The holiday shopping frenzy is at its peak (unless you’re one of toe organized people who is totally finished and relaxing with a glass of wine, in which case, I don’t think I like you any more). If you’re scrambling around looking for that perfect stocking stuffer, that sweet little something-something that shows your loved ones just how much they mean to you and does it with warmth and wit, well, this isn’t the list for you. If you want to sit in front of your computer in gape-jawed astonishment, read on!
Pooping Reindeer: I’m sure this kind of thing is meant to be cute and appeal to the 12 year old boy in all of us but it’s actually just another creature that poops. I don’t care that it poops candy. It poops. For people with kids and pets, that is not amusing. That is another pooping creature in a home that’s already too poopy.
Dora The Explorer Perfume: Perfume can be the perfect lovely gesture. It can be an intimate exchange between lovers. It can be an indulgence passed from friend to friend. It can tell a young girl that she’s growing up and deserves a little luxury. This perfume is none of those things. I mean, what could Dora smell like? Monkey. I bet she smells like monkey. This may well be monkey-scented perfume and yeah. Yuck. No grown woman wants this swill and giving it to a child young enough to appreciate Dora is probably a recipe for having her walk around so drenched in the stuff that cartoon scent squiggles shoot off her body.
Justin Bieber Nail Polish: The Biebs is hell-bent on world domination and he’s putting his stamp on all kinds of different things. Music. Books. And…personal grooming products for young girls. I guess he didn’t do a line of shaving supplies because no one would buy that he shaves. Also, I suspect the only guys who dig Bieber are gay and they have too much taste in grooming products to shop at Wal-Mart or wherever that sort of stuff would appear. So the Biebster went the route of pandering to his fangirls who are probably slathering this stuff on in the hopes that Bieber will glimpse the twinkle from all the glitter when they attend his concert, he’ll fall in love with them, and they’ll have the greatest 8th grade formal dance date EVAR.
Sarah Palin Action Figure: Is there anything that says “Happy holidays and a joyous New Year” like a plastic rendering of Sarah Palin with movable joints? Yes, you too can bring the Thrilla from Wasilla into your home where she can deny Barbie sex education and swoon all over GI Joe for his selfless service to country. Though you will have to suspend disbelief for the schoolgirl get-up. I mean, c’mon. Like Sarah Palin would ever go to school!
Deluxe Miracle Jesus Action Figure Set: Jesus is the reason for the season, right? Celebrate his birth with this fabulous action figure set complete with loaves and fishes, water that turns into wine and Jesus himself complete with glow-in-the-dark miracle hands! Actually, that is kind of awesome. And this company also has a Freud action figure. I would love to get Freud in my stocking.
And finally, the stockin stuffer that would turn Christmas from idyllic to psychotic we have this:
The Twilight Inspired Dildo: Yes, you read that right. Its a Twilight marital aid. It’s pink. It sparkles like a Cullen or a drag queen. And…do I really have to type this? I do? Ok. And, you can put it in the refrigerator so it’s all cold like Edward’s junk. Because nothing says hot vampy lovin’ like a cold, glittery dildo.
Emergency Bra: Here’s a little something for the incredibly paranoid among us. A bra that converts to a mask in case of…germ warfare I guess. But really if you’re running from the virus that will bring on the Zombie Apocalypse,. wouldn’t you want adequate support? Also, remember, place your own bra cup over your face first before assisting children with their bra cup.
Bacon Balm: Because everything is better with bacon right?
Sarah Palin Toilet Paper: I know I give Sarah Palin a lot of grief here but this may be going too far even for me. I’ve been trying and trying to think of a face I’d want to wipe my nether-regions with and I can’t come up with anyone. Having anyone at all looking at me from the TP roll would be terrifying and weird.
Personalized Thongs: How fabulous is this? They’re like days of the week undies but you customize them with the name of all the guys in your life! I wonder if they make these for guys because Kody Brown would totally dig these. Also, a dangling charm on the side of your underwear? Worst. VPL. Ever.
Tuggie: Many thanks to a co-worker who pointed this little gem out to me. What to get for the man in your life? Why, a Tuggie! It’s like a Snuggie for your…Twilight dildo. Yeah. Just click the link and go see it or yourself because…I can’t…There really aren’t words. Except that it’s out of stock so there may be some Christmas surprises out there. Which means some of you may have something like this happening under your tree…