Some of you participated in the awesome endeavor of getting me up to 50 fans on my Facebook page. a few weeks ago The end result of that was a warm fuzzy feeling in the cockles of my soul…and I had to read Twilight, a book I have mocked and berated my friends for reading. To prove I read it, I wrote three reports on this literary phenomenon on Facebook. For those of you who did not read my stunning insights over there, I will now share them with you in their entirety, right here on my little old blog.
And I will confess that for all my mocking, I am totally hooked on the series and am in the middle of book number three. (bows head in anticipation of chorus of “I told you so”!). And because I have succumbed to the compulsion to read the whole series, it seems only fair that I report back on it. Watch this space over the next few weeks for more Twilight book reports. And don’t think I’m not aware of what my AP English teacher would have said to me if I’d tried to write a term paper on Twilight.
Warning: Spoiler alert. Nothing is sacred.
Excerpt from the Diary of Bella Swan:
I moved in with my dad in this little podunk town where it rains a lot. I know I said I wanted to do this but what I think I really wanted was my mom to beg to to stay with her. I don’t know why she didn’t. I guess she loves her new husband more than me. Oh well. I guess I’ll just cook, clean and study and be the most perfect teen-age daughter imaginable for my dad and hope he pays attention to me because I’m lonely.
School is ok. There’s a cute guy named Mike who likes me but I think he’s boring. There’s another guy named Edward who doesn’t like me at all sometimes but other time he totally seems like he does. He’s HAWT. And brooding. And mysterious. I’m totally crushing on him even though he sort of freaks me out.
Do you think if I brought home the HAWT brooding guy my parents would notice me?
Excerpt from the Diary of Edward Cullen:
There’s a new chick at school. She’s cute. Kinda annoying but I’d do her. I might just fuck with her head though. My brother bet me fifty bucks I couldn’t convince her I’m a vampire. Game on, bro! Gimme some body glitter and colored contacts and I’ll have her begging to give me her blood.
Oh. My God. I’m about three chapters into this Carneval De Adjectives and I can already see where this is headed, vampire plot notwithstanding. Bella likes the brooding loner. The brooding loner is Nothing. But. Trouble. It’s a tale as old as time and it never ends well. Trust me. I know. I’m the one who spent most of 11th grade nurturing an unrequited crush on the black-clad, skateboard-riding editor of my high school literary magazine. How did that end? With me still having a crush and him graduating! Plus, he never published my poetry! If this were real life and Edward weren’t actually a vampire, but instead the vampire-idolizing Goth guy he would be in a non-fantasy novel, Bella would date him, drive him everywhere in her retro truck, buy him pot, write his college entrance essays for him, and he’d dump her for a girl who could quote Proust. In French. But there will be no stopping Bella. She’s gonna be sure she can fix him, that her love is the magic ingredient to soothe his troubled soul.
Oh Bella. You are such a deluded little nitwit.
Now, excuse me, I’m off to read some more.
Warning: Spoiler Alert. I’m not holding back.
Entry from the Diarty of Bella Swan:
OMG!!!! That HAWT guy in my bio class? Is a VAMPIRE!
Entry from the Diary of Edward Cullen
The new chick totally buys the vampire thing. I owe Jacob Black a six pack of Rolling Rock for setting up the backstory but he promised to share. Par-tay!
Oh, my GOD Bella, run! Run like the wind, girl! Edward is NO GOOD! Listen, sister. Men are simple creatures. They say what they mean. The hot Marine who tells you how he’s cheated on every girlfriend he’s ever had? Will cheat on you. The musician who tells you loves pot more than sex? Will smoke dope rather than hang out with you even if you’re naked. The rich lawyer who spends your first date on his Blackberry bragging about what a workaholic he is? Is banging his paralegal at the office late at night. So when Edward tells you he’s dangerous and you should back off, you should back. the hell. off. Because you know – you KNOW – that something bad is going to happen.
Also? Is he gay? Because I have never met a 17 year old guy, vampire or not, who could resist copping a feel when sitting next to the cute chick in bio class during a movie with the lights out. He’s like an Amish vampire or something the way he doesn’t make a move. Lord, almighty the tension between them is making *me* all horny. I feel like chewing ice while reading this book. I may need to find a silver Volvo and jump my husband in the back seat just so I can feel like someone is getting some action during this drama.
And why is he in high school anyhow?
Oh, and by the way? I’m hooked. I’m 250 pages into this sucker, I damn near tripped on an escalator this morning because I was trying to read and walk. Who’s a Twilight dork? This girl!
Warning: Spoiler alert.
Entry from the Diary of Bella Swan:
Edward is my booooyyyyyfreeeiiinnndddd!
Entry from the Diary of Edward Cullen
Saved Bella’s life. Now I’ve gotta take her to prom. I have got to lose this chick. Maybe I’ll leave the country.
Wow. Did anyone else read “Then Again Maybe I Won’t” by Judy Blume? It’s all about an adolescent boy trying to deal with being an adolescent boy and a major theme was how he dealt with getting erections in class. He would silently chant “Mind over matter, mind over matter.” I can only think Edward Cullen read that book because he kept quoting that when he told Bella why he wasn’t going to kill her, sleep with her, or turn her into a vampire.
I know I was supposed to fall in love with Edward because he’s the perfect gentleman who will save your life, preserve your purity, and love you unconditionally, but OH MY GOD that whole emo thing is just so tired! “I’m a vampire with a conscience! I am isolated from all of my kind but my family! I love you but it’s sooooo haaarrrddddd to feel my feeeeelllliinnngggggsssss! ” Man up, Edward! Girls like a little assertiveness. Just ask Patti Stanger of the Millionaire Matchmaker. Men should hunt! Men should be masculine! Men should choose smart women over 30 and not just dingalings with fake boos and a good colorist to make them blonde! Take that shallow Hollywood millionaires!
OK, right, sorry about the Millionaire Matchmaker tangent. I love that show so much. Anyw
ay, assertiveness. Lord knows Bella could use some so she doesn’t just meander through life staring wide eyed at Edward while he prevents other fictional monsters from eating her alive. Also? Why did the author skip over the whole vampire fight scene? She gave us a billion pages on vampire baseball but no description on what Clash of the Vampires would look like. Hello! This is America! Blood and Guts please!
Maybe the second book gets gorier. Hmm. I should buy it now…