Letter to Anyone Considering Sleeping With Charlie Sheen

Dear Any Woman Who is Considering Sleeping With Charlie Sheen:

Back. Away. From. The. Deeply. Troubled. Celebrity.

Listen, for all you porn stars, hookers, wanna be porn stars, wanna be hookers, and anyone who is hoping to get a foothold in Hollywood by nailing an established star with his own sitcom, Charlie Sheen is not a good choice.

Yes, yes, I know that in his most recent romp, he paid a girl $30,000 for sex but you can make $30,000 as an office temp. Granted, it will take you a year and you’ll have to pay into Social Security, but your dignity will be intact and you won’t be contributing to the delinquency of a known addict. And don’t give me that whole “But it was $30,000 for 3 MINUTES of sex! That’s an unprecedented return on investment!”. It’s not going to be worth it. At best you’ll be one in a long line of forgotten skanks. At worst you’ll need large injections of antibiotics to rid yourself of whatever Charlie leaves behind.

Listen, think hard. Charlie Sheen has been paying for sex in Hollywood for decades. Have you heard of any of his conquests apart form Denise Richards and Heidi Fleiss? That’s right. They have all been relegated to obscurity. None of them got so much as a development deal from the Hollywood elite that props Charlie-boy up and allows him to ingest all the substances and boink all the whores he can find as long as their bottom line isn’t affected. They don’t care about his welfare and that don’t care about yours either. You’re just the vice that their star needs to get himself to the set each day. Getting nekkid for Charlie Sheen is tantamount to buying a 30-second spot during Two and a Half Men; it’s pure profit for the network. All you get is some pocket change from Charlie and possibly chlamydia.

And let’s not forget that porn actress he was “partying” with in New York City this summer feared for her life after he locked her in a closet during a drunken rampage. Where is she now? Famous? Rich? Successful? You don’t know, do you? Because you’ve never heard a thing about her since there was some headline about her mulling a lawsuit. After that, a phalanx of lawyers was probably dispatched to shut her down. That was the end of her hopes of a big time entertainment career and she will also have to spend the rest of her life suffering the psychological effects of being assaulted by a drug-addled aging party boy. There’s not enough money in the world to erase those nightmares.

The general skeeviness of taking money for sex aside, the whole pawn-in-Hollywood’s-game-of-trading-human-well-being-in-exchange-for-large-pots-of money-for-studio-execs aside, let’s think about Charlie himself. This is not a well man. He has documented addiction issues. He’s been abusing his body for most of his adult life. Reports indicate the he uses sex like a drug, he doesn’t care about who’s providing it for him. If he did, he wouldn’t seek out those who sell sex for cash. He’s seeking a high, another high, another and another and it does not appear as if he cares if this behavior will kill him. Do you want to help him take this journey to its ultimate conclusion? Do you want to be in the bed when his heart gives out at last?

Is $30,000 for three minutes of sex worth knowing that you may well have been part of the machinery that let a man die?

Do Charlie Sheen a favor and stay away from him. Don’t let him use you to destroy himself. Don’t be part of Hollywood’s shameful legacy of propping up addicts as long as they’re bankable. Go get a job as an office temp in a nice city like Columbus or Atlanta where people treat each other as people. And while we’re at it, see if they can find a gig for Charlie Sheen as well. It would be the best thing that ever happened to him.



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9 comments for “Letter to Anyone Considering Sleeping With Charlie Sheen

  1. TheNextMartha
    January 31, 2011 at 1:09 pm

    Wait, 30K for less than 5min of work. Dude, I need a new kitchen. Time to start working out.

  2. January 31, 2011 at 1:10 pm

    Well done! He’s a trainwreck and the people around him should be ashamed of how they are NOT HELPING. He’s on his way down. I just hope he can clean up before it’s too late. But, he’s been doing this for decades so my guess is that his next “bottom” is going to be 6 feet under. Sad stuff.

  3. January 31, 2011 at 1:11 pm

    You care more about the old tramp than he does himself. 🙂

  4. wendy
    January 31, 2011 at 2:00 pm

    He should be required to wear a valtrex and penicillin dispenser.

  5. January 31, 2011 at 4:33 pm

    What about those that want to sleep with him, not because he’s famous, but because he’s hot?

    Oh, no one thinks that? Yeah, me either….

  6. January 31, 2011 at 10:57 pm

    *sigh* I used to have such a crush on him. Like, 15-20 years ago. Now he’s just gross.

  7. Brigitte
    February 25, 2011 at 1:21 am

    Sad thing is his character on Two and a Half Men is himself in real life, just tamed down so it can stay on network tv instead of say Showtime. Who’s the half? My vote is for Charlie.

  8. Valli
    November 4, 2012 at 8:33 am

    He makes my skin crawl. What a sad, pathetic pile of bad boy.

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