Fashion Round-up…and Slaughter

It’s summer and everyone is dressing as cute as can be! Struttin’ their stuff down the street, working the latest trends, turning heads.  Turning my head. Giving me freaking whiplash because I’m trying to get a better look at the horrors of fashion that are wandering around the streets of my city like so many living eyesores. There are days when I feel like I live among the Glamour magazine Don’t people.

Let me give it to you straight: trendy does not equal cute-on-you. In fact, anything that trendy probably doesn’t look cute on anyone. Let’s go over a few recent trends that you should avoid at all costs, shall we?

Rompers: I dressed my son in rompers when he was 6 months old and they were cuuuuuttttteeee.  By the following summer when he was 18 months old, he was too old for them.  You hear that? He. Was. Too Old.  That means you’re also too old.  And probably too fat. No, I’m not calling you fat.  I’m just saying you’re too fat for a romper, particularly one in a tiny Laura-Ashley-esque floral print with a lot of purple going on. Yes, I know some people think they’re a fun, kicky alternative to sundresses but they aren’t.  They say to anyone looking at you “I am trying too hard to look fun and kicky.” Also, how do you pee in those things? You know what?  Never mind. I don’t want to think about it.

Fedoras: Not just for hipsters anymore! They’re everywhere in all kinds of colors, patterns and fabrics. They’re available at Target, Urban Outfitters, and souveneir carts at train stations. They have jumped the shark. Unless you’re Frank Sinatra, just don’t do it

The 80’s: Remember that dress you wore to your senior banquet in 1988 that had a bold floral print on a white background, a v-neck in the front and back, shoulder pads, and was made out of a stiff poplin? If you walk into a store and see that dress magically reborn right now in 2010, walk away. Because you are not 17 and this dress will not make you look 17.

Skinny jeans: Oh, the name of these jeans is so misleading.  They really sound like they’re the jeans that will make you skinny.  And the way the squeeze and squoosh it kind of feels like it might be working, like they’re denim Spanx. But no.  No. They just rearranged your body so that everything is smushed upwards and you now have the muffin top to end all muffins tops and your legs look…well, let’s put it this way.  You don’t look like you have full circulation in the lower half of you body. And you don’t look skinny. Also? Wearing pants that tight?  Puts you at risk for camel toe. You don’t want to be that person. Trust me. So back away from the skinny jeans and go find a nice comfy sundress.

Gladiator shoes: OK, these are hot.  Unless your ankle fat is bulging over the top of the ankle strap.  In that case, they’re unflattering.

Visible Bra Straps: When did it become acceptable to have your bra straps visible under you spaghetti strap top?  Seriously, we don’t want to know what your support garments of choice look like.  We really don’t.  If your knockers look amazing under a slinky little top, we will find a way to ask what kind of bra you use to achieve that effect.  You don’t need to show it to us right off the bat.  Spaghetti straps, strapless dresses, cami tops, these are all the reasons they make strapless bras.  Invest in one. Please.

Spandex: Spandex, my friends, is a privilege, not a right. It is also not pants.  I don’t care how skinny or muscular your legs are, leggings are not pants.  A long t-shirt over leggings is not appropriate outside a gym unless you’re using them as pajamas.  Don’t tell me Nicole Richie looks adorable in leggings.  You’re not Nicole Richie and you’re wrong about her looking adorable.  She looks weird and always has.

Short-shorts: Have you ever heard the phrase “underbutt”? No?  One of my Facebook fans and I invented it yesterday.  It’s going to sweep the nation.  It perfectly describes the butt-cheek-peek that happens under a pair of super short shorts. If I can see any part of your underbutt, your shorts are too short.  And if I can see the top of your thong at the waist of your underbutt-showing shorts?  I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that you probably just bought the wrong size because no one could possibly want to look like a reject from Playboy’s Farm Girls Gone Wild shoot on purpose.  Return them for something bigger.

Man-pris: I have never seen man-pris in the wild and hope I never do until men start shaving their ankles.

As with anything on this blog, you are free to disregard everything I say here.  But just know that if you’re walking around with leggings with camel-toe, and too-tight gladiator sandals, well. I’m going to talk about you on Twitter.