25 Things I Want To Say To Corporate America

  1. Just because I bought something from you once and gave you my email, doesn’t mean we’re besties. Stop sending me stuff!
  2. Friday is tax day. I’ll be paying mine. Will you?
  3. Charging the same amount for a t-shirt as you did last year is only a bargain if you didn’t change the fabric to something so flimsy that it’s sheer to the point of being unwearable without risk of arrest.
  4. No one likes the voice-activated commands when we call in. It makes us feel like idiots to talk to a recording.
  5. Two words about customer service appointments: Saturday hours.
  6. If you paid your hourly staff more, they might be more interested in doing their jobs well.
  7. If you paid your hourly staff more, they might be nicer to customers.
  8. If you paid your hourly staff more, you might not have such a PR problem about paying hourly staff so little.
  9. When you’re considering logos, anthropomorphized characterizations of food you want me to eat is never a good idea.
  10. If you sell items for dealing with female periods, don’t try to be cutsey about it. We’re not going to have a “happy period”. Stop patronizing women with PMS.
  11. Flourescent lights and fitting rooms should never be combined. Yeah, I mean you Old Navy.
  12. It’s ok to make children’s clothes without licensed characters on them.
  13. Stop changing the look of the package. I don’t want to pay for all the focus groups and designers you use to change a bag from red to blue.
  14. Be seasonally appropriate. Don’t sell me Christmas in September, swimwear in January, or Halloween in August.
  15. Just because you stuck a pink ribbon on it doesn’t mean I believe you’re curing breast cancer.
  16. My house smells fine, thanks. I don’t need crystals or candles or plug-ins or gels or sprays or…
  17. My vagina also smells fine. Don’t add scents to tampons.
  18. How many delivery methods do we need for ibuprofen? Can you dedicate some of the brainpower that went into liqui-gels into curing AIDS next?
  19. We don’t believe you when you say you have to charge $12 for an ebook on a PDF-based platform but we’ll humor you…for now.
  20. Stop making skanky clothes for little kids. Just stop. Really. Stop.
  21. Putting distracting, annoying animated ads on my favorite websites makes me LESS inclined to buy your product.
  22. Commercials that try to convince guys that drinking your brand of beer will make them attractive to women are as patronizing as the “happy period” bullshit you try to pull on women.
  23. If your advertising says anything about eliminating stretch marks, we know you are BIG MEAN LIARS! NOTHING  ELIMINATES THEM! NOTHING!
  24. Babies can’t read. Your videos and flashcards will not teach a baby to read.
  25. Golden Oreos are not real Oreos because everyone knows Oreos are chocolate.
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10 comments for “25 Things I Want To Say To Corporate America

  1. Shelley
    April 12, 2011 at 7:58 am

    LMAO at Golden Oreos! They are just not good. If I want a vanilla cookie, I will just buy Nilla Wafers.

  2. April 12, 2011 at 8:00 am

    Drinking beer does make me attractive to women! You’re a liar! 😉

  3. April 12, 2011 at 9:45 am

    oh I so hate the have a happy period. I want to poke the dude that came up with that one in the eye. or the balls. because we all know only a man/men would have come up with that ridiculous slogan.

  4. Erica Snipes
    April 12, 2011 at 9:56 am

    Just like most of your 25 things lists, I’m totally on board with this one too! Nice work! I’m especially fond of: 10, 14, and 20. But will it make people here mad if I say that I enjoy the Golden Oreo cookie?!

  5. April 12, 2011 at 2:33 pm

    My vagina smells fine, too. Scented tampons creep me the hell out.

  6. April 12, 2011 at 2:48 pm

    @Erica – Golden Oreos are an abomination of God. Amen. 😀

  7. April 12, 2011 at 3:25 pm

    A comment about #11. Why is that the less clothing you are trying on in a store the worse the lighting is? Trying on jeans and t-shirts at Old Navy = crappy lighting. But have you been bathing suit or bra shopping lately? They make my white and pasty legs look like something to be shown on True Blood not at the pool.

  8. Casey
    April 12, 2011 at 3:30 pm

    Amen, Sister! I agree with you straight down the line!!

  9. April 12, 2011 at 3:39 pm

    OMG – the Happy Period commercials make me stabby.

    But, I love golden oreos dipped in dark chocolate and then sprinkled with sea salt.



  10. April 21, 2011 at 7:53 pm

    So funny! The ads on CNN — drive me nuts! I go elsewhere now.

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