Letter to Brett Favre

Dear Brett,

Hi. Hows it going? What’s new? Have you given any thought to the list of things I came up with that you could do with your wildly inflated salary? No? Well, you should think about some of those. Oh. Wait. You may have to pay a divorce attorney soon. Riiiggghhhhttttt.

Aw, Brett I was kinda hoping you wouldn’t turn out to be a total douche. Granted the whole “I’m retired! No, I’m not!” dance you keep doing put you under suspicion of douche-itude but it was a mere annoyance, just some time taken up in a SportsCenter broadcast, not anything really reprehensible. Also, the Wrangler ads are stupid and you should have asked for better storyboards if you had any creative approval. I mean really, you, in jeans, tossing a football around? Come on. Even I know that a send-up of the old Brooke Shields Calvin Klein ads involving you balking at going commando would be funny as hell. Why couldn’t anyone else come up with that?

But all of that pales in comparison to this new little tidbit. You know what I’m talking about; you were hitting on a hottie in NY when you were on the Jets. A hottie who is not Mrs. Favre, I might ad. You sent her messages on MySpace, you left her voicemails that were almost as articulate as the voicemail left by the average 14-year-old asking a girl to the 8th grade formal, and then…then…Brett, I can’t believe I even have to type this…then you sent her pictures of your penis.

Brett, I’m going to let you in on a little secret: self-portraits of your junk are never going to end well. Even Tiger Woods coulda told you that.

The real point here is one I  find myself asking over and over again: what makes you guys think you can have it both ways?  You and Tiger, and Jesse James, and John Edwards, you all want the perfect wife at home and the mistress (or mistresses) on speed dial for dirty texting purposes. Who told you that was acceptable? Where did you read a headline declaring  that “Cheating is the New Black”? What gave you the idea that you could screw around with real people, people with feelings, people who deserve better, and not get caught or face consequences? Because I’m betting your mother didn’t teach you that and I’m pretty sure your wife didn’t teach that to your kids.

The good news is that while you yanked all your biz-ness out of your pants and flashed it around, the woman you aimed it at did not invite you to make it at home in her pants. So, Jenn Sterger gets a great big Classy Broad award from me.  Way to go Jenn for steering clear of the married superstar! But why did you save the pics? That’s right up there with Monica saving the dress. It’s creepy and smacks of the desire to cash in later.

Here’s the deal Brett, you can run off and chase young women but you need to get divorced first. You can’t be a single, skirt chaser and a married family man. Doesn’t work. It’s one or the other. If you had left your wife and started doggin’ all over town, I would have shrugged and said “Well, he’s single now. Hope he wears a condom!” But this? This is just such an insult to women everywhere. It says you don’t value promises to one woman and you think other women shouldn’t expect any better. It says you think women are for your entertainment. It says that you think your shit doesn’t stink. It says that you’re common scum.

I hope your wife calls up Elin and Elizabeth and Sandra for a confab on how to handle leaving a marriage to a douche-nozzle with class. And I hope you keep your camera out of your drawers. For all of our sake.



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10 comments for “Letter to Brett Favre

  1. October 11, 2010 at 8:46 am

    You know what else is weird? Thinking that women are turned on by cell phone pictures of his junk. What a douche.

  2. October 11, 2010 at 11:35 am

    Is it just me or am I the only woman who could care less about seeing a d*ck in pictures? I think it’s more about them wanting to SHOW it then it is about women wanting SEE it.

    Great post! (I would love it if he read it!)

  3. October 11, 2010 at 11:35 am

    So. Funny. He is sort of douchtastic… but I’m still curious as to whether or not he would meet expectations…

  4. October 11, 2010 at 11:52 am

    Oh. My. Christ. 1st? Favre is a stalking douche. 2nd… I am SO disappointed… :-/ One would imagine Brett freakin Favre would have something to write home about…

  5. October 11, 2010 at 12:30 pm

    You know, Brett, if you’d just STAYED RETIRED none of this would have happened. Not saying it was right, just saying no one would have cared, you wouldn’t be made a public mockery of, and your wife would have a shred of dignity left.

    How do you feel about your “I’m retired. No I’m not!” games now, Mr. Pen15?

    Signed, A Concerned Vikings Fan who thinks that the Vikings don’t deserve your pen15 antics.

    PS – Rumor has it you don’t stack up to fellow Viking Visanthe Shiancoe. (Go ahead, look up his wikipedia page)

  6. October 11, 2010 at 2:55 pm

    I believe you should actually send this letter – it is perfect! Well done.

    And I’m with your other readers: is that something any woman wants to see in her email? Probably not. [So many inbox jokes here… but I will refrain.]

  7. October 11, 2010 at 3:39 pm

    I am so disgusted. And I have to put up with him on my football team.


    And another thing…”junk” is not pretty. ick.

  8. October 11, 2010 at 4:08 pm

    Brilliant! I love it, and agree with every word!

  9. October 11, 2010 at 4:40 pm

    And also? Why was he thinking that pics of his junk while wearing nothing but Crocs would set her into a sexual frenzy? What a loser.

  10. LAB
    November 8, 2010 at 9:11 am

    Favre has always been a scumbag with women. Keep in mind, he got his high school sweetheart pregnant, then walked away, leaving Deanna to raise their daughter alone. Although Favre eventually did marry Deanna, rumor has it he cheated on her constantly. So the fact that he went on to screw over his loyal Packer fans so deliberately and viciously should have been no surprise. He’s a selfish guy. A great quarterback for sure, and the people of Green Bay gave him their hearts and souls. He could have been “Mr. Packer” for the rest of his life, beloved, worshipped, swimming in money and adoration. But it was more important for him to get some kind of juvenile revenge on the Packers’ front office for accepting his tearful press-conference-announced (2nd? 3rd? 4th?) retirement. Selfish b*stard that he is, he wanted them to drop everything at his every whim (which they had already been doing for several years). He got angry when they stopped letting him manipulate the organization and the fans. He’s a selfish jerk, unfortunately.

    For the record, he is NOT wearing Crocs in those pictures.

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