Letter to Kate Gosselin

Many thanks to Twitter Pal @FamilySizedFun for tipping me off to the recent alterations to Kate Gosselin’s face and inspiring this post.

Dear Kate,

Can I call you Kate?  How about Katie.  Or Kath. Or Miss Kitty.  I want to call you Miss Kitty so I’m going with that.

Don’t get too excited that I’m writing to you, here, Miss Kitty. This letter should not be taken as evidence of a slavish adherence to news of your comings and goings or even a mild enough interest in any of your tv appearances to turn them on.  I’ve never seen you on tv.  Not once.  Not your show about your family, not you dancing in sequins, not an interview you’ve given.  Nothing.  Nada,  Nichts.

See, I don’t think you’re very interesting.  Sure, there’s a sort of side-show appeal of gawping at a woman who shot 6 kids out like a carnival attraction but that’s not enough to make me want to invite your horde into my living room week after week.  My whole feeling is that I didn’t bring those 8 kids into the world, it is not my responsibility to do anything to help support them. So, I’m not watching.  I’m not letting the advertisers that make you rich rope me in (well, maybe I am, but not during your show). You had 8 kids.  On purpose.  In fact, you went to great lengths to get to 8 kids and embraced the reality of that.  The fact that you did it without the material means to support them is not my problem. Going on tv and, in essence, parading your kids in front of me to get me to reach into my pockets and shell out my money so you can reap a profit, doesn’t move me. I am a rock. You can’t have my money.

But even though I don’t watch you on the moving picture box in my living room I still get a whole lot of exposure to you, your hair extensions, and your douche-canoe ex-husband through the tabloids and pop-culture websites that are my required daily reading guilty pleasure. And one of those websites showed me this:

First of all, Miss Kitty, you should call Miley Cyrus and do some pants shopping together because this get-up, in addition to being unseemly for a woman of your age, is gonna show us things we don’t want to see if you get out of a car in front of a paparazzo. Second of all, put your boobs away. Third, your shoes are…kind of fabulous, actually. What size are they?  Can I borrow them? But you face, Miss Kitty!  Your face! WTF happened there?

Your eyebrows have migrated up into your extensions! But they left the eyeliner behind and now you look a little like Marylin Manson. Only blonde. And slutty. But not good slutty.  Trying-too-hard-cougar-slutty.  And you look shocked and appalled by something but that makes sense because I’d be shocked and appalled too, if I looked in the mirror and saw this.

Miss Kitty, you gotta chill out.  I know you think a media empire is the only way you can support those 8 kids you had on purpose without any real plans for how you were going to feed, clothe and shelter them, and I know Jon has vanished into the realms of baby-daddy and can’t be counted on to do things good fathers do but that is no excuse for doing that to your face.  Because, Miss Kitty, I hate to break it to you, but you look like a scary clown.

Here’s what I suggest, Miss Kitty.  Find the business card of the doctor who did that to you face and burn it. Then walk into your closet and start throwing everything in there that didn’t come from TJ Maxx into a large pile. Once you’ve got all the designer stuff together, find one of those places that’ll sell you stuff on eBay for you and unload it.  I’m sure there’s some drag queen out there who wants the outfit from this picture and will pay  a pretty penny for it.  Take that money and stick it in some 6 months CDs or maybe a nice safe money market fund.  Once you’ve gotten all that squared away, go renew your nursing license (you are a nurse right? Or is that someone else?  Never mind, we’ll pretend it’s you even if it isn’t).  Then go gt a job as a nurse.  Then turn the cameras off.  That’s it.  Done.  Your kids can go to public school, a lawyer make Jon can help pay for sitters while you’re on shift, and you can live a normal life.  No Prada. No Botox. No hair extensions that cost the equivalent a year’s mortgage on a moderate home in a  Midwestern city. Just a job, your kids, and taking personal responsibility for raising them and supporting them without dragging the whole world into it.

Because supporting them is your responsibility and no one else’s.



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22 comments for “Letter to Kate Gosselin

  1. June 28, 2010 at 7:23 am

    dear god. her face! She looked way better before… I can’t even tell it’s the same person.

  2. June 28, 2010 at 7:57 am

    Spot on!! This woman needs a serious reality check– it’s painful to think about what it must be like to be growing up in that family.

  3. June 28, 2010 at 8:37 am

    I always hated that show. I have enough crying kids in my house without bringing in her tribe. Listening to her whine makes me feel like tiny trolls are stabbing my spine.

  4. June 28, 2010 at 9:03 am

    I have sort of a love/hate obsession with her. As much as I would like for her to go away, she has provided so much blog fodder for me that I’m afraid I wouldn’t have anything to write about. And I agree, the shoes are kind of fab . . . but OMG THE OUTFIT. How embarrassing for her kids.

  5. KLZ
    June 28, 2010 at 9:22 am

    She does look like a scary clown!!

