Beauty: Top Down

Has anybody seen my mojo? It flew the coop.

I’m gonna be brutally honest with you (and myself) right now.  I look rough. My hair looks rough, my skin looks rough, my body looks soft and squishy, and my feet…actually my feet look pretty good.  Pink nail polish and a little lotion on my heels before bed really works wonders. But the rest of me is in bad shape.

I’ve written about this before.  My appearance isn’t my top priority anymore. I have about 20 minutes to get ready each morning and I usually spend five of them doing a final edit of a blog post and getting it up on this site. Then my son usually breaks free from his captor (i.e. Daddy) and comes wandering into my room while I’m getting ready and peppers me with questions.  Or rather question, singular. “What are you doing? What are you doing? What are you doing?” and on and on until I stop doing anything just so he’ll stop asking.  Also, he always steals my big comb and I have to keep one eye on it so I’ll know where it is after he gets done with it because otherwise I’ll have a hell of a time combing my hair after my shower at night. Just sayin’.

So, the process of getting ready isn’t a long one or an indulgent one.  Plus, I’m kind of a moron when it comes to doing hair.  I do pretty well with make-up though I don’t take a lot of time to do it and I sure know how to pick clothes to disguise all the lumps and bumps and asymetries and my big fat ass. But what’s the use of make-up when the skins it’s going on has the tone and texture of a kitchen sponge? And who wants their clothes to be, first and foremost, camouflage for the US Strategic Reserve of Cellulite?

On top of all of that I have turned into a human garbage scow and I shovel all kinds of crap into my mouth on a daily basis. You think I’m joking? I bought a 12 pack of Che Boyardee stuff and Ive been eating it without shame at work for lunch. I’m not sure Chef Boyardee even really counts as food.  It’s more like a prototype of the food substitutes of the future, sort of like the freeze dried astronaut ice cream you can get at the gift shop of the Air and Space Museum. I’m also drinking too much soda, eating too much ice cream and and I ran out of calcium supplements and haven’t gotten around to getting more. If I am what I eat, I am artificially sweetened, carbo-loaded, riddled with high fructose corn syrup, and embody the dietary equivalent of brittle bone disease.

And exercise? I just had to look up how to spell exercise.

Ladies (and the very few gentlemen who are willing to wade through this much feminine whining), I need to go on a mojo hunt and fix this hot mess up.

Thus begins my new quest to look better, feel better about myself, and regain the good-health ground I’ve lost since giving over my energy to focusing on the health of a small child instead of myself. Watch this space over the next few weeks for my Beauty:Top Down antics.  Why top down? Because I’m going t kick this off with my hair.  I’ve already bought a flat iron and dug out my supply of styling products and I’m going to try and make my hair my Crowning Glory. Hopefully without burning myself to pieces with the flat iron. After I get my hair in hand, I’m going to get serious about skin care and punch up my make-up routine. It’ll be like being my very own Barbie styling head. After that I’ll keep on moving down the line. We’re talking self-tanner, nail maintenance, a Chef Boyardee-free diet to help shed these pounds and yeah, even some exercise.  And I will blog it all faithfully. Because nothing is funnier than the idea of me pulling my creaky old bones out of my bed at 6am to sneak in a 30 minute walk before starting my day, during which I will probably slip and fall on one of the many piles of goose shit on the sidewalk in my neighborhood. Because I’m classy like that.

And did I mention that everything I try will have to be really cheap? Because I’m really broke?

So stay tuned, friends.  It’s a drugstore beauty world here and I’m gonna try and make it my own.

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13 comments for “Beauty: Top Down

  1. June 15, 2010 at 9:10 am


    I just bought new make up on Saturday. And new shampoo and conditioner. And I totally feel like a new woman!! If you’re in the market for a foundation I am now obsessed with Photo Perfect by Revlon. It actually makes me look less… scary! My MIL swears by the Olay Moisturizer plus Foundation because it’s one step… but I always forget moisturizer, so my foundation is always one step.

    I digress. Let me know what you find and what I need! 🙂

  2. June 15, 2010 at 10:14 am

    So on this page.

    I just got my hair cut for my wedding…never mind that I got married in April. It is now June. And the hair cut was a good 3 weeks before the wedding, just in case the stylist messed up, I’d have some time to figure something out. Or by a bridal hat.

