Letter to What’s-Her-Name? You Know…Heidi Montag!

Dear Heidi Montag,

Who are you?

No, seriously.  Who are you?  I’ve read about a million stories about your FFF-cup fake boobs but I’m still not entirely sure why they were newsworthy.  Unless the story was titled “Stupidly Big Fake Boobs and the Women Who Have Them”.

What I’ve been able to piece together without giving in and watching The Hills, something I don’t want to do for fear of instant and irreversible brain atrophy, is that you are on a semi-reality show about your life, if your life had been organized by television producers for maximum appeal to 18-34 year olds.  And not even really your life; it was actually about the life of your roommate, who was an established reality tv presence, and you got pulled into it.  Sort of a reality tv sloppy seconds things. Then you married a guy who is also on the show, and you’ve spent every penny they paid you for being on that show on plastic surgery to transform you from a moderately attractive young woman into a Barbie doll. What I have not been able to ascertain is whether you have any actual talents.  I may be forced to conclude that you don’t have any.

So, why are you on tv and in lots of tabloids?

I think I’m missing some vital step here.  Like, the missing link of reality stardom.  What is The Hills?  How did people wind up on it?  In most reality shows there’s a contest going on and people want to win it or it’s about people who are already sort of famous, like the Kardashians, and people want a window into their lives.  The Hills, from what I hear, is neither.  You and your fellow Hillies are just…pretty-ish people who are on tv. Yeah.  Um…why? Are you all really interesting? Smart? Pursuing cool lines of work like the designers on Project Runway?  Do some of you give up and go home like on Survivor?  Do you sing? Dance? Have catfights?

Oh.  Is that it?  Catfights? Really? Oh.

So Heidi, what we’re saying is that you decided that your American Dream involved a low form of fame built of being dramatic where people could see it – and not the good Meryl-Streep-gifted-actress kind of dramatic, the middle school kind. And when the attention to that pursuit started to fade, you blew up your boobs.

I’m sort of appalled.  Or rather I would be appalled if I could muster up the kind of emotional energy needed for full-on appalled, but really?  You don’t inspire that kind of feeling. I was able to sustain enough mild interest to look at your before and after shots in some magazine or other and I was inspired to look at your Wikipedia page once I decided to blog about you but basically…I got nothing for ya.  At least with Britney Spears I could manage a righteous indignation at the wild inapproriateness of a very young girl dressed in a school uniform using sexual euphemisms. Or with someone like Carrie Prejean  I could decry her for having reactionary views on human relationships. But you, Heidi?  You’re one step up from being a non-entity.  You don’t even really arouse my curiosity, much less passion.

I am aware that I’m not who you’re trying to impress.  You’re trying to get an agent.  Or a better agent.  Or a husband.  Or a better husband.  Or something like that.  You’re also telling thousands of women and girls that they look bad and should be surgically altered because doing so will make them famous and for that?  You pretty much suck.

Anyway, Heidi, far be it from me to tell you how to live the rest of your life because, apart from the plastic surgery and all, I haven’t even really paid any attention to how you’re currently living you life.  I just wanted to say that for all the work you’re doing to try and make an impression, you haven’t made much of one.



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13 comments for “Letter to What’s-Her-Name? You Know…Heidi Montag!

  1. May 18, 2010 at 9:00 am

    I think she was much prettier before she had any of her surgery! I hate what tv did to her!

  2. May 18, 2010 at 9:07 am

    She looked so much better pre-spencer and the hills. I think we are so celeb obessed in this country that anything they do is “newsworthy”. It is really sad and very annoying.

  3. May 18, 2010 at 10:15 am

    Oh! NOW you allow comments. Gah. 🙂 Guess I was too early this morning. I can’t stand her and Spencer. They need to accidentally fall into a very deep hole that no one can get them out of and stay there until they are so hungry that they are forced to decide who lives and who dies and then one can eat the other and then the other one will still die b/c it’ll prolly be Spencer eating Heidi and all that plastic will tear up his stomach.

    Can you tell I haven’t slept in a while? Yeah? I’ll stop talking.

  4. May 18, 2010 at 10:31 am

    I agree with the above comment. She was much better looking before surgery, she was more wholesome and real. I actually think she would have faded in to the background long ago if she hadn’t met and married that jackhole he’s a fame whore and he uses her to get it. BLECH @ both of them!

  5. May 18, 2010 at 11:39 am

    I’ve never seen any of those shows she was on (Was she on multiple shows? I’m unsure.) but I read the people article about her plastic surgery and it made me so sad, because I think she was actually quite pretty beforehand, and now looks rather blah.

  6. May 18, 2010 at 11:39 am

    I don’t understand the whole concept. And it makes me ill the way they are treating her poor mother.

    She looks horrendous.

    And I love your new look.

  7. KLZ
    May 18, 2010 at 12:24 pm

    She looks like she’s in a lot of pain which…is kind of what she signed up for. I’d feel bad for her if I could care.

    Her husband though? Makes me enraged. How can someone that stupid, childish and unprofessional be paid so much more than me?

  8. May 18, 2010 at 12:47 pm

    Once upon a time, Heidi used to be just scary to listen to. Now she’s scary to look at, too. And no, she’s not talented, smart, or interesting.

    Don’t get me started on Spencer. Really. Don’t.

  9. Lo
    May 18, 2010 at 1:46 pm

    I’m so with you! And, I would like to point out, Heidi is from Crested Butte Colorado, which is like the 3rd smallest town in the world where people are all ski-bums and potheads and about as laid-back as it comes…BUT, I will say that it’s also only a few miles from Gunnison, CO, which is regularly Al Roker’s coldest spot in the nation…so maybe she got brain freeze or something. One thing you didn’t mention, though, is the name of her “album” (yes – it needs quotes around it)…It’s “Superficial”. I wonder why she didn’t just call it “Heidi Montag,” it would have had exactly the same meaning!

  10. May 18, 2010 at 3:52 pm

    EWWWW! I really just tune out whenever I hear about her and that wastoid that is her “husband” or whatever.

    she apparently sang too. well, bad like karaoke from what I understand.

    ick ick ick.

  11. May 19, 2010 at 8:42 am

    She is an IDIOT. Seriously, watch this clip (it’s short, so you won’t lose much IQ in the process)


    (And how’s this for scatter brained. I started writing this comment yesterday afternoon!)

  12. May 20, 2010 at 9:40 am

    Heidi is a train wreck. This is what happens when people go on reality television. It would be nice is her and her husband would disappear.

  13. November 8, 2012 at 5:47 am

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