Things I’d Rather Do Than Join The Westb*r* Baptist “Church”

Have you heard of Fred Phlep$ (I’m not spelling his name because I don’t want to give him more search hits)? If not, you’re lucky. He’s a disbarred lawyer and raging bigot who runs a “church” out of the basement of his home in Kansas. His congregation is mostly his family and they adhere to a doctrine, that Fred seems to have made up out of thin air, that everything that happens in America is punishment for our acceptance of gay people as being fully human. They take this charming sentiment on the road and hold up filthy, bigoted signs as events such as funerals. They gained notoriety for showing up at Matthew Shepard’s funeral in the 90s. Now they like to parade their hate around at military funerals, on the grounds that our service members die because…I’m not sure. I guess because gay people exist? I’m a little foggy on the logic because, you know, I’m not batshit crazy.

This week the clowns of Westb*r* decided that they will be protesting the funeral for Elizabeth Edwards. The collective bile is rising up in everyone’s throat over that because Elizabeth Edwards is a woman who just left two young children to live the rest of their lives without their mother and these people are going to show up and fuck with that. No church I’ve ever heard of condones tormenting grieving children and this ridiculous “church” should have their tax-exempt status and maybe their classification as human beings revoked permanently.

Thankfully, twitter always delivers a means for me to vent my spleen about freaks like this. Yesterday there was a hashtag that inspired the following list:

50 Things I Would Rather Do Than Join The Westb*r* Baptist “Church”

  1. Get a pet skunk
  2. Join a book club run by Sarah Palin.
  3. Have tea with Spencer Pratt.
  4. Wear jeggings in the Jets’ locker room.
  5. Diaper David Vitter.
  6. Invite Kanye West to any ceremony where I might win something.
  7. Let Clarence Thomas give me a can of soda.
  8. Write a check to Christine O’Donnell’s PAC.
  9. Go to John Boehner’s tanning parlor.
  10. Go camping with Sarah Palin and Kate Gosselin.
  11. Hire Michael Vick as a pet sitter.
  12. Watch Bridalplasty.
  13. Let my son intern for Mark Foley.
  14. Have a seance to contact Ayn Rand.
  15. Date Charlie Sheen.
  16. Grab a latte with Elisabeth Hasslebeck.
  17. Bring burgers to PETA’s home office.
  18. Watch Glenn Beck.
  19. Attend a seder with Mel Gibson.
  20. Go hunting with Dick Cheney.
  21. Let Sharron Angle teach in a special needs classroom.
  22. Take a parenting class from Dina Lohan.
  23. Read a book by Ann Coulter.
  24. Use the bathroom is any house featured on Hoarders.
  25. Have a tickle fight with Eric Massa.
  26. Hear Ke$ha sing.
  27. Go yachting with Tony Hayward.
  28. Do Monica Lewinsky’s laundry.
  29. Let Kody Brown borrow my hair products.
  30. Give Todd Palin a TSA pat-down.
  31. Let Michelle Bachmann rate my patriotism.
  32. Breastfeed in Rabbi Schmuely’s synagogue.
  33. Shop for a bikini in Kabul.
  34. Loofa Bill O’Reilly
  35. Go to Octomom’s OB/GYN.
  36. Give my son an open jar of glitter.
  37. Talk to Tom Coburn about safe sex.
  38. Ask Rick Santorum to be my date to a Pride Parade.
  39. Let any of the Teen Moms cast babysit
  40. French kiss Mahmoud Amedinajad.
  41. Let the Situation mix me a drink.
  42. Let Snooki do my hair.
  43. Hit the Appalachian Trail with Mark Sanford.
  44. Let Jon Gosselin pick out my outfit for the day.
  45. Escort Larry Craig to a public restroom.
  46. Eat a McRib.
  47. Ask Newt Gingrich for marriage advice
  48. Let Brett Favre borrow my camera.
  49. Ask Andrew Zimmern to cook dinner
  50. Sing Simon Cowell a lullabye.
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16 comments for “Things I’d Rather Do Than Join The Westb*r* Baptist “Church”

  1. December 10, 2010 at 10:27 am

    Oh, I’m sorry, what? I couldn’t hear you because I was so busy making out with this post.

