Breaking Dawn: MY Twilight Saga Concludes

Oh. My. God.

Where do I even start with this book?  There’s too much of it to fit neatly into my fake diary entry format like I did with the others.  There is so much to mock!  Where do I begin?

I know!  Let’s start by mocking the grown-ass married mother with a master’s degree who was carrying this misbegotten book into the bathroom at work to try and sneak in a  few paragraphs here and there. To say it was a page-turner is to insult page-turners everywhere.  This book was like a progressive disease that an army of epidemiologist couldn’t stop . This book was like the mental equivalent of the bubonic plague.  It lived in my head like plague fleas live on rats and it sucked my will to do anything but read it.  It is the vampire of books!  It stole my intellect soul!

For those of you who need reminding, this was the book that picked up at the point where Bella capitulated to everything Edward wanted in order to get laid and get turned into a vampire.  Edward agreed to sleep with her on their wedding night, which was just as magical as every Harlequin Romance novel ever suggested it could be! Then, miracle of miracles, Bella got knocked up!  Yes!  Vampire baby!  Which gestate in no time, though the pregnancy is pretty damn brutal.  So brutal that the novel needed to switch perspective and be told from the point of view of the guy Bella didn’t marry but who can’t let go.  Yes, a vampire baby pregnancy takes about 200 pages of werewolf whining to come to fruition.  And then it kills her.  But her vampire husband will inject vampire venom directly into her heart like the overdose scene in Pulp Fiction where John Travolta stabs Uma Thurman in the chest with a 75-foot-long needle while Eric Stolz and one of the Arqettes watch.

And the book still. Isn’t. Over.

Bella’s a vampire, she names her daughter something stupid, Jacob the werewolf bonds for life with the baby, the ruling class of vampires comes to kill them but the Truth Shall Apparently Set You Free From The Volturi and Bella and Edward live happily eternally ever after.


Alright, I know I’m the biggest Twilight party pooper out there but when everyone else is all “Team Edward!  Team Jacob!” I’m all “Team Erica eff-ing Jong!  Let’s get Bella a zipless f@ck STAT! And can we have some classic feminism here right away?” I’m not saying promiscuity is the answer to teenage ills and bad self-image among women – far from it – I’m saying the Bella is not the answer either.  Somewhere between Fear of Flying and Breaking Dawn there are heroines who are strong, funny, smart, flawed, honest, and human.  You find them every day in chick lit, on blogs, on shows like Desperate Housewives where women routinely save the world but trip over their own feet while doing it, and walking down the streets of our towns. And we find the male equivalents of these women in the same places but no one is putting their faces inside the crotches of underwear.

Look, I understand about entertainment.  And I understand that vampires are hot and sexy and totally in the realm of fantasy.  And that it’s all very, very romantic on some level.  But these books leave Bella powerless most of the time.  She very seldom seizes control of her destiny.  She waits, she cajoles, she begs, she daydreams but she takes so little action that I wonder why she’s a character at all. Does anyone want to emulate her?  Or is the appeal that she’s such a blank slate that girls can super-impose their own identities on her and pretend that Edward loves them and only them? And are we all supposed to applaud girls who stay away from nasty real boys because they’re waiting for a love as eternal and pure as Edward’s?  Or can we all admit that this is yet another iteration of the Prince Charming myths that we all know lead to fairy-tale weddings and vacant marriages that crumble before our eyes.

Look, fairy tales are all well and good but how many of us married a prince?  Not me.  I married a hot, sexy, smart, funny frog. And that after kissing a lot of less impressive frogs along the way  (some of whom may have been vampire frogs because they seemed to suck my will to live out of me). I didn’t arrive at the altar pure and unsullied like Bella.  I got there with a firm grasp of who I was an individual and realistic expectations of who my husband could, should, and would be for the rest of our lives.

So, I got my happily ever after because I took the time to know me and know what would make me happy and went out and found it for myself.  No vampire venom required.  And THAT’S the lesson girls need to learn.

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15 comments for “Breaking Dawn: MY Twilight Saga Concludes

  1. April 20, 2010 at 8:39 am

    I am laughing so damm hard! You are spot on, I read all of them also and wanted to puke and demand my countless wasted hours back! Now you can get on the wait list for her new book and read it too LOL!

  2. Mae
    April 20, 2010 at 8:51 am

    So glad I wasn’t alone in mentally comparing the venom injection to the Pulp Fiction scene! I’m almost sorry there aren’t more books because your reviews are so much fun. But, no. Not really. I’d never get anything done ever again.

