of time to think about something out of the ordinary and lovely. For most of the people who paid attention to the wedding, it was not an all-consuming obsession that wedged itself between our consciousness and everything else in the world. Watching this wedding did not prevent me from making a donation to the Red Cross for disaster relief in the south or playing with my son this morning or getting on a conference call at work. It was fun and I refuse to let a few spoilsports make me feel bad about enjoying it.