What I’m Watching Now: Jerseylicious and Married to Rock

The hiatuses (hiati?)of  the Kardashians and the polygamist Browns have apparently left a gaping void in my life because I’m been channel surfing a lot lately. I get my weekly fix of my favorite matchmaking diva Patti Stanger on Millionaire Matchmaker, which is always nice. I would like to have coffee with her. And also with Judith Regan who she matched last week in an episode that was actually utterly charming. Usually there’s lots of swearing a douchery but Patti hooked Judith up with a really sweet stand-up comic and the two of them went on a date that was totally lacking the kind of pretense and conspicuous consumption that usually makes that show such an enjoyable and opulent trainwreck.

In my quest for entertainment, I gave in to some morbid curiosity and started watching Jerseylicious one night. It has the principal virtue of being on while my husband is putting C to bed on Sunday night so I can watch it on my own and not have to admit to him that I am totally transfixed by the antics of a bunch of Jersey hairstylists and make-up artists. I have no idea how long this series has been on the air but it was pretty easy to jump into it in the middle. The personal relationship are spelled out quite clearly and there’s no mistaking who hates who. And wooo-baby! Is there some hating going on. Alexa hates Gayle. Gayle hates Alexa. Olivia hates Tracy. Tracy is stealing Olivia’s best friend. Olivia is stealing Alexa’s job.  The relationships and allegiances are Shakespearean and the costumes are just short of kabuki. When I first started watching I thought maybe the way they all look is a joke. The spray tans, the false nails, the hair extensions, the black-ringed eyes and pale frosted lips, the animal print spandex, it’s all a cliche. They seriously look like extras on SNL circa 1989. If I were looking for a quality haircut and stumbled into this salon, I would back out slowly so as not to draw attention to myself lest I be kidnapped and forced to wear stringy fake hair and silver eye shadow. And the way all these people act is like a lesson is How Not to Be Professional.  The air their grievances all over the floor of the salon, in front of clients. All of them are so distracted by their personal drama that it’s a wonder they can cut hair at all. It’s like all those medical dramas where doctors are so busy doing it in the broom closet that they forget to handle patient care. It’s great to watch but I would no more go to one of the stylists on Jerseylicious than I would get medical treatment from Meredith Grey.

But you know what would be awesome? If Tabatha from Tabatha’s Salon Takeover invaded and made them all act more professional. I would LOVE that.

The other show I’ve been watching with only a small twinge of shame is Married to Rock. It’s the story of the lives of four or five women who are married to past-their-peak-of-fame musicians like Duff McKagan and Perry Farrell. And um, yeah, I never thought Perry Farrell was hot back in the day but OH MY GAWD he has aged well. Maybe it was all the heroin that made him less than hot when I was worshiping the Ritual De Lo Habitual album back in the 1990s. Now I’m even sadder about the time I had to sell my ticket and miss that Jane’s Addiction show with Rollins Band opening in 1991 just before Jane’s Addiction broke up for good. But I’ve seen Henry Rollins speak no fewer than 6 times since then and I would totally have his babies and…what? Oh right. Married to Rock. This show is really just a show about quirky marriages but they’re all kind of sweet. The women genuinely love their men, the men reciprocate except in the case of one couple who isn’t really married which is a big issue for the woman but not the man. That is about to come to a head this coming Sunday in an hour long special and I. can’t. wait. I totally want to see how that gets resolved. I’m not sure this show has staying power though. In order to keep it interesting they’ll have to start storyboarding it to give all the couples wacky situations to go through and that will probably ruin it.

I admit that my taste in television is awful. I’ve decided to start reading books with substance in the new year and talking about those. Just to prove that I’m not as dumb as my tv viewing habits would suggest. Watch this space of reviews of some really good, smart stuff. And probably a review f the Kardashian book because if I get any Christmas money, I’m headed right to the bookstore.