Some of you participated in the awesome endeavor of getting me up to 50 fans on my Facebook page. a few weeks ago The end result of that was a warm fuzzy feeling in the cockles of my soul…and I had to read Twilight, a book I have mocked and berated my friends for reading. To prove I read it, I wrote three reports on this literary phenomenon on Facebook. For those of you who did not read my stunning insights over there, I will now share them with you in their entirety, right here on my little old blog.
And I will confess that for all my mocking, I am totally hooked on the series and am in the middle of book number three. (bows head in anticipation of chorus of “I told you so”!). And because I have succumbed to the compulsion to read the whole series, it seems only fair that I report back on it. Watch this space over the next few weeks for more Twilight book reports. And don’t think I’m not aware of what my AP English teacher would have said to me if I’d tried to write a term paper on Twilight.
Part One:
Warning: Spoiler alert. Nothing is sacred.
***
Excerpt from the Diary of Bella Swan:
Dear Diary,
I moved in with my dad in this little podunk town where it rains a lot. I know I said I wanted to do this but what I think I really wanted was my mom to beg to to stay with her. I don’t know why she didn’t. I guess she loves her new husband more than me. Oh well. I guess I’ll just cook, clean and study and be the most perfect teen-age daughter imaginable for my dad and hope he pays attention to me because I’m lonely.
School is ok. There’s a cute guy named Mike who likes me but I think he’s boring. There’s another guy named Edward who doesn’t like me at all sometimes but other time he totally seems like he does. He’s HAWT. And brooding. And mysterious. I’m totally crushing on him even though he sort of freaks me out.
Do you think if I brought home the HAWT brooding guy my parents would notice me?
Love, Bella.
***
Excerpt from the Diary of Edward Cullen:
There’s a new chick at school. She’s cute. Kinda annoying but I’d do her. I might just fuck with her head though. My brother bet me fifty bucks I couldn’t convince her I’m a vampire. Game on, bro! Gimme some body glitter and colored contacts and I’ll have her begging to give me her blood.
***
Oh. My God. I’m about three chapters into this Carneval De Adjectives and I can already see where this is headed, vampire plot notwithstanding. Bella likes the brooding loner. The brooding loner is Nothing. But. Trouble. It’s a tale as old as time and it never ends well. Trust me. I know. I’m the one who spent most of 11th grade nurturing an unrequited crush on the black-clad, skateboard-riding editor of my high school literary magazine. How did that end? With me still having a crush and him graduating! Plus, he never published my poetry! If this were real life and Edward weren’t actually a vampire, but instead the vampire-idolizing Goth guy he would be in a non-fantasy novel, Bella would date him, drive him everywhere in her retro truck, buy him pot, write his college entrance essays for him, and he’d dump her for a girl who could quote Proust. In French. But there will be no stopping Bella. She’s gonna be sure she can fix him, that her love is the magic ingredient to soothe his troubled soul.
Oh Bella. You are such a deluded little nitwit.
Now, excuse me, I’m off to read some more.
Part Two
Warning: Spoiler Alert. I’m not holding back.
***
Entry from the Diarty of Bella Swan:
Dear Diary,
OMG!!!! That HAWT guy in my bio class? Is a VAMPIRE!
***
Entry from the Diary of Edward Cullen
The new chick totally buys the vampire thing. I owe Jacob Black a six pack of Rolling Rock for setting up the backstory but he promised to share. Par-tay!
***
Oh, my GOD Bella, run! Run like the wind, girl! Edward is NO GOOD! Listen, sister. Men are simple creatures. They say what they mean. The hot Marine who tells you how he’s cheated on every girlfriend he’s ever had? Will cheat on you. The musician who tells you loves pot more than sex? Will smoke dope rather than hang out with you even if you’re naked. The rich lawyer who spends your first date on his Blackberry bragging about what a workaholic he is? Is banging his paralegal at the office late at night. So when Edward tells you he’s dangerous and you should back off, you should back. the hell. off. Because you know – you KNOW – that something bad is going to happen.
Also? Is he gay? Because I have never met a 17 year old guy, vampire or not, who could resist copping a feel when sitting next to the cute chick in bio class during a movie with the lights out. He’s like an Amish vampire or something the way he doesn’t make a move. Lord, almighty the tension between them is making *me* all horny. I feel like chewing ice while reading this book. I may need to find a silver Volvo and jump my husband in the back seat just so I can feel like someone is getting some action during this drama.
And why is he in high school anyhow?
Oh, and by the way? I’m hooked. I’m 250 pages into this sucker, I damn near tripped on an escalator this morning because I was trying to read and walk. Who’s a Twilight dork? This girl!
Part Three
Warning: Spoiler alert.
***
Entry from the Diary of Bella Swan:
Dear Diary,
Edward is my booooyyyyyfreeeiiinnndddd!
***
Entry from the Diary of Edward Cullen
Saved Bella’s life. Now I’ve gotta take her to prom. I have got to lose this chick. Maybe I’ll leave the country.
