To: Donald Trump
Re: Your Presidential Aspirations
Date: April 26, 2011
It has come to my attention that you are growing increasingly serious in your bloviating about a run for the Presidency in 2012. When you first started discussing this, I was under the impression that you were merely behaving in an attention whore-like manner to garner increased viewership for your television show but it appears now that you are actually mulling a run. Before you move any further down this path I would like you to consider a number of aspects of your personality and behavior that are decidedly UN-Presidential:
- Your habit of responding to all insults: In recent weeks you have called Bill Cosby dishonest and Robert DeNiro stupid because they have expressed reservations about you as President. You have also fired off missives to various media figures who have written unflatteringly about you. First of all, excoriating Cliff Huxtable and the young Vito Corleone never won anyone anything here in America. Second, a President doesn’t get to yell back at everyone who yells at him. You never saw Bill Clinton writing internet screeds calling Ken Starr a self-aggrandizing GOP stooge who wouldn’t have gotten a hummer if they were handing them out for free, did you? No, you did not.
- Your nepotism: I have no doubt that Ivanka is good at the job you gave her. I have every doubt that she’d be a good Cabinet Secretary.
- Your record of financial misjudgment: While I am not privy to all the details leading you to file for Chapter Eleven bankruptcy protection in 2009 (or in 1991 or in 1992 or in 2004), I do think that an inability to manage your business affairs indicates a certain lack of fitness for dealing with a strained national economy. Not to mention that the repeated bankruptcy filings seem to show that you lack the capacity to learn from your mistakes. America doesn’t need to be your next failed venture.
- Your bragging about your net worth: That information has almost no relevance to the ability to be President. See also Lincoln, Abraham.
- Your stubborn adherence to the theory that the current President is not a US citizen: That line of conversation is nothing more than pandering the lowest common denominator of American prejudices. You are doing it entirely to get attention then protesting a bit too much when everyone in the NBC family of networks fulfills their contractual obligation to interview you and asks you about your purported investigation of Hawaiian vital records to which you have no legal access. If you are getting your greedy, arrogant hands on state birth records, you are probably doing it illegally and should be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.
- Your career in reality television: Being a reality show personality is a black mark against credibility. And being on a reality show where your strut around like a bantam rooster and “fire” people who don’t really work for you doesn’t make you look like someone who will be any good at sharing authority.
- Your hair: It is, in a word, fugly.
All of these factors combined with the very basic fact that you seem like a jerk, if your attitude in interviews is any indication, requires me to advise you to forget about running for President and to go back to mismanaging casinos and making celebrities do dumb things on tv. It’s all you’re fit for. Leave the serious work to people who are serious about something other than lining their own pockets.