My butt is lumpy and sad. It’s white and covered in cellulite and not perky. At. All. It’s not the biggest butt on the block but it’s not the smallest either. It has no muscle tone. It looks a lot what I imagine the landscape of Antarctica to look like only without penguins
An Essay by Mom-In-A-Million
I made the mistake of looking at my butt in the mirror recently and decided it was time to do something about it. There are a lot of choices for butt improvement plans out there. I could shred it. I could pump it. I could make it run, step, or kick-box. Pretty much anything would be better than what I subject it to now which is, um, sitting on it. And covering it with pants that have a flattering drape.
Since my free time is limited to the hours of 8:30pm-10:27pm (10:27 being the time I usually fall asleep, sitting up in bed, with the light on and a book still balanced on my chest), going to the gym is pretty much out. Something like Wii Fit sounds intriguing but that requires a major equipment purchase, namely a Wii Fit. I thought I was going to have to resort to finding exercise videos on OnDemand when my mom offered to send me a pair of these:
These are MBT shoes. That stands for Masai Barefoot Technology but I’m going to call them My Butt Tighteners. They have a funky curved sole that is supposed to make your legs work in some magical way that will tone the whole lower half of your body. I had read about them and was all “Sign me up for the miracle butt shoes!” until I saw the price tag. I was shopping around for a cheaper version when my mom told me she had a pair that didn’t really fit her and she would ship them to me. Thanks, Mom!
Since I walk a fair amount, I want to think that these shoes combined with my usual routine will be the magic formula to make my butt look less like a bag of oatmeal and more like a real butt. Meanwhile, I’ve been wearing them during my non-office hours for the past several days and, while my butt looks and feels no different, I can say that wearing them feels a little like walking down the sloping deck of a moving boat.
I will keep you all apprised of my butt’s progress (because I know everyone lives for that). If this experiment fails, maybe I can find someone to give me a free Wii Fit.