Sister Wives: Behind the Couch

Remember back in the 1990s when you and your roommate and her boyfriend would turn off the phone, pop some popcorn and settle in to watch the X-Files for an hour on Sunday night, even though the gross ones really bothered your roommate? And you’d go into work and talk about it the next day and speculate about the Smoking Man and the Lone Gunmen and what really happened to Mulder’s sister?

You don’t? Because that was only for nerds? Heh heh. Right. Me either.

Regardless of your nerd status and what you watched, I’m sure you all had that one show that you watch and discussed with friends. With my husband and his friends it was Seinfeld. At my current job its Entourage. And with other bloggers…it’s Sister Wives.

Stark. Raving. Mad. Mommy. and I have been cracking Sister Wives jokes for weeks and may have done a little dance when we heard about the interview special where Kody “Polygamy Man” Brown and his four wives were going to spill their guts about their reality series on TLC. If she would stop living in Texas and move next door to me, I would have had her over so we could try out the drinking game we invented for the show: Whenever a Wife Cries, DRINK! (Drink Tequila When Kody Cries). Since she insists on keeping 2/3 of the continent between us because her husband’s job, we had to settle for chatting over IM for the show Sunday night. Which is good because it means the conversation is saved. For posterity.

What follows is the transcript of that conversation, the good, the bad, and the rat testicles.

***

SRMM: Oh, I’m so excited I could pee.

MIAM: I know! And I have a lot of leftover Twix bars. Also exciting.

SRMM: If I eat any more chocolate, I’m going to go into a diabetic coma. I’m switching to Cheetos.

MIAM: Damn. I wish I had Cheetos.

SRMM: Kody’s talking! Did he just say meshuggeneh? Yiddish out of this guy is so wrong.

MIAM: Oh good lord. Oh, it’s the goodbye sequence from the wedding. Creep city!

SRMM: Yeah. Here, let me go dance with one of my other wives now. That’s romance, right there. I’m getting a little misty.

MIAM: ::shudder::

SRMM: Oh, look, they’re leaving the reception and the wives are all teary. Bye, new wife. DRINK! Ooh, I think someone’s going to cry again!

MIAM: I’m going to be so hungover at work tomorrow if they keep crying.

SRMM: Oops, no, that was just me crying tears of joy because the special is about to start.

MIAM: Yay! The part where they pretend that inviting cameras into their home caused changes that they never anticipated!

SRMM: Oh, no. He just said he’s like a party boy with his four girls. I think I just threw up in my mouth a little. Oh, and they’re worried about how these legal issues might affect their children? That’s helpful to think about now. Because all five adults could go to jail.

MIAM: I so want to shave his head. Why are two wives behind the couch?

SRMM: They’re trying to find their dignity back there. How do you think they decided which two have to sit behind the couch? Did they draw straws?

MIAM: Coin flip? Rock paper scissors? If I were behind him on the couch I would be so tempted to start pulling individual hairs out of his head.

SRMM: I’d have scissors. Or a frying pan. Ah, yes. They are changing the face of polygamy, one episode (and wife) at a time.

MIAM: They’re going for “transparency.” That’s rich! Unless you spell “transparency” f-a-m-e-w-h-o-r-e.

SRMM: Wait, did one of them just say that America makes them nervous? Bahahahahahaha!

MIAM: They don’t want to talk about sex? Why the hell are we watching this then?

SRMM: Awesome. “We don’t go weird.” Exactly. This is all totally normal.

MIAM: Oh! They’re raising incredible kids. Because kids on reality television always turn out AWESOME. Did he just say chicks?

SRMM: Aw, cute! He says they’re all best friends! “Christine, you’re my best friend. Meri, you are too. And you. And you.”

MIAM: My best friend would tell me about that hair. Real love involves haircuts.

SRMM: I know. All those women, and none of them is telling him to get a haircut?

MIAM: He just used the words, “naked,” “football field,” and “flex” in one sentence. Oh, God. I’m gonna barf. Ew. Um, he just forgot two of his kids.

SRMM: Props to Jim Duggar for never forgetting a kid on TV.

MIAM: And for only having one wife!

SRMM: Touché.

MIAM: Do you think he feeds them roofies? How else are any of them ever in the mood to get knocked up?

SRMM: Meri says “I knew he was the one, and he knew I was the one.” Or one of the ones.

MIAM: “Honey, I love you. And I want to be with you forever and also her and her and her…”

SRMM: Is she tearing up? Can I drink? I think I’ll drink.  Because listening to Meri talk about her apparent chronic depression makes me want to drink.

MIAM: “There are days when it’s ok and there are days where there is not enough Xanax in the world to dull my misery.” Drink. Oooh, the restaurant scene where he says “vulgarity”! I think he looked that word up before filming that scene!

SRMM: I hate that he justifies his douchiness by saying that every marriage has it’s rough moments.

MIAM: Yeah, I’ve never been in a place in my marriage where MY HUSBAND HAD ANOTHER WIFE.

SRMM: Are they drinking alcohol at that Mexican resort? Do fundamentalist Mormons drink alcohol?

MIAM: It looks like it. The way he presents the idea of IVF is so gross. Like he’s saying “I will give you my seed! On a platter!”

SRMM: My SEED will be our anniversary present. I’m surprised they do all this infertility stuff. Seems like it would be contrary to their religious beliefs. Apparently I am ignorant on this topic.

