Fashion Round-up…and Slaughter


It’s summer and everyone is dressing as cute as can be! Struttin’ their stuff down the street, working the latest trends, turning heads.  Turning my head. Giving me freaking whiplash because I’m trying to get a better look at the horrors of fashion that are wandering around the streets of my city like so many living eyesores. There are days when I feel like I live among the Glamour magazine Don’t people.

Let me give it to you straight: trendy does not equal cute-on-you. In fact, anything that trendy probably doesn’t look cute on anyone. Let’s go over a few recent trends that you should avoid at all costs, shall we?

Rompers: I dressed my son in rompers when he was 6 months old and they were cuuuuuttttteeee.  By the following summer when he was 18 months old, he was too old for them.  You hear that? He. Was. Too Old.  That means you’re also too old.  And probably too fat. No, I’m not calling you fat.  I’m just saying you’re too fat for a romper, particularly one in a tiny Laura-Ashley-esque floral print with a lot of purple going on. Yes, I know some people think they’re a fun, kicky alternative to sundresses but they aren’t.  They say to anyone looking at you “I am trying too hard to look fun and kicky.” Also, how do you pee in those things? You know what?  Never mind. I don’t want to think about it.

Fedoras: Not just for hipsters anymore! They’re everywhere in all kinds of colors, patterns and fabrics. They’re available at Target, Urban Outfitters, and souveneir carts at train stations. They have jumped the shark. Unless you’re Frank Sinatra, just don’t do it

The 80’s: Remember that dress you wore to your senior banquet in 1988 that had a bold floral print on a white background, a v-neck in the front and back, shoulder pads, and was made out of a stiff poplin? If you walk into a store and see that dress magically reborn right now in 2010, walk away. Because you are not 17 and this dress will not make you look 17.

Skinny jeans: Oh, the name of these jeans is so misleading.  They really sound like they’re the jeans that will make you skinny.  And the way the squeeze and squoosh it kind of feels like it might be working, like they’re denim Spanx. But no.  No. They just rearranged your body so that everything is smushed upwards and you now have the muffin top to end all muffins tops and your legs look…well, let’s put it this way.  You don’t look like you have full circulation in the lower half of you body. And you don’t look skinny. Also? Wearing pants that tight?  Puts you at risk for camel toe. You don’t want to be that person. Trust me. So back away from the skinny jeans and go find a nice comfy sundress.

Gladiator shoes: OK, these are hot.  Unless your ankle fat is bulging over the top of the ankle strap.  In that case, they’re unflattering.

Visible Bra Straps: When did it become acceptable to have your bra straps visible under you spaghetti strap top?  Seriously, we don’t want to know what your support garments of choice look like.  We really don’t.  If your knockers look amazing under a slinky little top, we will find a way to ask what kind of bra you use to achieve that effect.  You don’t need to show it to us right off the bat.  Spaghetti straps, strapless dresses, cami tops, these are all the reasons they make strapless bras.  Invest in one. Please.

Spandex: Spandex, my friends, is a privilege, not a right. It is also not pants.  I don’t care how skinny or muscular your legs are, leggings are not pants.  A long t-shirt over leggings is not appropriate outside a gym unless you’re using them as pajamas.  Don’t tell me Nicole Richie looks adorable in leggings.  You’re not Nicole Richie and you’re wrong about her looking adorable.  She looks weird and always has.

Short-shorts: Have you ever heard the phrase “underbutt”? No?  One of my Facebook fans and I invented it yesterday.  It’s going to sweep the nation.  It perfectly describes the butt-cheek-peek that happens under a pair of super short shorts. If I can see any part of your underbutt, your shorts are too short.  And if I can see the top of your thong at the waist of your underbutt-showing shorts?  I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that you probably just bought the wrong size because no one could possibly want to look like a reject from Playboy’s Farm Girls Gone Wild shoot on purpose.  Return them for something bigger.

Man-pris: I have never seen man-pris in the wild and hope I never do until men start shaving their ankles.

As with anything on this blog, you are free to disregard everything I say here.  But just know that if you’re walking around with leggings with camel-toe, and too-tight gladiator sandals, well. I’m going to talk about you on Twitter.

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11 comments for “Fashion Round-up…and Slaughter

  1. July 13, 2010 at 8:19 am

    Underbutt. Snigger. The thing about the short shorts is they make even the fittest and youngest of women look horrid specifically because of the underbutt.

  2. July 13, 2010 at 8:54 am

    I have seen the mythical manpris. They are often spotted paired with a hoodie (hood-up) in 98 degree weather because the wearer is so awesomely cool, he’s chilled by the sun. I believe manpris are actually baggy shorts that are so baggy and ridiculously overly-long, they become manpris. It makes the wearer look like a very tall man who’s kneeling. I’m hoping the overly-long shorts trend will become so extreme, the manpris will morph into actual *pants*.

  3. July 13, 2010 at 8:59 am

    Ugh. I agree with … most of these. The bra strap I technically agree with but also have to say that when you are a … larger woman up top, there is no such thing as a strapless bra. It’s true. Trust me. So my options are to either wear no cute cami things or to have the occasional strap peepage. In my defense, though, I usually have a cardigan on over the cami at work… but sometimes it gets hot.

    I’m a fashion faux pas. I kinda always knew I was. 🙂

  4. KLZ
    July 13, 2010 at 9:11 am

    I’m with Law Momma on the bra straps thing. But let’s face it, I’m kind of a train wreck in the clothes department anyway.

    I’ve seen the man-pris. They do not work on anyone. Don’t let the idea that being in Boys Town means that eventually you’ll see SOMEONE who can work them. You won’t. They’re awful.

    As is underbutt. And underboob. I am still mad about the magazine cover that showed me Paris Hilton’s underboob. Thanks, but actually I rescind my thanks.

  5. July 13, 2010 at 9:55 am

    I’m so guilty of the bra thing, but I breastfed 4 kids and going braless is not an option, and strapless bras end up around my waist in about 3 seconds. Plus, really? I do don’t care if someone’s bra is hanging out. I’d rather see bra straps than exposed flabby bellies or underbutt anyday.

  6. July 13, 2010 at 9:59 am

    Amen!

    People forget that the size negative 4 model that wore the romper/spandex/short shorts does have a fingernail’s tip worth of fat in her body. If you have ever eaten a cheeseburger and fries you can not wear it.

  7. July 13, 2010 at 10:24 am

    Agree 1000%

  8. JS
    July 13, 2010 at 11:50 am

    Let’s not forget men wearing oversized denim shorts…

  9. July 13, 2010 at 12:07 pm

    The short-shorts thing? Is annoying on anyone. I don’t think anyone needs to have their ass hanging out of their shorts. But I’m old & stuffy that way. Besides, I grew up in Arizona and thought those shorts were both stupid & hazardous. Shorts like that lead to 3-degree ass burns….

  10. July 14, 2010 at 12:55 pm

    Nail 99% hit on the head.

    Visible bra straps have been a repeated sin of DC summer living for years now. And it’s so easy to fix. In addition to strapless bras (which can be tricky for the very well endowed as well as the very not endowed), there are T-strap bras and clear strap bras.

    But I have to take issue with the fedora statement. I love love love my little straw Target hat. (See? http://closet-coach.com/2010/05/12/freshen-your-spring-wardrobe-with-a-hat/) The trick is to find a hat style that works for your face shape; a fedora isn’t always it.

    At least Crocs have died …

  11. July 15, 2010 at 2:41 pm

    underbutt. that’s what I am taking away from this post. underbutt. how was that not in my lexicon before thisverysecond. underbutt.

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