I figured it out in Target this weekend. A weekend, I might add, that was smack in the middle of January. Which is part of winter. A season that is very, very cold in over half the country.
I went to Target hoping to find some replacement kid mittens because we’re down to our last pair, with at least 6 more weeks of serious cold ahead of us. I also thought I’d like more winter pajamas for C because he decided to grow a couple of inches while I was making dinner or something and now all his footie pjs are stretched into deep scoopnecks, which is not the look I’m going for in toddler sleepwear.
But did Target have kid mittens or warm pjs? Nooooooooo. They did not. They had bikinis. But I can’t see wrapping those around Cs hands while he makes snowballs.
I have long wondered what is wrong with the fashion industry that it foists beach-wear on us when we’re trudging around in snow boots and heavy sweaters. Spring break is not a good enough excuse for popsicle-colored terrycloth beach cover-ups taking center stage in stores when there is ice crusting the mirrors on my car. Showing me flirty sundresses with spaghetti straps when I’m at Target for rock salt in advance of a possible snowstorm is just plain insulting.
But nothing is as angry-making as the fact that the powers-that-be won’t stock mittens after about January 3. Surely, SURELY, someone in the head office of large retailers is a parent and knows the eternal truth that Kids Lose Mittens. Surely they have found themselves scouring a mall on January 23rd trying to find one pair of mittens to replace the last remaining intact pair that got left on a bus or at a friend’s house, never to be seen again, and leaving a child with the prospect of wearing two left-hand mittens or going bare-fingered for the rest of winter. Surely they understand that demand for mittens will continue well into March and having them on the shelves would make their store a Mecca for mothers. It would be like Field of Dreams only colder. If you have mittens, moms will come.
Then, I had my brainstorm. Why should Target rich from mid-winter mitten sales when I could get rich instead!
I want to open a small store, maybe even just a kiosk, that sells mittens. Nothing but mitten from October through March. And not just any mittens: SINGELTON mittens! That’s right, when your kid loses his left mitten, you can come to me and replace just the left mitten, not the whole pair. And you can come there all winter long. None of this aspiring to be spring when the temperature is 15 degrees bullshit. I will keep your hands covered until winter’s last gasp, while saving you money on mittens by the half-pair.
I KNOW! I’m a genius. You can thank me when I actually get it up and running. Right now I need to go super-glue our last remaining pair of mittens to C’s hands so he doesn’t lose them because, for now, there are no mittens to be had and I’m not ready to wrap his hands in bikinis yet.