***
Wow. Did anyone else read “Then Again Maybe I Won’t” by Judy Blume? It’s all about an adolescent boy trying to deal with being an adolescent boy and a major theme was how he dealt with getting erections in class. He would silently chant “Mind over matter, mind over matter.” I can only think Edward Cullen read that book because he kept quoting that when he told Bella why he wasn’t going to kill her, sleep with her, or turn her into a vampire.
I know I was supposed to fall in love with Edward because he’s the perfect gentleman who will save your life, preserve your purity, and love you unconditionally, but OH MY GOD that whole emo thing is just so tired! “I’m a vampire with a conscience! I am isolated from all of my kind but my family! I love you but it’s sooooo haaarrrddddd to feel my feeeeelllliinnngggggsssss! ” Man up, Edward! Girls like a little assertiveness. Just ask Patti Stanger of the Millionaire Matchmaker. Men should hunt! Men should be masculine! Men should choose smart women over 30 and not just dingalings with fake boos and a good colorist to make them blonde! Take that shallow Hollywood millionaires!
OK, right, sorry about the Millionaire Matchmaker tangent. I love that show so much. Anyw
ay, assertiveness. Lord knows Bella could use some so she doesn’t just meander through life staring wide eyed at Edward while he prevents other fictional monsters from eating her alive. Also? Why did the author skip over the whole vampire fight scene? She gave us a billion pages on vampire baseball but no description on what Clash of the Vampires would look like. Hello! This is America! Blood and Guts please!
Maybe the second book gets gorier. Hmm. I should buy it now…
All I can say is that Twilight is the best series ever and I've watched the movie like 100 times. You can go ahead and tease me now, I'm used to it. And, I think one of the things about the whole no sex (which I was waiting for) and lack of intensity in fight scenes (which I was kinda peeved about) is that it's for like young people. Not her fault all of us old moms got hooked on it too!
Ded.
I have read the series (including the partially finished online version of Midnight Sun) no less than 5 times. I am convinced the pages are laced with heroin, because no matter how predictable, cliche and poorly written these books are, I. Must. Read. Them.
Now you know.
Also, Patti Stanger rocks my socks.
I love it. And I kinda agree with CaneWife… it might be heroin….
I love Edward's take on things here. How could he not want to lose that annoying nitwit? She'd make me run screaming for the hills.
And yet…I read all four books. The fourth was a bit…much. And that's saying something.
OK, Rebecca, I had resisted the impulse to watch Twilight as well. I haven't read the books because, frankly, I just don't read books all that often unless I'm on vacation and can really melt into them. Even on bed rest I can't wrap my head around a book. But, with that being said, Twilight just happened to be running on Showtime, so one day I decided to watch it. That was the end. On March 20, when New Moon was released, I had my husband at the movie store at 10 am to get me a copy of it so I could see it immediately. It is as Edward says, "My own personal brand of heroine". Very addicting. I may watch all the movies first and then read the books to keep the saga going since I'm sure they won't reproduce all the books into movies. This love story is so beautiful, it's similar to Phantom of the Opera love story, it just makes your heart swell!
1. LMAO espesh
2 "It's so hard to feel my feelings". Seriously, dead.
3. I too resisted and am now an addict. It happens fast, yo.
4. If my daughter ever does any of this she's moving to a nunnery. And undergoing shock therapy.
5. Team Edward 4 Lyfe
New follower here! LOVE this! 🙂
http://www.thetarrpit.blogspot.com
I got dragged to the first movie by a friend against my will. I also vowed never to read these. Then….I thought I might. This is so not my usual thing but expanding horizons and all that. Plus, I want to see what the fuss is about.
I didn't read past "spoiler alert" just in case. Maybe I should just do it.
Wonderful post, numerous interesting points. I recall five of days ago, I have viewed a similar blog.
I agree with CaneWife. Definitely heroin. Before I impulse bought Twilight last spring to take on vacation, I said I was impervious to sparkly vampire foolishness.
Four books, two movies, and neverending relentless mocking from my husband later, I’m seasoning up those words for dinner.
Brilliant diary entries, though. Simply brilliant!
am i the only non twilight fan in the world? i read all books (after everyone and their mother asked had i named baby after bella) and watched the first 2 movies (after vowing NEVER to do so) and all i could think the whole way through is, bella is an idiot (and i should consider renaming my child, just in case, you know, people with the same name share the same attributes), edward is abusive (in a controlling, manipulating kind of way), and jacob is clueless (dude. she doesn’t “like you” like you). but i kept reading, HOPING that they would get better. the fourth one was the only semi redemptive one, and then i felt like a was reading a paper written by a 4th grader (and then, the troll lights the warlock on fire with his magic wand!) really?
but what is HI-larious is that i <3 true blood. which is basically the same. exact. thing. just for grown ups. eh.
all told, this was funny and you have a new fan =)