State of the Union


There should be a State of the Union red carpet so people other than dorks like me would know who everyone in the room is. Do you think we could get Ryan Seacrest to host it? Or maybe one of the blonde women from Fox News. They treat politics like entertainment.

Nice dress on Michelle Obama! You can guess how good a speech is going to be by looking at her. Tonight she’s beaming. He must have some good material.

Sebelius, Clinton, Sotomayor,  Kagan, Napalitano, Solis…Obama sure knows how to surround himself with kick-ass women.

Look Democrats and Republicans are sitting together! So cute! I wonder if they’ll break into a chorus of “I’d Like to Buy The World A Coke”.

Here comes the President! Wooooooo! Let’s get this party STARTED!

And by “party” I, of course, mean bi-partisan compromise for the good of America.

You know what would make the State of the Union even better? if Senator Franken showed up in his Stewart Smalley costume. Or even just the wig.

He says we’re all part of the American family. I’m confused. The governor of Alabama said that people who don’t believe in Jesus aren’t his family. Who’s right?

Is he daring to suggest that money isn’t the true measure of American success? How radical! You don’t have to be rich to be a winner!

Can we start a fund to buy Mitch McConnell an upper lip?

Oooooo, he’s talking about jobs! I’m hoping he’ll suggest a giant government initiative to directly hire all kinds of workers, from carpenters to playwrights, as well as tackling education, housing, and food-clothing and shelter for families in need. Workers will all get government salaries for doing good, productive work on roads, public buildings, and parks, thus stimulating the economy from the demand side and reinvigorating the consumer goods and retail markets, as well as providing durable investments in communities nationwide. We could call it the Works Progress Administration and…what’s that? It’s been done? By President Franklin D. Roosevelt? And it created almost 8 million jobs? But we’re never doing that again? Huh. Interesting.

What does Joe Biden keep smiling about? What’s Speaker Boehner doing to him under that desk?

“Winning the future”. Wow. I think we just heard the 2012 campaign slogan.

The President just mentioned Facebook. And somewhere, Mark Zuckerberg had an orgasm.

No, no, no, American spirit didn’t invent the internet, AL GORE invented the internet!

Applause.

Applause.

Applause.

Do you think he ever wants to say “Cool it with the damn applause! I already won the election! I know I’m a badass. Now sit down and let me finish!”

All this talk of clean energy is awesome, I love it, but can he call out all the jerk-offs who sit in parking lots with the engine running for 30 or 40 minutes while their spouse does the grocery sopping? I mean, really, people. Just go inside if you want to stay warm!

YES! THROW “NO CHILD LEFT BEHIND” OUT LIKE SNOOKI AT LAST CALL!!!!!!!!!!!

It’s about damn time for him to say he’s going to focus on returning the US education system to a respectable institution wherein teachers are treated as highly-skilled professionals and students are treated as people, not trained monkeys whose main job is to dance to the organ-grinder tune of standardized tests.

Also, does it piss anyone else off that schools have to fork over thousands of dollars to for-profit third-party businesses for all the testing and test evaluations? That money could be better spent actually teaching kids. Just sayin’…

All the men in the room seem to be wearing navy suits. Do you think they called each other before the speech?

Senator McCain looks sad, like he wishes he were making the big speech tonight. He should take comfort in knowing that if he were trying to give a State of the Union, he’d have that annoying lady from Alaska mugging for the camera behind him and possibly trying to steal the mic to give a sales pitch for her latest book.

Also, it’s cute that McCain is sitting with Senator Kerry. It’s like the Boulevard of Broken Dreams.

All this talk of starting new businesses enriching the nation makes me feel like a slacker for not starting one of my own. I gotta get my mitten store up and running so I don’t fail America!

Obama wants to increase exports. In which case, we should be focusing more energy on growth in the creative industries like music, publishing and film because those are among our largest exported products. Cracking down on piracy overseas would also be helpful in promoting profits for creative products. We should focus on what really sells instead of trying to prop up a withering manufacturing sector.

