Cereal That Makes You Go WTF?


Did you hear about the Ochocinco porn cereal? I swear this story is true: Chad Ochocinco (a man who I devoutly hope gets traded and has to wear a number other than 85 someday) had a cereal. It was supposed to be benefiting a charity called Feed The Children. However, the toll-free number on the box does not feed children unless by “feed” you mean “pander to” and by “children” you mean “horny guys”. Yeah. It’s a phone sex number. Out. Stand. Ing. The cereal has been pulled from shelves but I thought that maybe there was a stray box or two at my local store and this seemed like a collector’s opportunity. After all, I’m the woman who has boxes of Flutie Flakes from both Buffalo and San Diego. Shut up. Doug Flutie is awesome. And the sales benefited his foundation for kids with autism. No mocking.

Sadly, there were no Ochocincos at my grocery store but there were some other real gems on the shelves.

First we have the WhoTF version of Wheaties with a man, who is probably a famous athelete but I can’t identify him on sight or read his autograph,  peering ominously at you from the shelf. The glare he’s giving is similar to one I’d give before coffee but still not what I want to confront over the breakfast table.

If you need to be reminded of our own adulthood we have cereal that is high in fiber and also has Suze Orman on the box. I guess so you can be catapulted into a whirlwind of stress about you kids’ college fund before 8am. Panic and adrenaline are the new caffeine.

If you don’t feel like coming face to face with all your inadequacies as a financial planner or blowing out your colon before lunch with high fiber cereal you can have dessert. I know these are supposed to be breakfast food but really? Who are they fooling?  Moreover, what parent in their right mind buys these for their kids? The sugar high from this stuff would send most kids into orbit.

Now, we all know candy is bad for kids first thing in the morning but cupcakes are different, right? Right? Also, what acid was the box designer dropping?

But those brand name cereals are sooooo pricey. You can save money and still send your kids into sugar orbit with store brand cereal! The save you money by employing marketing staff who never learned to spell.

Now, this last cereal got me kind of excited and also a little scared. I mean, what could possibly be the ingredients list for something called Science Experiments????

Well, joke’s on me. Those boxes were turned backwards. Instead of selling science, that cereal is really selling Gay Pride.

Do I even need to tell you that all I bought for breakfast this week is bacon?

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14 comments for “Cereal That Makes You Go WTF?

  1. October 13, 2010 at 9:02 am

    I want Gay Pride cereal! No H8!

  2. October 13, 2010 at 9:48 am

    Lol! We never go down that aisle in the store, so it’s been awhile since I’ve even looked at a cereal box. Wow, they have gotten “kookie”.

  3. October 13, 2010 at 9:57 am

    We clearly need to go shopping together.

    And my work once accidentally put a porn number on a mailing.

    We had surprisingly few calls about it.

    Though whether nobody calls those numbers or whether they were just satisfied with what they got we’ll never know.

  4. October 13, 2010 at 10:06 am

    hahahahahhaha

    Oh cereal. How you’ve changed. Were there that many options when we were little!??!

  5. October 13, 2010 at 10:24 am

    I agree that cereal is out of hand, but I will fight you to the death over the last box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch when I’m pregnant. My mom buys all kinds of sugary cereals to drive me crazy and to make my kids prefer staying with her than living with me (which actually would be fine with me), but L doesn’t eat them. He likes Grape Nuts best. I grew up on Cap’n Crunch with Crunchberries, even though they used to cut up the inside of my mouth each morning. Worth it.

  6. Kristen
    October 13, 2010 at 10:25 am

    UGH…..I loathe buying cereal….it seems you can buy “Cardboard Flakes” which will inevitably go bad in the pantry because it is so terrible tasting that nobody will eat it OR “Chocolate Coverd Sugar Bombs” which will inevitably get kids kicked out of school and/or put on ADD medication…

    And then there’s the cost….seriously?? $5 for a box of Cheerios?? I’ll pass….my kids had toast this week….

    (but….I must say, I got 4 boxes of good name brand cereal for $5 a few minths ago….and as an added bonus, if you bought any 2 of these brands, they gave you a free reusable grocery bag….which I adore using…..so for $5 I got 4 boxes of cereal and 2 wonderful bags that I always get complimented on!!! go Kristen!!!)

  7. anthrogrrl
    October 13, 2010 at 10:34 am

    I grew up on a bowl of cereal every morning, and still eat it most days. But we stuck to the boring cereals — Rice Chex, Cheerios, and Kix. Fruit Loops was the huge treat when we stayed with my grandparents. Nowadays, I treat myself to something sugary like Honey Nut Cheerios every once in a while. *smile*

    And Grape Nuts??! Cereal named after inedible seeds? I remember being at my other grandparents’ house and having a few very grown-up cereal options. I chose the Grape Nuts, despite my mom’s warning that I wouldn’t like it. I promised to eat the whole bowl. 15 minutes later, when I was STILL chewing my second spoonful and thought my jaw was gonna drop off, my mom took pity on me and swapped it out for a bowl of All-Bran or something. I have never again tried eating the things.

  8. October 13, 2010 at 1:16 pm

    My daughter does not like cereal that much…she prefers toast and pancakes and waffles. Or fruit.

  9. October 13, 2010 at 8:57 pm

    Now I feel lame that all I have everyday is oatmeal. I need to rethink my cereal options.

  10. October 13, 2010 at 11:33 pm

    It just goes to show if our writing/blogging careers don’t work out, anyone can get a random cereal onto the market! 😉

    Very funny post.

  11. October 14, 2010 at 2:01 am

    my kids have weetbix, and as a treat cornflakes or rice bubbles.

    they nag me tolet them have weetbix for dinner at least once a week at the moment. Who am I to deny my children? Especially when it means I don’t have to cook.

    Suckers!! they think my laziness is a treat!! I have trained them well. ;OD

  12. October 14, 2010 at 11:31 am

    I love Reeses cereal. My husband loves the Cupcake Pebbles. And my 3 year old daughter is a weirdo and asks for the “Tiger Cereal” referring to frosted corn flakes. She prefers pancakes and yogurt over cereal.

    I’m a sucker and I’m lazy so I buy those packs of like 8 or 10 small boxes of cereal.

    PS – Store brand cereal tastes like cardboard with sugar on it. I made the mistake of buying store brand Honey Nut Cheerios. Had one bite and the rest became duck food.

  13. Eva
    October 14, 2010 at 1:50 pm

    We only have Honey Bunches of Oats – I don’t think my 3 year old even knows there are other kinds of cereal. Although I’m not sure what she eats for breakfast at daycare. And we eat cereal at least once a week for dinner. I figure it’s better for her than fast food – right? Am I rationalizing?

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