Letter to Miley Cyrus

Dear Miley,

Let’s get right to the point. You. Are. Not. All. That.

Am I being clear? Good.  Because let’s get real, kiddo, you’re a 17 year-old girl of moderate talent who got picked up by Disney because you’re related to a famous guy who was willing to be on a  sitcom with you and because you, like Hillary Duff before you, are pretty enough not to crack a camera lens but not so pretty that regular girls find you unrelatable.  You can carry a tune, but you know what?  So can I. It’s not that unusual a skill.

But zillions of young girls swooned over you struggles to be a *wink wink* normal teen-ager while balancing *wink wink* pop superstar-dom. And you maintained two separate indentities through the wily ruse of putting on a wig in a phone booth on the corner whenever a report came into the Daily Planet that a pop star was needed to save the world. Oh, wait.  I’m mixing you up with Superman. Never mind.

But now you’re breaking free of Disney by tossing aside the wig, and your pants, and writhing around in videos, starring in movie versions of Nicholas Sparks books, and bitching about every damn thing. Let’s make a little list of things you’ve recently said you don’t like:

  • Twitter
  • Musicals
  • Glee
  • Vampires
  • Country music
  • Pop music, including your current hit single “Party In the USA”

Are you stupid?  Telling your fans that you dislike a song they love and making them feel bad that they like the song? Kid, that’s tackier than your hot pants. And, make no mistake, your hot pants are tacky.  I know you think you’re all grown up and wearing hot pants is cool but it’s not.  Just ask the cast of Three’s Company.

Then there was that whole pole dancing thing.  Yeah, the pole was on top of an ice-cream vendor’s cart and it was supposed to be cute but Britney in a Catholic school girls’ outfit was supposed to be cute too and it wasn’t. It was gross. The fact that your dad sat there smiling and clapping while you humped a pole was…disturbing.  Your dad needs to listen to Chris Rock who once said that the first job of any father of a girl is to keep her off the pole.

I read that you said you’re proud of your body because you work hard for it and I peed a little laughing.  You are 17. This is likely the easiest time you will ever have maintaining your body.  Come talk to me in 20 years and we can discuss hard work related to your ass then.  (But if you show up anywhere near me in those hot pants, rest assured, I will give you a wedgie.)

Listen, Miley, the disaffected teen-ager thing isn’t gonna play so just can it, ok?  You’re rich as all git out, you only have to work as hard as you want to for the rest of your life, you get away with all kind of shit most teen-agers only dream of, and you were on a Disney show.  Complaining and showing your butt is unseemly. I’m sorry I had to be the one to tell you all that but someone had to and your parents just grin about it all.

Put on some real pants, Miley.  Then go off camera someplace and grow up. You’ll be happy you did.



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18 comments for “Letter to Miley Cyrus

  1. June 23, 2010 at 9:45 am

    I for one liked Miley, I thought she would be the one teen pop star that didnt turn into a flooze but I dont guess thats gonna turn out. I dont understand why, she has such a huge fan base there was no reason for her to get half naked! Ugh! Britney Spears part 2… here we come!

  2. June 23, 2010 at 9:50 am

    She should go to college, study abroad and be a normal teenage girl. That’s right, girl, not woman. The fact that her parents think her current act is a-okay disturbs me. If my daughter ever did anything near that I would lock her in her room until age 50. No joke.

  3. Kathy
    June 23, 2010 at 9:51 am

    Couldn’t have said it better myself…great post!

  4. June 23, 2010 at 10:14 am

    I think we should take bets on how long it takes before she’s shaving all of her hair off. By recent pictures that surfaced of her performing she is already a fan of showing too much *down there*. Even Britney was still wearing underwear at 17.

  5. June 23, 2010 at 11:52 am

    Well, she’s been taking skanky pictures of herself since she was like 13 or 14, the whole “oops, my crotch is showing” thing is not terribly surprising. I agree with you completely. I think she & her parents are just ridiculous, honestly.

  6. June 23, 2010 at 12:00 pm

    Lmao! You got me to spit out my coffee with the Chris Rock referece! Maybe she was telling the ice cream truck driver how to diversify his portfolio??? Great job momma!

  7. KLZ
    June 23, 2010 at 12:00 pm

    Teenagers are ridiculous in general but rich teenagers on TV? Complete f-ing morons.

    Get a job kid.

  8. June 23, 2010 at 1:32 pm

    Hahahaha. I also liked the part about Chris Rock. I know I am living in La La land over here, but I really wish these girls would just stay true to who they are and not feel like they have to prove themselves by turning all skanky.

    You know who I really like (so far anyway) Selena Gomez, I really hope she stays a good girl……all that being said I am still going to watch Hanna Montana though, I have young kids and that stupid show is addicting.

  9. June 23, 2010 at 2:39 pm

    She annoys me. I want to ground her, scrub all the make up off her face and make her put on sensible clothes. You know… like a good parent would.

  10. CDG
    June 23, 2010 at 5:49 pm

    You know who needs a stern talking to? Billy Ray.

    Parent, man! Parent.

  11. June 23, 2010 at 9:00 pm

    I saw an interview with her the other day and thought, “my God, superstardom does weird things to kids.” She spent the entire interview talking about her new album and how it showcases how she’s grown as a person and I’m just sitting there thinking, “Wait, wow! You really think that anyone (a) cares about that and (b) believe you wrote more than a line or two for any of these ditties?”

    Bless her little heart.

  12. June 24, 2010 at 11:32 pm

    Oh, God. That Chris Rock line is one of his best ever. I need to go rewatch that bit right now.

    I have never liked Miley Cyrus. This may be because she is a kadrillion years younger than me and also that many times wealthier. And now I dislike her even more for shunning “Glee,” a show that could teach her a bit about carrying a tune. BADMOUTH GLEE AND FACE MY WRATH.

  13. June 25, 2010 at 2:47 pm

    That is one of my favorite Chris Rock bits over.

    You probably also agree that the whole thing with Adam Shankman was not overblown, it was a then 16-year-old girl freaking a middle-aged man. I could care less if he is gay, it wasn’t right at all!

  14. June 25, 2010 at 4:05 pm

    I wish she would actually read this…

  15. June 25, 2010 at 6:09 pm

    I actually liked Miley when she first came out. Because she gave me something in common with my kid and my niece. We watched her and she was cute and her show was cute and her music wasn’t as awful as some of what they listen to now.

    Now I’m sad because I have to block her in my son’s search engine. He can’t wait for the last season of her show and he wants to go read about it but I have her blocked because I’m afraid he’ll stumble on her latest stage outfit. NO.FREAKING.WAY.

    Any chance he had of seeing her in concert went out the window too. I hope she’s proud of who she’s become. I hope her parents are proud of what they’ve created because I for one am disgusted to see another of my son’s idols turn in to a rabid skank.

    Thank God it hasn’t happened to the Jonas Brothers yet!!

  16. ashleigh c
    May 30, 2011 at 9:30 pm

    i really for one dislike her.. What has she become?? she use to be a wonderful person and now shes nothing but a skank.. Its like superstar turns them into something there truly not and doesnt stay true to who they really are.. they need to take a reality check.. BIG TIME. and the parents need to step into check. and look what there daughter has become..

  17. July 30, 2012 at 3:30 pm

    je krava a ja ju neznasam. fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuj

  18. July 30, 2012 at 3:31 pm

    its very very stupid. its no good woman

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