Oh dear. I’m sorry about that last paragraph. I did my masters thesis on creative sector stimulus as a tool for economic growth. I can’t always control myself. I’ll go back to making fun of Boehner’s pink tie now.

That pink tie was a brave choice for Boehner. Pink and orange don’t always work together.

You know who I miss? Ted Stevens. He was the only US Senator ever to wear and Incredible Hulk tie. Which was not pink.

I’ve gotta say, this speech is one of the wonkiest I’ve heard from Obama. I was hoping he’d take us all to church and make us believe in America as a bipartisan dream-scape. Instead he’s, you know, governing. Fox News is going to be very confused by a speech with substance.

Speaking of pundits do you think Keith Olbermann is home alone watching this in his underwear and preparing a “Special Comment” that he’ll deliver to the mirror?

He wants to make the tax code simpler. Won’t that reduce jobs at the IRS?

Yeah, I’ve decided. I think “winning the future” sounds dumb. But I guess “it’s the economy stupid” was taken.

You know what would rock? If someone up in the House Gallery were to hold up a sign saying “Next Up: SportsCenter!”.

He’s going to veto any bill with earmarks? Good thing Robert Byrd isn’t here to hear that.

Oh good. He’s talking about ending combat in Iraq. If I’d ended combat in Iraq, I would have marching bands and balloon drops every time I talk about it. That shit was MAJOR.

Biden is REALLY psyched about defeating Al Queda. He’s nodding vigorously.

Hillary Clinton looks like she wants to take the mic as Obama talks foreign policy and say “I did that. All of it. Me. I did it. You got that?”

Isn’t it interesting that Congress is silent and solemn while considering the brave service of doctors who work among the poorest people of the world but many of them don’t seem very interested in making sure the poorest of Americans can get medical care?

Yes! Some of our troops ARE gay! And that’s OK! WOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

And…Boehner cries at being reminded that he swept the floor in his father’s bar before becoming Speaker of the House. That man has GOT to start carrying a hankie.

Damn. The Chilean rescue story, the reminder of Americans doing great things…I’m crying. Yes, Mr. President. Yes, we can.

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21 comments for “State of the Union

  1. January 25, 2011 at 11:25 pm

    Oh my, you are awesome!….. Just sat through watching it…..but your recap outdoes anything that the prez attempted to say 🙂 From the navy suits, to what was happening between the speaker and the VP…..there is some serious giggling going on.

  2. January 25, 2011 at 11:29 pm

    I love you. The end.

  3. Kate
    January 25, 2011 at 11:33 pm

    Throw out “No Child Left Behind” like Snooki at last call! You are my hero!!

  4. Erica Snipes
    January 25, 2011 at 11:36 pm

    Nice recap and comments too…I think your blog should hit the President’s desk at some point! 🙂

  5. January 25, 2011 at 11:37 pm

    This is amazing! To put all of this together while watching the SOTU is absolutely amazing. Funny and great points! Wow.

  6. January 25, 2011 at 11:38 pm

    I was inspired to create a new drinking game: every time Boehner looked like he was having a brain aneurysm, take a shot.

  7. Court
    January 25, 2011 at 11:46 pm

    I <3 you. You made getting through listening to the Republican response bearable. I appreciate that greatly. I also appreciate you noticing Boehner pulling off the pink and orange look. There were lots of "first orange American speaker" jokes at my house tonight. I think pink is the new power tie color…

  8. January 25, 2011 at 11:50 pm

    So much talk about ending the war. We could make a drinking game out of that. We’ll see if it actually happens.

    And, of course, seeing every post of yours brings a tear to my eyes. Bravo, dear woman, you are fabulous.

  9. January 26, 2011 at 12:15 am

    I love this! Hysterical!

    And the best part is I got home late and only caught the last five minutes of the SOTU, but you summed it up so nicely here!

