Memo To Dina Lohan

Memorandum

From: Mother Resources Department, Mom-hood Inc.

To: Dina Lohan

Date: August 16, 2010

Re: Job Performance

Mrs. Lohan:

It has come to our attention that your performance as a Mom has not been reaching expected levels of competence. While we appreciate that you are a single mother of four with an ex-husband who has been troublesome during the brief periods that he has not been serving time, we think that you have had ample time and resources to overcome those obstacles and do what’s best for your kids. However, it does not appear that you have been focused on the best interests of at least two of your children. We take issue with a number of actions including:

• Your daughter Lindsay began modeling at the age of 3.  This is well below the legal working age and significantly below the age at which a child can make decisions about entering the professional world. Therefore we can only assume that the decision to put your child in front of cameras was your alone and you did it out of either a desire to make money or a projection of your own desire for fame.
• Your daughter Lindsay was working as an actress on a soap opera by the age of 10.  Again, this is too young for a child to be working and, while she was old enough to legitimately ask to try acting, a soap opera set, with adult plotlines and adult performers, is not an appropriate environment for a young child. If Lindsay was demonstrating an interest in acting, there are numerous options for child-appropriate activities that teach acting skills and offer low-pressure, fun ways to perform. Because you by-passed those in favor of pursuing professional opportunities for a 10 year old, we, once again, can only assume that you were doing for reasons other than your child’s happiness and personal growth.
• Your daughter Lindsay was starring in a Disney movie by the age of 11. See above for concerns.
• You acted as your daughter Lindsay’s manager. We take this to mean you took a percentage cut of her earnings and, thereby, personally profited from her work. While we have been advised by counsel not to compare parents who take a cut of their children’s wages to pimps, we have silently thought it about you.
• You allowed your daughter Lindsay to move to LA, unaccompanied, at the age of 19. It is unclear if there were restrictions on her financial resources in place that would have provided some natural limits on her ability to engage in teen-age hedonism, but her behavior in LA seems to indicate that she did not have said limits. During this time she began abusing various substances and getting behind the wheel of cars while under the influence. You were often photographed with her in nightclubs. It is our hope that you were there to play designated driver but there is no evidence of that.
• As you daughter Lindsay struggled with substance issues, legal problem based on substance abuse, and a career that was being undermined by her substance abuse issues, your began pimping promoting your younger daughter Ali as a professional singer.  Ali, like Lindsay before her, had been forced to model starting at age 3 and was only 13 when her first album was released. She was seen promoting in wearing skanktastic inappropriate clothing with you by her side.
• You deliberately filmed a reality show with your daughter Ali who was only 15 years old at the time, despite having seen up close the detrimental effects of paparzzi-style fame on your older daughter.
• You recently told Matt Laure on the Today show that the fact that Lindsay does drugs and gets in trouble with the law is a result of her own personal choices and not a result of anything you did or didn’t do as a mother. We can only assume that your memory is shot and that you have completely forgotten that, before she could even read to sigh a contract, you were thrusting your child in front of cameras and spent her entire childhood in pursuit of fame, notoriety, and personal profit. You apparently took no steps to ensure her mental health even as you allowed her to live out her adolescence and coming of age in Hollywood and now you take no responsibility for the psychic pain and turmoil Lindsay has faced as a professional actor even though you were the one who decided that she should be a professional actor long before she could make such decisions for herself.
  
• You appear to have been dipped in a vat of carrot juice. This is not a parenting decision per se, but we think it demonstrates damaged judgment skills on your part.

Taking all of the above points into consideration and factoring in that it appears you like to lie about being a Rockette in you past, we have concluded that we can no long allow you to retain the title of Mom.  You have treated your children as profit centers and vehicles for your own advancement and this falls into the category of Unforgivable Parental Mistakes. You should turn in your Mom card and back away from your children’s bank accounts and/or trust funds before we have to call security on your selfish, orange ass.

We will find other mothers who are willing to look after your children and care for them in a way that reflects concern for them as individuals and respects their personal needs. They will find their lives to be far less glamorous but they will learn that life doesn’t have to be paved with red carpets to be valuable. More importantly, they will be able to find love merely by looking at the mother-figure beside them rather than needing to run from camera to camera, man to man, woman to woman, and substance to substance, to find acceptance, affection, comfort, and security.

The day you can provide those things without wanting your 10%, we will reconsider letting you call yourself a Mom.

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For more on Dina Lohan, visit Dial M for Minky (moo) and stark. raving. mad. mommy