  3. April 20, 2010 at 9:11 am

    Although I love the vivid descriptive loathing here that did nothing more than bring all allergy infected fluids to the surface of my face in laughter, I can safely say that it is I who am the biggest Twilight party pooper out there. I’m happy to award you 2nd tho. Great post! I may have to read it again before the day is over.

  4. KLZ
    April 20, 2010 at 9:57 am

    My favorite part of this book is how Meyer makes married sex sound mind-blowingly awesome. If you’re a vampire and can tear down houses during sex that is.

  5. April 20, 2010 at 10:07 am

    I’m so glad you’re done, because this was the craptacular book I so wanted reviewed! Totally glossed over vampire sex; superfast growing baby that’s eating mom from the inside; Bella becoming the most perfect, beautiful, powerful, controlled vampire on the planet in four minutes; a teenage werewolf creepily bonding to a newborn (the pedophilia implications are hurl-worthy); and of course, icky baby vampire who suddenly becomes some sort of blood-sucking toddler/adult. It’s like the most awesomely bad thing ever.

  6. April 20, 2010 at 2:57 pm

    I love you. The end.

  7. April 20, 2010 at 3:05 pm

    Okay, I am in the minority here. I LOVE Twilight (and I am not a Tween) I love Edward, much to my husbands dismay I wear my Team Edward tshirt everywhere, yep, I am “That” kind of fan. All that being said, the last book was my least favorite.

    The part that annoyed me the most…once Bella turned into a vampire, she was all skanked out. I mean who goes hunting for prey in stilettos?!?!

  8. April 20, 2010 at 3:17 pm

    That was totally wicked! Love the review…won’t read the books. 😉

  9. emma
    April 24, 2010 at 9:08 am

    I Love that someone else HATED this series. Everyone else I know has drank the Edward KoolAid and I just do not get it. I never got past book one and I have read every other vampire series out there. Book one was an accurate depiction of H.S. love but why on earth would anyone want to read about it. I was especially annoyed at how helpless her character was portrayed. She wasn’t even safe walking without Edwards firm hand guiding her because she was such a klutz? Puke.

  10. anthrogrrl
    April 27, 2010 at 6:22 pm

    I got completely sucked into the series, personally, but I acknowledged that it was the literary equivalent of a pint of Ben and Jerry’s and let the obsession end there. However, there is something important that you should know about the author that makes things make a little more sense: she’s Mormon. Hence, no modern feminist viewpoint; hence, no premarital sex (but LOTS of unsatisfying necking); hence, life’s ultimate meaning found when Bella “converts” to vampirism. But maybe I’m just saying that because I just moved to LDS-land. *smile*

  11. Megan
    July 8, 2010 at 9:00 am

    Love it! Hate Twilight! Want to slap the shit out of Bella!

  12. Ashli
    July 8, 2010 at 9:57 am

    I read all 4 Twilight books in 2 weeks. I feel like that is some sort of AA confession: Hello, I have a degree in English literature, yet I read Twilight. Sad. And I hate them for all of the reasons you have pointed out, yet I still love the. Sigh. So pathetic. My inability to resist them almost makes me see how powerless Bella feels. Almost…but no one is really that pathetic are they? Let’s hope not. Anyway, book 4 was the most difficult for me to read, because I kid you not, every time they said the name of Bella’s daughter I would sit there for several minutes thinking how STUPID OF A NAME THAT IS. Seriously. Dumbest name ever. I just could not get over it. And I’m sure when I go see the movie (multiple times, probably…is there a support group out there for this?) I will squirm every time they say it.
    P.S. You’re freakin hilarious!

  13. Amy in Atlanta
    July 8, 2010 at 8:58 pm

    Books are boring. On the other hand…..Wolf Pack of shirtless hot Native American men in the movies…..

  14. Iara's Chamber
    July 15, 2011 at 3:36 pm

    I agree with everything emma says…lol everyone has drank the Edward KoolAid!! I LOVE vampires!! These are not vampires!! Vampires EAT PEOPLE!! They are sexy yes but they are gory horrible monsters!!! That’s why they are supposed to scare you and haunt your nightmares! They seduce you to succumb to their will and then suck you dry…not sparkle in the sunlight…This book has started a plague I kid you not, a plague of vampire romance novels. My 8yr old cousin told me “kids love vampires and goths” WTF?! lol Kids are supposed to run screaming the other way when they see vampires!! lol
    Your review was hilarious though. 🙂 And yes I know perhaps I am a little dramatic here 😛

  15. kim
    March 18, 2012 at 1:03 am

    “So, I got my happily ever after because I took the time to know me and know what would make me happy and went out and found it for myself”

    Most awesome sentence ever! I keep telling my adult serial monogamist daughter that!

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