Mama Kat’s Writers Workshop

Yay for Thursdays and Mama Kat for giving me topics to blog about!  Let’s get this party started!

2.) Write a letter to a reality star of your choice.

Dear Jessica Simpson,

Hi honey.  How are you?

Do you remember the good old days?  Back when you were married to Nick and you didn’t know which part of the animal kingdom tuna lived in?  Those were good times.  I loved the 30 minutes I got to spend with you each week.  You would be all ditzy and endearing and I would be all “They let her outside without adult supervision?  How has she never wandered into traffic?”

But I liked you!  You were sweet and you said things in interviews that made me like you more.  Like when you told Elle or Vogue or some magazine that you thought pop stars needed to pay closer attention to how their behavior looked to their very young fans.  I LOVED that!  It seemed to show great depth of character beneath the blonde exterior. Then you would go on tv and talk about how excited you were to shoot a magazine cover and not need any hair extensions.  And the questions of depth seemed resolved once and for all.

I bought your album, you know.  The one where you covered “Take My Breath Away”.  And I started watching your sister’s reality show even though she was all kinds of annoying.  It’s possible that I bought one of her first singles off iTunes.  That’s how much I liked you, Jess.  I was supporting your whole family. I did it even knowing that your creepy dad would probably get a cut.  But it was ok.

What wasn’t ok was when CaCee came on the scene.  And Ken Paves.  That’s why Nick and you split, wasn’t it?  It was Ken.  I don’t like him Jessica.  He’s a sycophant.  And he’s had too much stuff injected into his lips. And he convinced you to inject stuff into your lips that one time.  I don’t like him and he makes me not like you.

I want to be there for you now, Jessica.  I felt bad about the whole fat-jeans flap.  I thought you looked ok.  Maybe it wasn’t your best outfit but I bet I wore something bad that day too but no one photographed me. And I was cheering for you when you directed your hurt and a outrage into a series about beauty in many cultures.  I was gonna watch it, Jess!  I wanted to see, I wanted to learn!  I was ready for another reality tv adventure with you!

But not with CaCee.  And her giggle. And the dumb spelling of her name,  And definitely not with Ken. I just can’t watch Ken.

I’m DVRing The Price of Beauty, Jessica.  I have a whole bunch of episodes saved.  But I don’t know.  I may not ever watch them.  My sister saw one and said you and CaCee screamed like Justin Bieber fans over something that wasn’t a traditional Western beauty treatment. In front of the people who use it. Didn’t your mother teach you not to do that?  She’s always seemed polite.  And Nick never would have mocked the native culture in a foreign land.  But CaCee and Ken?  They egg you on.  They make you more shallow.

Maybe someday we’ll be able to hang out again, Jessica.  Maybe you’ll jettison the entourage and start singing pretty songs again. Maybe we can go egg John Mayer’s house for all the pervy stuff he said about you.  Something real.  But this tour of the developing world with people who don’t respect anything short of Rodeo Drive?  I can’t go there with you.  I just can’t.



Mama's Losin' It

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12 comments for “Mama Kat’s Writers Workshop

  1. Jen
    April 15, 2010 at 8:53 am

    I too used to like Jessica. She used to make me happy. But now, I just don’t know. Why does this always seem to happen to the ‘good’ people.

  2. KLZ
    April 15, 2010 at 9:40 am

    I’m down for egging John Mayer’s house. I used to like him an d now I feel like a schmo.

    Thanks a lot Mayer.

  3. April 15, 2010 at 10:28 am


    I love J. Simp but I loved her more with Nick & confusion over Tuna & when she didn’t know how to clean up spilled water.

    But I still love her. & I still rock out to her early tunes.

  4. April 15, 2010 at 11:17 am

    Poor Jessica. She’s so desperate to regain the spotlight….

  5. Dan
    April 15, 2010 at 2:07 pm

    I have to admit I was never a great fan of Jessica. And that I have become even less of a fan as the years have passed and she hangs with even more inane crowds.

    But I will say that some of Ashlee’s music was pretty good. Then she went gaga over Pete and seemed determined to emulate her sister. Oh well.

  6. April 15, 2010 at 3:36 pm

    You can tell her I agree with you…

    I have done the same, watched her – watched her sister – been creeped out by her daddy.

    Where is our sweet old Jessica? I want her back.

    p.s. I have 3 dozen eggs in my refrigerator…I just got back from Costco.

  7. April 15, 2010 at 4:33 pm

    You are so funny. I love it. Very personal. Very REAL. Laughing out loud over here.

  8. April 15, 2010 at 5:30 pm

    I can’t decide if I like her or not. I saw the episode where she laughed at the budhist priest and I thought that was a little disrespectful.

  9. April 16, 2010 at 10:48 pm

    She’s a dumbass for letting Nick go. He was the only thing keeping her grounded. Lord knows her daddy isn’t!

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