Congratulations! You’re getting married! You must be overwhlemed with joy! This is an exciting event in the life of a young ma-. Oh. Right. Not young. But it’s still exciting! Marriage isn’t the province of the young, after all, and even 84 year old men are entitled to new adventures.With 24 year old women. Who are not their grand-daughters but could be.
Now, has anyone sat you down and explained about the Birds and the Bees to you in advance of your wedding night? What’s that? You already know about the Birds and the Bees? You’ve been Bee-ing Birds for over 70 years? You actually ARE the original Bee? Oh. Gotcha.
Well, ok, then, you know what you’re doing. But you should remember that not all women look like the altered specimens in men’s magazines. You need to expect imperfections and flaws and – What’s that? You created those kind of women? You have an endless supply of them on tap? You finance their transformation from pretty girl to artificially perfect girl? Your fiancee is one of them? Oh. Ok.
Well, you do know that marriage is a lifetime commitment that comes with a presumption of fidelity and mutual respect and clearly shared expectations of behaviors and – what’s that? This is your third marriage and you didn’t bother with those other things before? And yet your second wife stayed married to you for over 20 years even though you were estranged and living separate lives in separate homes for most of that time? And you had multiple girlfriends at any given time? Oh.
Well, then I guess you’ve got it all covered. You created the babe, you’ve got her surgeon on speed dial in case something on her body starts to show age, and you have no compunctions about cheating or divorcing or both. Best of luck to you!
Confused about your appeal,
Dear Crystal Harris,
So. Hef proposed. You win?
Sweetie, you don’t seem like a dumb girl. And I’m willing to concede that you know things about Hef’s character that I’ll never be privy to. But really? This is the horse you think your wagon should be hitched to? An 84 year old man who has made a fortune objectifying women?
I’m sure he makes you feel pretty. Pretty is his stock in trade. Pretty, young, and somewhat naive are what he sells. Big-eyed beauties who toss their hair for the camera and seem somehow unaware that they’re stark naked when the flash goes off. He goes in search of these girls by the score and where he can’t find them, he creates them by subsidizing plastic surgery for the lucky few he selects as his own. You’re one in a long string of girls that he’s bedded or wedded.
Do you think you’ll be the last?
Listen Crystal, if you’re down with all the Hef-related baggage and want to be an eternal pin-up, good on ya. But you’re still so young and sheltered that The Little Mermaid is your favorite movie. You’ve spent a significant part of your adult life living under the patronage of Hef. You have options that you don’t even know about. If I were your BFF, I’d say you take a good look at them before you say “I Do”. But that’s just me. I’m all wacky and weird and into female empowerment and individuality instead of being one of a herd of altered blondes sucking up to a guy with a magazine.
I wish you a long and happy marriage. Or at least a happy one for as long as Hef shall live.
Dear Holly Madison,
GIRL! You are so lucky to have gotten out. Bottles up, babe! Drink to a life without Hef and the Playboy Bunny Borg he keeps in the mansion!