Dear Anne Hathaway,
I think we could be really good friends if you would stop trying to be Gracie Allen to James Franco’s deeply stoned George Burns. Please insist on better writing next time you host something so I can like you again.
Dear James Franco:
Put down the bong.
Dear Helena Bohnam Carter:
Did you lose a bet in the 90’s and now have to dress like that at all red carpet events?
Dear Mila Kunis:
Are you auditioning to play Maggie the Cat? Because your dress looked kind of like a slip.
Dear Robert Downey Jr.:
Call me. My husband never needs to know.
Dear Nicole Kidman:
I thought you gave up Scientology. So why are you dressed like a space explorer?
Dear Kirk Douglas:
Dear Melissa Leo:
Would you prefer to play yourself when SNL lampoons your acceptance speech or should Kristin Wiig do it?
Dear Christian Bale:
That beard is the wrong way to go about getting en endorsement deal from Gillette.
Dear Gwyneth Paltrow:
I’m sorry, I just woke up because everything about you bores me to unconsciousness. Did you do something interesting?
Dear Reese, Sandra, and Halle:
Please tell me that the three of you got to do shots together in a “Former Winners Suite”.
Dear Natalie Portman:
You were so dignified in your speech! I would have hurled those strappy high-heeled sandals into the audience screaming “What kind of sadist makes a pregnant lady wear these horrible fucking shoes?”.
Dear Cate Blanchet:
Why did you frame your boobs?
Dear Jon Stewart:
I miss you.