Good GAWD there is nothing going on in the world. Well, there is but it’s all depressing. We’re bombing Libya and Congress still can’t pass a long-term spending bill and Natalie Portman apparently didn’t do all her own dancing in Black Swan. No one is out there being super crazy, just lots of Republican presidential hopefuls prancing around Iowa yipping about how we all need to be more religious. Even Charlie Sheen is keeping quiet right now. There’s just nothing good for the discerning snark-blogger to lampoon. I thought I was going to have to scrape together a post about how Holly’s World should stop pretending to be a reality show because clearly, everyone on it is actually boring and they have to write drama to get enough material for 22 minutes each week. I mean that whole thing with Jayde Nicole? What was that? Besides totally sucky tv, of course. Not that I’ve stopped watching it. I’ve got an episode on the DVR right now. I’m going to settle in with some Phish Food to see Josh meet his birth mom as soon as I finish this post.

Anyway, in a last ditch attempt to get inspired, I toggled my way over to Gwyneth Paltrow’s site Dear Gwynnie likes to share her tips for living with us mere mortals so we too can be as fabulous as she is. Isn’t she kind? Isn’t she generous? Isn’t she completely out of touch with anything resembling the reality of your normal average woman?

I started my Goop-ing on her “Get” tab because shopping like the Gwyn-ster sounds just dandy. She has a whole section on the French Pharmacy! Oooo, intriguing! What could “French Pharmacy” a euphemism for? What helpful little hint lies under that titles? Yeah, it’s a list of products Gwyneth likes to pick up at pharmacies when she’s in France. Or she has her friends grab stuff for her when they’re in France. I last went to France for three days in 2006.  I have no foreseeable plans to go back to France and neither do any of my friends as far as I know, so no chance of getting any of Gwyneth’s magical French products. Unless, she’ll pick some up for me. Or tell me about versions of her favorite stuff that can be found in, you know, the US. Where most of her fans live.

Since it appears that Gwynnie and I do not have the same shopping agenda, I went on over to her “Do” tab to see if I could get more Paltrow-like through action. There was an article about a 21-day cleanse. That you can buy from some high-end “cleansing” guru that Gwyneth likes. I don’t know a lot about “cleansing” but I’m under the impression that it’s basically restricting your diet dramatically for a while in ways that will cause you to poop a lot. So, while it’s good to know that Gwyneth poops, it appears she needs medical supervision to do it. I poop just fine on my own so yeah. No “cleansing” for me.

Finally, I clicked on the “Go” tab. I did not hold out much hope. But it’s possible that Gwyneth has been to DC and can recommend something cool that I don’t already know about, right? Wrong. Gwyneth hits up locations like Hong Kong and Marrakesh and Paris. Where she probably spends all her time in pharmacies instead of cafes because she can’t eat anything for fear of becoming uncleansed.

I’m glad that Gwyneth has found her niche in the world where she gets to travel and cleanse and shop in France instead of at CVS. Presumably all of this makes her very, very happy. She certainly looks happy as she models her favorite clothes. Many of which are at a price point that make make them seem more like “mortgage payment” than “fun little pick-me-up” for me. I’m sure there are some people, some rich people, who can really benefit from the World According to Gwyneth but as for the rest of us, well, it’s aspirational at best, depressing at worst. Gywneth is one of those rarified souls who has probably never mailed off a rent check with an 89% certainty that it would bounce because her hourly job wasn’t going to cut it this week. She lives a life of such privilege that unimaginable luxuries seem like necessities and she shares them on her website because she just doesn’t understand that she lives a life that most moms can’t imagine because they don’t have enough free time to even contemplate Paltrow-ism.

Maybe I should write a lifestyle website that teaches people like Gwyneth about living in a modest home, attending a day job for 40 hours a week, taking public transportation to get there and contenting themselves with vacations that consist of visiting the grandparents for a long weekend over Memorial Day. They can learn about waiting until Groupon offers a 60% off deal if they wanted a pedicure and that true “cleansing” happens at bathtime. And as for French drugstore goods? Pronounce “Target” with a French accent. Ooo la la.


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8 comments for “Goop-ed

  1. March 29, 2011 at 7:33 am

    Yesser. Momma Paltrow has zero clue how to be a regular person despite all her protesting in articles that she is just a normal mom. blah.

    FYI though. You can buy most of that French crap online.

  2. March 29, 2011 at 10:46 am

    I am so relieved that there is someone else who thinks Gwynnie is just plain ridiculous.

  3. March 29, 2011 at 10:56 am

    Oh Gwennie Gwennie Gwen (to quote Dan Aykroyd) “You ignorant cow”… what a super rocker hubby, modest cottage modeled after Balmoral and getting to kiss Mr. Schuester (swoon) isn’t enough for ya.. now you have to share the Tao of Paltrow with us peasants? Just because you CAN have a website doesn’t mean you should sweetie. I’m sorry but if I want to deal with a reality detached mediocre actor I’ll take Charlie thankyouverymuch.

  4. amy
    March 29, 2011 at 11:58 am

    I used to get GOOP on a regular basis and then I changed email. Then I stopped getting GOOP cuz it depressed me and made me really dislike Gwynnie. Her father must be plotzing in his grave. BUt anyways when we all win the lottery then we can live life according to Gwyneth, that really lucky woman. Everything she does, she does well. The bitch.LOL

  5. March 29, 2011 at 1:05 pm

    Yeah. She’s a regular heroine to the proletariat, huh?

    I also spent 3 days in France. In 1992.

  6. March 29, 2011 at 2:14 pm

    Apparently you’re not as fabulous as I assumed. Don’t regularly shop in Paris? Don’t need medical supervision pooping? And you’d rather make your mortgage payments than buying a cute little sun dress?

    It’s like I don’t even know you any more.

    Good day!

  7. March 30, 2011 at 11:20 am

    Jezebel has a good time whacking at Gwynnie and GOOP from time to time as well:!5534223/eat-pray-goop-gwyneth-paltrow-is-not-your-dietician

    The Fug Girls are surprisingly more gentle:

    For a while there, she was the regular winner in the Worst Celebrity in the World contest my coworker and I like to play, in which she (Gwyneth, not my coworker) was often pitted against Angelina Jolie and her fleet of child-transporting VWs.

  8. April 2, 2011 at 1:52 pm


    Xo susie

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