    Seriously I don’t get plastic surgery for no reason. Why don’t you want to look like you?

  6. June 28, 2010 at 9:55 am

    Oh, my! What DID she do????

    I hadn’t seen that.

    So tragic.

  7. June 28, 2010 at 10:01 am

    Ack! Bad idea on her part. Extensions were an improvement. Face? Too far. & no amount of plastic surgery will cover up the fact that she is an unholy b*tch…

    But I would take the shoes…ok, not the actual ones on her feet. That would be gross…but shoes just like that in my size that scary b*tch feet haven’t been in….

  8. thenextmartha
    June 28, 2010 at 12:17 pm

    Can she keep the shoes? I hate to see a woman lose her shoes. That face is wrong. Too bad. She was a pretty girl with hair gone wrong and now she’s just a freak fest.

  9. June 28, 2010 at 1:04 pm

    Have you seen this article? http://www.mnn.com/lifestyle/health-well-being/stories/botox-doesnt-just-paralyze-muscles-it-deadens-emotions-too
    It seems that our facial expressions are necessary to experience emotions. Maybe that’s how she deals with her sad life (by not feeling).

  10. June 28, 2010 at 1:25 pm

    You tell her!

    I love this. She wasn’t such a bad person before the “fame” and money got to her head. Now it’s sad. And as always, it’s the kids who suffer.

  11. liz
    June 28, 2010 at 2:20 pm

    Her new look makes her look like that much more of a b*tch!

  12. June 28, 2010 at 2:26 pm

    douche canoe! i love that!

    i actually liked her show until it became painfully evident that it was just a show. too much staged stuff and not enough reality.

    well, actually the reality of her making jon really look like a douche canoe was pretty entertaining. in a painful kind of way.

  13. June 28, 2010 at 4:38 pm

    I totally agree with this. She has never interested me and she continues this show for the money. Kind of sick really

  14. June 28, 2010 at 6:51 pm

    Holy moley! She DOES look like a scary clown! What the heck did she do to herself? What a shame!

    I got sucked in…in the beginning. But after the whole divorce happened and she began pretending she was an A-lister instead of a mother…I stopped.

    I agree wholeheartedly…get a job, get off TV and live your life with the children YOU wanted and YOU brought into this world. Now…YOU provide for them.

  15. June 28, 2010 at 8:37 pm

    Oh mah lawd! She did have some unfortunate hair, but she was always pretty and now she looks AWFUL. My husband couldn’t even tell me who it was when I showed him the picture.

    The shoes are ridiculously fabulous.. but seriously… is she shopping for trash cans in that get up? Dear God.

    I have to say I am thankful that she did all of this to give you the ammo for this hilarious blog post!

  16. June 28, 2010 at 10:08 pm

    Who she neeeeds to fire is her make up artist. Who I think is mostly responsible for the ugly happening on her face. Also the person that went shopping for her dropped off the bags for the client of theirs who is 20 years younger. What sort of woman her age wears halter tops, mini-skirts and heels to run some errands??!! Hookers her age. That’s who. I don’t think I even own a halter top. But those shoes are pretty fabulous!

  17. June 28, 2010 at 11:41 pm

    Holy crap. Her eyebrows should be illegal.

  18. June 29, 2010 at 10:25 am

    But but but…. no Prada?! What kind of monster are you?!?!

    Oh, Kate. Now that the kids are older they’re less cute, and therefore nowhere near as marketable as they used to be. Her days in the spotlight are (thankfully) numbered. Let’s just hope the damage that has already been done can be undone.

  19. June 29, 2010 at 7:30 pm


  20. CDG
    July 3, 2010 at 11:59 pm

    Well spoken! Like you, I’ve never wasted my time with her shows, magazine profiles, Oprah appearances, etc.. but she’s awfully hard to evade in the press these days. Ugh.

    Also, kind of a whorish she-beast in that photo, right? Eeew.

  21. July 7, 2010 at 12:18 pm

    UGH gross! I will say I saw one episode of Jon and Kate and she was a raging bitch on it. Then when flipping channels a few weeks ago I saw part of her Kate + 8 special and wow the difference. She’s totally humbled and the kids? Were so excited to have the crew back in their house. That was sad and sweet at the same time. Sad because they were so used to a TV show crew being in their house they became like family to them and they truly, really missed them. Sweet because it felt like the crew really loved them too. I think I saw about 10 minutes of it but I did really notice how much her divorce has changed her.

    I don’t necessarily hate the outfit. If I had the body to wear it I’d maybe consider it. Look at her legs! WHOLLY WOW! 8 kids later and those legs? But she could spend a little less on clothes, hair, apparent botox or whatever happened to her face, and then sell herself just a little less.

  22. May 27, 2011 at 12:17 pm

    She lives nearby to me. I saw her jogging the other day when I was on my way to Target. She was wearing makeup. I’m so glad the circus has calmed down so much although I do miss seeing the paparazzi camped out on my little, local back roads.

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