Let’s get right to the point. You. Are. Not. All. That.
Am I being clear? Good. Because let’s get real, kiddo, you’re a 17 year-old girl of moderate talent who got picked up by Disney because you’re related to a famous guy who was willing to be on a sitcom with you and because you, like Hillary Duff before you, are pretty enough not to crack a camera lens but not so pretty that regular girls find you unrelatable. You can carry a tune, but you know what? So can I. It’s not that unusual a skill.
But zillions of young girls swooned over you struggles to be a *wink wink* normal teen-ager while balancing *wink wink* pop superstar-dom. And you maintained two separate indentities through the wily ruse of putting on a wig in a phone booth on the corner whenever a report came into the Daily Planet that a pop star was needed to save the world. Oh, wait. I’m mixing you up with Superman. Never mind.
But now you’re breaking free of Disney by tossing aside the wig, and your pants, and writhing around in videos, starring in movie versions of Nicholas Sparks books, and bitching about every damn thing. Let’s make a little list of things you’ve recently said you don’t like:
- Country music
- Pop music, including your current hit single “Party In the USA”
Are you stupid? Telling your fans that you dislike a song they love and making them feel bad that they like the song? Kid, that’s tackier than your hot pants. And, make no mistake, your hot pants are tacky. I know you think you’re all grown up and wearing hot pants is cool but it’s not. Just ask the cast of Three’s Company.
Then there was that whole pole dancing thing. Yeah, the pole was on top of an ice-cream vendor’s cart and it was supposed to be cute but Britney in a Catholic school girls’ outfit was supposed to be cute too and it wasn’t. It was gross. The fact that your dad sat there smiling and clapping while you humped a pole was…disturbing. Your dad needs to listen to Chris Rock who once said that the first job of any father of a girl is to keep her off the pole.
I read that you said you’re proud of your body because you work hard for it and I peed a little laughing. You are 17. This is likely the easiest time you will ever have maintaining your body. Come talk to me in 20 years and we can discuss hard work related to your ass then. (But if you show up anywhere near me in those hot pants, rest assured, I will give you a wedgie.)
Listen, Miley, the disaffected teen-ager thing isn’t gonna play so just can it, ok? You’re rich as all git out, you only have to work as hard as you want to for the rest of your life, you get away with all kind of shit most teen-agers only dream of, and you were on a Disney show. Complaining and showing your butt is unseemly. I’m sorry I had to be the one to tell you all that but someone had to and your parents just grin about it all.
Put on some real pants, Miley. Then go off camera someplace and grow up. You’ll be happy you did.