MIAM: My magic seed that makes children that I cannot even remember! Oh. My. God. Christine just said the most condescending thing I have ever heard. “It’s ok that you’re barren, Meri! You can play with my babies!”

SRMM: As someone who has been through infertility treatments, I want to smack all of them. DRINK.

MIAM: Woo-hoo!

SRMM: Good thing. These Cheetos are making me thirsty. Where are they getting the money for the big-ticket lawyer?

MIAM: I bet TLC hired him to protect their investment. That way they don’t have to find another fame whore douche-led family and start from scratch.

SRMM: I bet that’s a fun job. Douche hunter. I would be good at that, I think. OH. MY. GOD. I missed that little tidbit before. Janelle and Meri were sisters-in-law before being sister wives?

MIAM: I had no idea. I think Janelle is boring so I never Googled her.

SRMM: They’re struggling to make ends meet but they drive a Lexus?

MIAM: Well, they buy in bulk. And beef by the half? Like, half a cow?

SRMM: Yes. Oh, good, they’re going to tell us about health insurance. Wait, what? Not all the kids are insured?

MIAM: How did he pick which children to insure? He is really a prince of a dad. Or should I say Baby Daddy.

SRMM: At least one of my kids is crying upstairs. That’s a shame. For my husband.

MIAM: Oh. The cake dancing scene. This calls for drinking. They should have a done a crossover where the Cake Boss made Kody and Robyn’s wedding cake.

SRMM: There should have been a crossover show with Say Yes to the Dress.

MIAM: And one with Dr. Phil where he tells these women to grow backbones and not settle for 1/4 of a man.

SRMM: Oh, Christine. Who aspires to be Wife #3?

MIAM: I really didn’t need to see that birth sequence again.

SRMM: They’re all crying. DRINK.

MIAM: Why is Christine apologizing to the fourth wife? “I’m sorry that I didn’t want you banging my man!”

SRMM: Oh, the dress “bombshell.” He is such a douche.

MIAM: “I picked the dress! And I wore it! With garters! And heels!” Too far?

SRMM: What guy thinks he should be involved in choosing the dress?

MIAM: A gay one.

SRMM: That would be an awesome bomb to drop.

MIAM: I want to slap him. With a car. But I like that Christine rocks the metallic purple eyeshadow. It makes me feel like 1987.

SRMM: He just said there was an “ick factor” for him with Robyn. Dude, the ick factor is alllll you.

MIAM: I have an ick factor for him I suspect that news doesn’t shock you. Also? I bet he’s hung like a hamster. Did I say that out loud?

SRMM: Maybe. I bet he’s not hung like a rat. Rats have enormous testicles. Just FYI.

MIAM: Should I ask why you know that about rat balls?

SRMM: Next time you go to PetSmart, check it out. I thought the rats were all giving birth. Turned out to be their balls.

MIAM: This conversation is so educational.

SRMM: Yeah, you know how you know about public health? I know about rat balls.

MIAM: I also know a lot about the Kardashians. OMG. Robyn sounds exactly like the cult film we watched in 10th grade health class.

SRMM: “It’s not like you’re wife hunting. That just grosses me out.” Oh, yeah. That would be gross.

MIAM: I can’t believe Meri pimps her husband. Kody is broken. Guys like him in the regular world live in their mom’s basement until they’re 30 and know a lot about World of Warcraft.

SRMM: DRINK. Aaaaaand drink again.

MIAM: Ooh, Kody “evolved”! That would be nice. Maybe he’ll make it past Cro Magnon soon!

SRMM: Look, there’s the Barbie house with the four Barbies and one Ken.

MIAM: What, that’s not how you played Barbies?

SRMM: Hey! Isn’t that great? Robyn’s Aspie son is thriving with the complete and overwhelming changes in his life! Polygamy is a new breakthrough treatment for Asperger’s! I should totally try that as a new behavioral approach.

MIAM: Clearly. Maybe Kody can marry Kate Gosselin next!

SRMM: I can’t believe you’re not the President of TLC.

MIAM: I would really revolutionize television.

SRMM: I’m thinking maybe Janelle will leave Kody for Jon Gosselin.

MIAM: She does have a fondness for douches. Oh HELL NO. There’s a special about the honeymoon?

SRMM: Ew. He just flexed in a bathing suit. I think we just found our ick factor.

MIAM: The word gross doesn’t even begin to describe that. He thinks he’s a party boy? What, because he has bad hair? Make it stop. He also just called himself an enigma.

SRMM: Dude. You’re not an enigma. You’re a jackhole. That’s two different things.

MIAM: I’d get fired if I was on a reality show. Why is Meri surprised that she got fired for being on a reality show about being in an illegal relationship?

SRMM: You’d also get fired if you were completely batshit insane. So there ya go. This is what we call “at will employment.”

MIAM: Has Kody had Botox?

SRMM: Maybe just too much time in the tanning booth? Ha ha ha, she just said “I feel so loyal to those people who are watching.” I don’t think she’s speaking to us.

MIAM: They’re mistaking rubber-neckers with actual fans. It’s not that I like them. It’s that I can’t look away.

MIAM: That’s sweet. Kody says it’s all about the kids. At least the ones he remembers.

SRMM: Aaaaah! There’s that dance again. I’m going to finish this beer now.

MIAM: I think you should be able to screw whatever consenting adult you want. But I don’t always need it to be on TV. Unless its blog worthy.

SRMM: Obviously.