The Kardashian sisters have a book coming out in November.
If you are a legitimate writer with, you know, talent, I’ll give you a minute to pull yourself out of the pit of despair you have undoubtedly fallen into.
OBVIOUSLY I must get my hands on a copy of this book. Because it contains Kardashian diary entries, y’all! Can you imagine? “Dear Diary, Kim, Khloe, my mom, all my friends and a blogger called Mom-in-a-Million all think Scott is douche-nozzle. So I’m thinking of having another baby with him, Love Kourtney” It will be epic. The kind of entertainment you can usually only get from…well, watching their show on E! or reading about them in tabloids. Because there’s really no dearth of Kardashian related sources.
Now, some of your remember Operation Kendra where I started out by emailing her agent, who decided he hated me but referred me to a publicist at the publisher just to shut me up. Then I pestered the publicist who referred me to another publicist who gave me a copy, probably in lieu of a restraining order. Since that caper eventually netted me the book, you’d think I’d start that way again. You’d think wrong. It appears Kim Kardashian and Kendra Wilkinson have the same agent and I am no way, no how, gonna tangle with that guy again. I’m pretty sure he’d get lawyers involved and the only lawyers I know are the moms of C’s classmates and I don’t want to drag them into this. I’d never get another playdate again.
I think that douche on the Spin Crowd is the Kardashian publicist and he freaks me out. So I’m not writing to him. He might try and force me to get lip injections like he did to that poor girl who works in his office.
So, that leaves me with the option of writing to the publicity department at St. Martin’s Press. This may or may not run smoothly because the Contact Us section of their website has two different sets of instructions for requesting a review copy. One simply asks potential reviewers to emails and ask for a copy. The other wants a request faxed on letterhead. I don’t have letterhead so I’m going with option one. Which brings us to Letter Number 1 in Operations Kardashian:
To Whom It May Concern:
I am writing to request a review copy of Kardashian Konfidential. I am the author of the moderately popular mom blog Mom-in-a-Million. My blog gets over [redacted] hits per month, which means that people other than my mother are reading it. I don’t do a very good job of tracking my demographics but you can feel pretty assured that most of my readers are one of your target audiences: mothers who stay at home and watch cable in the evenings because they’re too broke and exhausted from taking care of kids, partners, and jobs to go out and party like a Kardashian.
One of the more popular features on my blog is my reviews of celebrity memoirs. As one of my readers put it in an email to me, I choose books by slutty, dissolute women. This is pretty close to the truth since I have reviewed books by Kendra Wilkinson, Lauren Conrad and Tori Spelling, all to great acclaim. I also talk a lot of about reality programs like the Kardashian franchise because, like most broke, exhausted moms, I take great satisfaction in comparing myself to other people and finding myself superior. Or alternately, watching the lives of very rich people and plunging into a pit of self-pitying envy and despair. The Kardashains offer ample opportunities for both, seeing as my marriage far outranks any relationship those girls have had (though Khloe and Lamar may actually have a good thing going) and I am always driven to distraction by the selfish way they take advantage of their wealth and privilege without seeming to be interested in giving anything back to society.
But despite all of that, I can’t look away.
I know my readers would really enjoy hearing my take on Kardashian Konfidential and a preview copy of it would help facilitate that. Please contact me at firstname.lastname@example.org to discuss shipping methods.