Beauty Top Down: What is Victoria’s Secret?

A few months ago I read “Getting Pretty Back” by Molly Ringwald. Yes, that Molly Ringwald. The one who is pretty in pink. I thought initially that this book was going to be another celebrity memoir that I could lampoon here on the ol’ blog. It was actually more of a self-help book about how to feel good in your skin. It was charming and sweet and a quick, fun read. She talked about everything from picking a perfect lipstick to choosing tasty wine and cheese to making sure to sleep in pretty pajamas instead of ratty t-shirts. I really enjoyed everything she said.

Then I put a book down and disregarded everything in it. I sleep in ratty t-shirts, my lips are lucky if they get a swipe of Burt’s Bees balm, my wine has a screw-top and cheese in my house comes in stick form.”Pretty” is not in my daily repertoire.

Enter my husband’s Christmas gift to me: a gift card to Victoria’s Secret. My first thought when he gave it to me was “Too bad its not a card or Sephora. I can work with the raw material above the neck.” But my husband isn’t a big fan of make-up. He likes thongs.

I don’t have the kind of ass that looks good in thongs. I used to but that was five years, one pregnancy and a gym membership ago. Now my ass does better in modestly cut bikinis, usually made of cotton. My tits can’t do lacy confections of pastel bras: I need underwires and gel pads to shore up my girls. Sure, pretty jammies would be great but  why spend money of the when I have all these t-shirts to sleep in? I mean, no one sees me in this stuff except my husband…


I guess that’s the point, huh? My husband has to look at my undies and pajamas and what the poor man sees are tattered and torn and decidedly unsexy. It can’t be a coincidence that I feel un-sexy in them. I feel cozy and relaxed and loathe to give them up because my life lends itself more to cozy and relaxed than to raging sexpot. Once the day is done and the boy is in bed and I’m stripping off my work clothes and make-up, what I long for is not silk and lace; it’s flannel. And probably 80% of the time my husband doesn’t begrudge me that. At least he better not, oh, Mr. Fleece Sweats. Ahem. But I probably need a stash of stuff to sex it up. Some undies that give me that little “I have a secret!” vibe as I wear them under regular clothes. I mean, I get a boost from a pretty handbag or dangly ear-rings. I know pretty lingerie would do the same thing.

So, I’m going to brave Victoria’s Secret. I’m going to pray for florgiving lighting in the dressing rooms and panties that are at least slightly more substantial than dental floss. Maybe I’ll find some satin jammies, as long as they don’t say anything across the butt. And maybe all of that will put me on track to finding my sense of pretty.

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6 comments for “Beauty Top Down: What is Victoria’s Secret?

  1. Shelley
    January 10, 2011 at 9:56 am

    I have a $50 VS gift card that I was given a year ago for my birthday. It still has not been used. I keep telling myself I will use it when I lose X amount of weight. Well, I lost 50 pounds and I still haven’t used it. Sigh. I’m an idiot.

  2. amy
    January 10, 2011 at 5:12 pm

    If you can check out Soma it is usually located by Chicos. I call it Victoria Secret for mommies who are still lumpy. I try to go into VS but all that pink.

  3. January 10, 2011 at 5:29 pm

    Sadly, as a guy, I’ve been in more VS stores then I would care to admit.

    Side note, if you want to get your husband some yummy cologne, try the Very Sexy for Men by VS. Great stuff and not bad priced, either.

    Anyways, yes, I”ve been carted into more VS stores by my friends to help them pick out panties and bras for their boyfriends. Guys (both gay and straight) love to see their significant others (or, hell, even one night stands) wearing some sexy undies from time to time. I know that Mike rarely will wear except boxer briefs but when I see him running around in some jocks or thongs…..yeah….

    And, FYI, I think you need to get yourself some sweatpants that say “Juicy” on the ass. And get a fake tan. And talk with a Jersey accent.

  4. FM
    January 11, 2011 at 9:13 am

    Hi I have similar feelings about VS. I have found Hanky Panky underwear to be very comfortable, sexy and pretty at the same time. You might want to give them a try. They are not sold at VS but easy to find! Good luck!

  5. anthrogrrl
    January 11, 2011 at 12:32 pm

    I also have a gift card for VS, from my birthday last June. I also have a husband who likes me in a thong, despite the fact that no one in their right mind would think I look good in a thing. I am too intimidated by 1) whether or not they’ll have ANYTHING in my size, and 2) the high prices at VS to use it. Please update us on what you get, in the hopes that it will give me the courage to go too!

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