Letters to the People At the Oscars


Dear Anne Hathaway,

I think we could be really good friends if you would stop trying to be Gracie Allen to James Franco’s deeply stoned George Burns. Please insist on better writing next time you host something so I can like you again.

***

Dear James Franco:

Put down the bong.

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Dear Helena Bohnam Carter:

Did you lose a bet in the 90’s and now have to dress like that at all red carpet events?

***

Dear Mila Kunis:

Are you auditioning to play Maggie the Cat? Because your dress looked kind of like a slip.

***

Dear Robert Downey Jr.:

Call me. My husband never needs to know.

***

Dear Nicole Kidman:

I thought you gave up Scientology. So why are you dressed like a space explorer?

***

Dear Kirk Douglas:

You rock.

***

Dear Melissa Leo:

Would you prefer to play yourself when SNL lampoons your acceptance speech or should Kristin Wiig do it?

***

Dear Christian Bale:

That beard is the wrong way to go about getting en endorsement deal from Gillette.

***

Dear Gwyneth Paltrow:

I’m sorry, I just woke up because everything about you bores me to unconsciousness. Did you do something interesting?

***

Dear Reese, Sandra, and Halle:

Please tell me that the three of you got to do shots together in a “Former Winners Suite”.

***

Dear Natalie Portman:

You were so dignified in your speech! I would have hurled those strappy high-heeled sandals into the audience screaming “What kind of sadist makes a pregnant lady wear these horrible fucking shoes?”.

***

Dear Cate Blanchet:

Why did you frame your boobs?

***

Dear Jon Stewart:

I miss you.

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10 comments for “Letters to the People At the Oscars

  1. Kate
    March 1, 2011 at 9:11 am

    I didn’t watch the Oscars but somehow feel I just learned all the important things about them.

  2. March 1, 2011 at 10:06 am

    Mmmmmm. Robert Downey Jr. Yes.

  3. March 1, 2011 at 10:41 am

    HOnestly. These were spot on. Loved them.

  4. TheNextMartha
    March 1, 2011 at 10:42 am

    I only watch the red carpet. After that I lose interest.

  5. amy
    March 1, 2011 at 10:55 am

    Totally agree with you. Maybe Sandra Bullock can host next year. Or better yet bring back Billy Crystal or can you imagine Robin Williams. Oy. and I totally agree with you about Robert Downey jr. Yumm

  6. March 1, 2011 at 12:10 pm

    I’m glad to know I’m not the only one in the world who feels the same as you regarding Gwyneth Paltrow.

  7. March 1, 2011 at 12:21 pm

    B loves the Oscars so we watch because of him. I could care less, but hope to be entertained along the way. Anne and James sucked monkey balls.

  8. March 1, 2011 at 1:16 pm

    I mean REALLY why does Helena Bonham Carter DO THAT. Its stupid.

    I liked Mila Kunis’s dress.

    I love Anne Hathaway but was annoyed with her at the Oscars too.

  9. D
    March 1, 2011 at 3:24 pm

    Anne did try a little too hard but someone had to pick up the slack considering James awkwardly stood there in his burnt out way. I can agree with all of this.

  10. Valli
    November 4, 2012 at 8:44 am

    We will have to arm wrestle for Robert and Jon.

Comments are closed.