    It does take a certain kind of man to pull off pink and orange. Maybe that’s what Biden was grinning about?

  10. Jules
    January 26, 2011 at 1:02 am

    You are, to paraphrase, awesome. Next year I’m just going to come here instead of actually watching on tv.

  11. January 26, 2011 at 7:48 am

    I am lame. I fell asleep 1/2 way through the speech! But I was prepared for this, which is why I DVR’d it. However, don’t need to watch it now. Loved this!

  12. DMCostorf
    January 26, 2011 at 7:53 am

    The Boulevard of Broken Dreams….OMG you rock!

  13. Shelley
    January 26, 2011 at 10:17 am

    I did not watch the SOTU since I am an old lady in a young body and went to bed at 8:30. However, here is an excerpt from an article I read this morning that I thought was interesting:

    “– Most lawmakers in the room, including Boehner, Vice President Joe Biden, Ohio Sens. Rob Portman and Sherrod Brown, and Rep. Jean Schmidt, were wearing the same black and white striped lapel pin. It was to honor the victims in the Arizona shootings that left six dead and injured Rep. Gabrielle Giffords, a Democrat. Who did NOT wear the pin? Obama. And Chabot.”

    Why not wear the freaking pin?

  14. Rebekah @ Mom-In-A-Million
    January 26, 2011 at 10:36 am

    I noticed Obama wasn’t wearing the pin. If I had to guess, I’d say they were handed out on the Floor of the House before the speech began. Biden got there before the President so he could have gotten one while he was waiting. The President probably didn’t have the opportunity.

  15. January 26, 2011 at 10:57 am

    Just one comment–I want to read your thesis on creative sector stimulus! I’m not kidding. Or at least the salient points? I’ve got my knickers in a twist on the state of employment for pregnant women, mothers in transition, part time working moms…The only solution I see is to work for ourselves.

  16. Rebekah @ Mom-In-A-Million
    January 26, 2011 at 11:13 am

    @Carrie, Ha! My thesis is 7 years old and 100 pages long. The data is way out of date and deals with creative sector stimulus in the UK, not the US. All of the programs I analyzed were Blair era initiatives. I don’t know if they even exist any more since the ascent of Gordon Brown. It’s relevance is limited at best since I have no idea if the programs are still in place or if any of them had the effects that I suggested they would have. I also used phrases like “presumed causality” that were so academic and pretentious that even I was grossed out.

    I will say that entertainment products are, I think, our third largest export after aircraft and maybe agricultural products. (I can’t find a reference for that so don’t take it as gospel – I’m basing this on a conversation I had with someone a few months ago). I’m of the opinion that we should sell more of the things we know people want rather than trying to gin up a market for products of questionable demand levels. But I’m not an economist. I’m a cultural policy studies geek with an over-inflated opinion of her own ideas.

  17. Joslyn
    January 26, 2011 at 1:14 pm

    Boulevard of Broken Dreams. ::Snicker::

  18. January 26, 2011 at 4:32 pm

    I totally thought that about McCain and Kerry too!

    Good re-cap. It was IMPOSSIBLE to follow the twitter #SOTU last night.

  19. January 27, 2011 at 10:39 pm

    @Rebekah–just consider yourself tapped for my budding, imaginary think tank that will solve all the problems mothers experience at the hands of w.w.m. (working while mothering). If we’re not creative, then I don’t know anything at all. And if there’s money to be made in being creative via exporting, well it looks like we could have a bargaining advantage!

  20. Zoe
    January 28, 2011 at 12:06 am

    OK, I’m someone that needs Ryan Seacrest to host it. That is a fabulous idea. I don’t know who any of those people are. Well, maybe a few. But If he hosted and you did the recap, I might actually know what’s going on in our country! Loved this!

  21. January 29, 2011 at 10:33 pm

    “Also, it’s cute that McCain is sitting with Senator Kerry. It’s like the Boulevard of Broken Dreams.”

    Among the many lines in this post that made me pee myself!

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