  2. December 10, 2010 at 10:33 am


    That’s all.

  3. December 10, 2010 at 11:28 am

    i hate these people and have a really difficult time with the knowledge that the same freedoms that allow me to say I hate them, gives them the freedom to do what they do.
    i disagree with 1. instead of adopting a pet skunk..i’d rather catch a wild one and bring it in my house…that’s how much I detest these people and their choices.

  4. December 10, 2010 at 11:51 am

    I love eat a McRib – nasty & seriously? Todd Palin is cute, I’d pat him down just to piss off Sarah. 😉

  5. Erica Snipes
    December 10, 2010 at 12:04 pm

    Seriously great post and equally great comments. I sincerely hope Elizabeth Edwards’ funeral is a peaceful celebration and memorial of her life of grace and that it is not marred by those batpoop crazy people.

  6. Amy
    December 10, 2010 at 1:47 pm

    I am furiously typing this with one finger so forgive the abruptness but this post is cake sniffing fucking awesome.

  7. December 10, 2010 at 2:07 pm

    i love you. that is all.

  8. December 10, 2010 at 2:09 pm

    It horrifies me that people think this is acceptable behavior. I think you saw me ranting on Twitter about it a little bit, it’s hard to fit all of it into 140 characters though.

    But almost every human is loved by someone else. And a funeral is there to give those loved ones some type of closure. It makes me wonder what those people would think if someone close to them died and to have people scream and protest outside the funeral. Shoe is quite uncomfortable on the other foot, no?

    I’m a big believer in freedom of speech. I love our country because we have this freedom. I can protest peacefully on whatever I feel is outrageous and not fear being arrested.

    However, saying that, there are limits, and this crosses the lines. I was talking to my dad last night about this and he said that you shouldn’t be able to protest people’s funerals that served our country in the military. Sorry, I’ll take that one step further. It should be illegal to protest anyone’s funeral, period. There’s a time and place to protest your anger about the injustices of the world. When someone’s family is trying to mourn and get over someone’s death is NOT the time or place.

    Fucking bat shit crazy bitches.

  9. amy
    December 10, 2010 at 4:53 pm

    I want to meet you!! “I love you more than I love my luggage” and i love the list. I totally agree with kadield..protest at funerals are just not right. It should be illegal.

  10. Michele
    December 10, 2010 at 9:54 pm

    Ok I laughed so hard I choked last night on just the quick twitter updates, and this list was even better.. Love it!!!

  11. Michaelanne
    December 11, 2010 at 4:15 pm

    so well said!!! Hilarious!!!
    @ Kadield, I LOVE your comment, will have to repost it, hope that’s ok? thanks for a great blog

  12. Eve
    December 11, 2010 at 5:16 pm

    Love the list and oh so true. Here’s a link to another blog post that discusses this “church” and then links to some amazing people who truly embody God’s love…

  13. December 13, 2010 at 3:41 pm

    Dang, I start the whole #ThingsIdRatherDoThanJoinTheWestboroBaptistChurch movement and I can’t even get a shout out. Harsh, Mom. Haha


  14. Brigitte
    December 13, 2010 at 8:56 pm

    I love this post. My Dad is a member of the Patriot Guard Riders (PGR), an organization made up of mostly military vets / bikers. They are the ones who shield families from these inhuman monsters & their failed logic. At one time, it was just the PGR in the fight against these jackholes, now just about everyone with a brain is joining in. Kudos for not giving them anymore hits!

  15. December 18, 2010 at 7:41 pm

    Excellent post! I really don’t get their logic either (thankfully). I mean, how do gay people cause all the bad that happens to America? What idiots! It’s wrong that people like that can call themselves a “church.” I think even Jesus would reach his kindness limit with them!

  16. December 19, 2010 at 9:59 am

    These are hilarious and all true.

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