A Letter to Hollywood

Dear Hollywood:

Why are you so boring?

Listen, Hollywood, you’re killing me. I’m a mom blogger. A working mom blogger, at that. My life is not interesting. Sure, I have my moments when I stagger onto the metro, weighted down by my toddler and a couple of bags only to watch a slutty-looking teen-ager grab the only empty row of seats in sight, tell her it would have been nice if she’d let me have that seat then I lose my cool after she flips her hair at me and tell her that her mother would be ashamed of her behavior. But most days, I got to work, go home, put my son to bed, and read Sookie Stackhouse books until I fall asleep. This is not blog fodder, Hollywood. This is the opening scene of a Lifetime movie, right before the heroine has an affair with her high school boyfriend, or discovers her kid is on steroids, or learns the ugly way that her boss is in hock to the mob. And since I don’t want to live like the juicy bits of a Lifetime movie, I count on you, Hollywood. You give me depth. You give me a platform. You give me dirt.

But lately, you’re failing me. The headlines bouncing off the Left Coast are so…ho-hum. Lindsay Lohan is headed back to jail for failing a drug test? Yeah. Saw that one coming. Paris Hilton was arrested for possession? There’s no “I Care Abut That” factor there. The Hoff is on Dancing with the Stars? Oh. Gross.

Step up the action, Hollywood! I need another action star to reveal himself to be a raging bigot with an over-the-limit blood-alcohol level like Mel Gibson! Or a B-list spouse needs to cheat on his beloved A-list wife like Jesse James and Sandra Bullock! And don’t offer me insipid headlines about Ashton and Demi and try to make me believe Ashton is a big cheater. Demi is a badass. She has his balls locked in a safe under her desk. He wouldn’t dare cheat.

Each week I go to the grocery sore and scan the tabloid covers in vain. They’ve been featuring the cast of Teen Mom! Hollywood! Teen Mom? You’re giving us so little that tabloids are forced to further exploit young women who NEVER should have been put on tv for fear of giving other teens the idea that being moms is a one-way ticket to tv stardom? Oh, and is that Kate Gosselin in a bikini on a magazine cover? Really? Does anyone care about her anymore? Or is she using a bikini shot on the cover of People as a substitute for taking out an ad on match.com?

The worst of it, Hollywood, is on E!. Yeah, E!, the place where celebrities go to expose their private lives when VH1 won’t give them a show. The latest why-are-they-famous offering there is The Spin Crowd which details the exploits of the PR firm that represents such luminaries as Kim Kardashian, who is the executive producer. I love me some Kardashians so I watched an episode and a half and then it was too much even for me. This show is the bottom of the workplace-based reality genre barrel. And to use the word “reality” is a total misnomer, unless you mean that the people featured aren’t cyborgs. Every minute of the show appears to be scripted, every line delivered woodenly by an array of over-styled sycophants who truly believe that making famous people seem more famous is important work.

It’s bad, Hollywood. Bad. And even I can’t get a whole post out of that crap.

I need to you hook me up, Hollywood. An ill-conceived marriage needs to crash and burn spectacularly (and not with allegations of domestic violence like those poor Raising Sextuplets people. That’s not ever funny.). Or a director needs to lose it on set and call his cast a pack of douche-nozzles while TMZ watches. Or maybe Perez Hilton can ask another beauty queen a question that will cause her to insult 10% of the human population. Something like that, something spawns letters to celebrities for my blog.

In short, Hollywood: Entertain me. And let me entertain my readers.

Sincerely,

Mom-in-a-Million