    Makeup? Pfff. I slather it on to cover the “pregnancy mask” that is supposed to go away. My son is 4. It’s still here.

    And so is the 45 pounds I didn’t have before I got pregnant.

    I keep telling people I used to be hot. I really was. I get the polite laugh & the “yeah, suuuure” eyes.

    Ah, well. My son is cool.

    But I miss feeling like a woman.

  3. thenextmartha
    June 15, 2010 at 10:33 am

    I love you. I just bought a bracelet (first ever) over the weekend and wore it out. For a minute I almost took it off because I felt too fancy to wear it to Chili’s. Please inspire me. I look forward to it. Maybe I can break away from my current hair “Bun Mode.”

  4. anthrogrrl
    June 15, 2010 at 11:00 am

    This is perfect timing for me, I just had my wedding hair and makeup trial last night. I looked pretty when all was said and done, but not exactly myself. That’s because I manage to put on powder, mascara, and colored lip gloss about twice a year, if I’m lucky (that’s about the most complex makeup application I can be trusted to manage without looking like a clown when it’s all over).

    My hair is essentially on it’s own: get it cut straight across the bottom at Supercuts or wherever’s cheapest about every 6-9 months, shampoo and condition, comb through while wet (easy with my extremely fine hair), apply “curl enhancing” mousse, and then let air dry and do whatever it wants for the rest of the day.

    As for skin, that’s in better shape because I am treating adult acne, and successfully, with 2 prescription pills and one cream, as well as baby lotion and creamy vaseline for moisturizers, and sunscreen when I know I’ll be outside. And I moisturize the rest of me when I get out of the shower, too. Feet get a PedEgg treatment every few weeks, and I try to keep my toenails trimmed. *grin*

    Clothes? Pfft. I do not have to dress up for work, although I have recently tried to graduate from old-t-shirt-and-jeans to nice-top-and-nice-jeans.

    So it will be good to hear about your journey! Be sure to do before, during, and after photos. We’re all rooting for you!

  5. June 15, 2010 at 12:21 pm

    Ugh. Broke and feeling like a hot mess? Yes I do…

    I did try the new Olay moisturizer with the tint to it and that is helping with a little Bare Minerals tinted mineral veil over it. (and it is faster than lotion & foundation…

    Cannot BEAT CoverGirl mascara – the old tried and true pink tube works wonders.

    I cannot manage much else. blah.

    Good luck!

  6. June 15, 2010 at 12:35 pm

    My goal this summer is to learn to how put self tanner on my back without dislocating my shoulders. I have my husband put it on for me, but I just know that he’d purposely leave spots untanned, because I’d totally do that to him if he asked me to put some on his back.

  7. June 15, 2010 at 1:34 pm

    This is awesome. I hope you start feeling like a million bucks (hey! mom in a million!) really soon…

    I also have a similar plan unfolding in my head… hopefully you’ll give me some ideas for how to do it on the cheap!

  8. June 15, 2010 at 3:03 pm

    “I am artificially sweetened, carbo-loaded, riddled with high fructose corn syrup, and embody the dietary equivalent of brittle bone disease.” LMAO! Love this post Rebekah! Good Luck with your transformation! Maybe you can come give me one when you are done with yourself!

  9. KLZ
    June 15, 2010 at 5:56 pm

    I think that being broke and unhealthy go hand in hand. At least you can make it seem funny.

  10. June 15, 2010 at 7:37 pm


    That’s my mantra these days. It is actually not fun but at least I am still doing it.

    I look forward to getting all voyeuristic on your journey.

  11. June 15, 2010 at 8:33 pm

    Amen, sister. God speed and may your path to beauty be goose shit-less. Looking forward to discovering good, cheap products from you!

  12. June 16, 2010 at 8:59 am

    Good luck!! Maybe you’ll inspire me!! I am a disaster all of the time and I just don’t care at all. It’s pathetic!!

  13. June 18, 2010 at 11:04 pm

    This is hilarious! I was seriously just laughing out loud. After babe #2 I am feeling the same way. I saw someone running last night and was feeling so envious. I remember the good old days when I loved running and actually craved it. I will eventually get back there. I will. I will. And you will too. I look forward to hearing your progress. Btw, it was great meeting you at the SVM event a couple of weeks ago. This is the first time I’ve checked out your blog, and I love it!

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