Hi. Hows it going? What’s new? Have you given any thought to the list of things I came up with that you could do with your wildly inflated salary? No? Well, you should think about some of those. Oh. Wait. You may have to pay a divorce attorney soon. Riiiggghhhhttttt.
Aw, Brett I was kinda hoping you wouldn’t turn out to be a total douche. Granted the whole “I’m retired! No, I’m not!” dance you keep doing put you under suspicion of douche-itude but it was a mere annoyance, just some time taken up in a SportsCenter broadcast, not anything really reprehensible. Also, the Wrangler ads are stupid and you should have asked for better storyboards if you had any creative approval. I mean really, you, in jeans, tossing a football around? Come on. Even I know that a send-up of the old Brooke Shields Calvin Klein ads involving you balking at going commando would be funny as hell. Why couldn’t anyone else come up with that?
But all of that pales in comparison to this new little tidbit. You know what I’m talking about; you were hitting on a hottie in NY when you were on the Jets. A hottie who is not Mrs. Favre, I might ad. You sent her messages on MySpace, you left her voicemails that were almost as articulate as the voicemail left by the average 14-year-old asking a girl to the 8th grade formal, and then…then…Brett, I can’t believe I even have to type this…then you sent her pictures of your penis.
Brett, I’m going to let you in on a little secret: self-portraits of your junk are never going to end well. Even Tiger Woods coulda told you that.
The real point here is one I find myself asking over and over again: what makes you guys think you can have it both ways? You and Tiger, and Jesse James, and John Edwards, you all want the perfect wife at home and the mistress (or mistresses) on speed dial for dirty texting purposes. Who told you that was acceptable? Where did you read a headline declaring that “Cheating is the New Black”? What gave you the idea that you could screw around with real people, people with feelings, people who deserve better, and not get caught or face consequences? Because I’m betting your mother didn’t teach you that and I’m pretty sure your wife didn’t teach that to your kids.
The good news is that while you yanked all your biz-ness out of your pants and flashed it around, the woman you aimed it at did not invite you to make it at home in her pants. So, Jenn Sterger gets a great big Classy Broad award from me. Way to go Jenn for steering clear of the married superstar! But why did you save the pics? That’s right up there with Monica saving the dress. It’s creepy and smacks of the desire to cash in later.
Here’s the deal Brett, you can run off and chase young women but you need to get divorced first. You can’t be a single, skirt chaser and a married family man. Doesn’t work. It’s one or the other. If you had left your wife and started doggin’ all over town, I would have shrugged and said “Well, he’s single now. Hope he wears a condom!” But this? This is just such an insult to women everywhere. It says you don’t value promises to one woman and you think other women shouldn’t expect any better. It says you think women are for your entertainment. It says that you think your shit doesn’t stink. It says that you’re common scum.
I hope your wife calls up Elin and Elizabeth and Sandra for a confab on how to handle leaving a marriage to a douche-nozzle with class. And I hope you keep your camera out of your drawers. For all of our sake.