Did you hear about the Ochocinco porn cereal? I swear this story is true: Chad Ochocinco (a man who I devoutly hope gets traded and has to wear a number other than 85 someday) had a cereal. It was supposed to be benefiting a charity called Feed The Children. However, the toll-free number on the box does not feed children unless by “feed” you mean “pander to” and by “children” you mean “horny guys”. Yeah. It’s a phone sex number. Out. Stand. Ing. The cereal has been pulled from shelves but I thought that maybe there was a stray box or two at my local store and this seemed like a collector’s opportunity. After all, I’m the woman who has boxes of Flutie Flakes from both Buffalo and San Diego. Shut up. Doug Flutie is awesome. And the sales benefited his foundation for kids with autism. No mocking.
Sadly, there were no Ochocincos at my grocery store but there were some other real gems on the shelves.
First we have the WhoTF version of Wheaties with a man, who is probably a famous athelete but I can’t identify him on sight or read his autograph, peering ominously at you from the shelf. The glare he’s giving is similar to one I’d give before coffee but still not what I want to confront over the breakfast table.
If you need to be reminded of our own adulthood we have cereal that is high in fiber and also has Suze Orman on the box. I guess so you can be catapulted into a whirlwind of stress about you kids’ college fund before 8am. Panic and adrenaline are the new caffeine.
If you don’t feel like coming face to face with all your inadequacies as a financial planner or blowing out your colon before lunch with high fiber cereal you can have dessert. I know these are supposed to be breakfast food but really? Who are they fooling? Moreover, what parent in their right mind buys these for their kids? The sugar high from this stuff would send most kids into orbit.
Now, we all know candy is bad for kids first thing in the morning but cupcakes are different, right? Right? Also, what acid was the box designer dropping?
But those brand name cereals are sooooo pricey. You can save money and still send your kids into sugar orbit with store brand cereal! The save you money by employing marketing staff who never learned to spell.
Now, this last cereal got me kind of excited and also a little scared. I mean, what could possibly be the ingredients list for something called Science Experiments????
Well, joke’s on me. Those boxes were turned backwards. Instead of selling science, that cereal is really selling Gay Pride.
Do I even need to tell you that all I bought for breakfast this week is bacon?