A couple of weeks ago, I sent a letter to the publicity department of the publishing house that producing the upcoming book Kardashian Konfidential. I want this book. A lot. Moreover I want this book for free because I’m sure the list price will be about $27 and I don’t want to part with $27. I could use that money for something important like juiceboxes or fruit roll ups. What would the Kardashian sisters use it for? Tipping the valet at some club? Riighhhhttt.
In addition to being not as rich as the Kardashians there are other things I don’t share with them. So, I present to you:
Top Ten Things That Mom-in-a-Million Does Not Share With The Kardashian Sisters
- Unlike Kourtney, I did not greet the onset of labor with a razor to shave my legs. It was December. I was 41.5 weeks pregnant. Even if paparazzi had been a factor, I was not about to try contorting over my enormous bump with its ruptured membranes just to shave legs I hadn’t seen in weeks.
- Unlike Khloe, I consider bathtubs full of candy all-you-can-eat snack buffets, not a sexy spot to pose for pictures to send my husband. Which is probably why no one is asking me to pose naked like PETA asked her to do.
- Unlike Kris, the mother, I would NEVER become my kid’s manager and take a percentage of their earnings because I consider profiting from your children to be highly immoral.
- Like Kim, I have a blog. Unlike Kim, I never post pictures of my younger sister posing without pants.
- Unlike Kylie and Kendall, my sister never poses without pants and she certainly didn’t do it when she was 13.
- Like Kim, I was unmarried at 30. Unlike Kim, I was pretty sure that was ok seeing as I was finishing my masters degree, moving to a city I loved to be closer to friends and to take a job where I was helping people. But I did not have access to professional hair or make-up so maybe I sucked at 30 and just didn’t know it.
- Like Kourtney, I once dated a douche-nozzle who treated me like crap. Unlike Kourtney, I dumped his ass.
- Unlike Kim, I don’t have a sex tape. And if I did have a sex tape, I would know enough to retain the sex tape so no one could release the damn thing. Just sayin’.
- My handbag came from Old Navy. I’m pretty sure those girls would break out in rash if they walked into an Old Navy.
- My job consists of going to an office and doing work. None of my “other duties as assigned” involve “hosting” parties at nightclubs for tens of thousands of dollars. Which really sucks now that I think about it. How come they get to get paid to show up and wave from a balcony in a pretty dress where as I have to slog it out at a real job? OK, those girls are starting to piss me off a little now. Maybe I don’t want to read their stinky book.
I’m kidding. I totally want to read their book. Please send me a copy!