Who Do I Have To F*ck To Get A Book Deal?

(Jim Wilson/The New York Times)

Apparently, the answer to that question is “Levi Johnston”.

OK, I know I’m not supposed to lob ad hominem attacks at public figures and I know I’m supposed to ignore the P@lins in the hope that they’ll go away but DUDE. BRISTOL P@LIN IS “WRITING” A BOOK! (Maybe. It’s unconfirmed. But I’m going to pretend it’s true.) I can’t ignore that. My head will explode if I try. So, here is a list of helpful suggestions for what Bristol might call her as-yet-unwritten magnum opus.

  1. The Girl Who Played With…Well, I don’t play with THOSE Anymore and Neither Should You
  2. Maidenhead Revisited
  3. Brave New Commitment to Celibacy
  4. Lord of Levi’s Flies
  5. Harry Potter and the Unplanned Teen Pregnancy
  6. Low Expectations
  7. Twilight! What Do You Mean That Title’s Taken?
  8. 1,001 Ways to Cook Caribou
  9. Mean Girls: A Story of Mothers and Daughters
  10. Can’t Touch This (Anymore)
  11. Tripp-ed Up on the Path to Abstinence
  12. Lips Together, Legs Apart
  13. The Joy of Giving Up Sex
  14. The Importance of Being Abstinent (Or Lessons I Wish I’d Learned Before My Power-Hungry Mom Decided to Make Me Famous)
  15. We Don’t Need No Education: A Comprehensive Guide to Getting Your the GED
  16. The Last Temptation Of the Newly Celibate
  17. If You Give Your Redneck Boyfriend a Cookie
  18. Sarah House Rules (And How Poorly They Work)
  19. How To Succeed In Showbiz Without Even Having Talent
  20. Ghostwriter? I thought I was supposed to write a memoir, not a ghost story. Wait, what?
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10 comments for “Who Do I Have To F*ck To Get A Book Deal?

  1. February 9, 2011 at 8:41 am

    I really wish that family would just recede back into the Alaskan wild again. Their 15 minutes were over a loooong time ago.

  2. February 9, 2011 at 11:44 am

    Someone once said to me, “Everyone has a book in them.” I think she was referring to Harper Lee, not Bristol Palin.

  3. February 9, 2011 at 12:21 pm

    Ok, that is too frickin’ funny.

    I think “If you give a redneck boyfriend a cookie” is destined to be a classic.

  4. February 9, 2011 at 12:24 pm

    Unbelievable. I hope it isn’t true, but if it is it is your title suggestions almost make up for it. Funny stuff.

  5. Erica Snipes
    February 9, 2011 at 1:38 pm

    How about “If You Give Your Redneck Boyfriend Some Nookie” instead?! Good gracious, this family is a trip, really! Don’t retreat, just reload…give me a break. Let me paraphrase a great movie, The American President: “Palin family, your fifteen minutes is up. My name is Barak Obama, and I AM the President.”

  6. wendy
    February 9, 2011 at 2:28 pm

    I’ve been watching Secret Life of the American Teenager on Netflix. Just this morning I watched the Bristol episode. Not only is that poor girl saddled with a loon for a mother, but she is a horrible actress – stiff, awkward, and uncomfortable to watch.

  7. amy
    February 9, 2011 at 4:07 pm

    Doesn’t it just piss you off that people like Bristol, Snookie, J-Wow and the Situation have book deals and brilliant bloggers get nothing? It pisses me off that dreck get alot of money to be silly human being. The dumbing down of America and how Bloggers should have book deals….
    Oh..”I survived my years as my mom’s example”

  8. February 9, 2011 at 4:18 pm

    And just think. Her child is our nation’s future. May the gods have mercy on our souls.

  9. Shelley
    February 11, 2011 at 8:27 am

    Thank you, John McC@in, for the P@lin family.

Comments are closed.