I got a cool-looking catalog in the mail last night. Or rather, the lady who used to own our house got it but I didn’t think she’d mind if I flipped through it and it said “Lady Who Used To Live Here or Current Resident” so it’s not mail tampering. It was one of these catalogs filled with home and garden gadgets and as the proud recent owner of a home and garden, I thought it would be good practice to study up on what kind of gadgets I might need. I really like the idea of catalog shopping, much in the same way I like Amazon.com, because it means I don’t have to carve out time to o to a bricks and mortar store and wander the aisles wondering if the a can-opener would be in the Kitchen Ease Aisle or the Food Prep Aisle of whatever homewares store is intimidating me and making me feel like a bad cook and worse housekeeper.
So, this catalog. It’s called Surroundings or something like that and it had some neat stuff in it like one of those things that you lay across the sink to add fake counter space for cooking prep. I showed it to the Great Guy I married and we agreed that $19.95 was much cheaper than the full-on kitchen renovation that I lust after and I decided to make a note to order it the next day. What a brilliant catalog!
As I kept flipping pages it became apparent to me that my mother must get this catalog. Not surprising since she gets every catalog known to man. My dad somehow got put in charge of canceling all the catalogu she got when they were getting ready to move and he said there were about eleventy-billion of them (actually, I think he said about 50 of them but eleventy-billion sounds much more dramatic). I knew this was one mom had been getting because it contained the weird toe-separating socks that she had given me for Christmas two years ago. A few pages on I found the micro-fiber dishtowels she had given me this past Christmas. Huh. I now know the where Santa shops, at least in my family.
I kept flipping pages. Doo-dee-doo, gardening hats, doo-dee-doo, serving bowls, doo-dee-doo…huh, look at that bottle of bubble bath or dishsoap dispenser or something. How funny is that bottle? It looks like (giggle) a vibrator! So does the one right next to it. Holy shit! Those are vibrators! Right next to the stick-up shower-shelves for holding shampoo! Vibrators right out in the open for anyone to see, even my mom…OH MY GOD! MY MOM GETS THIS CATALOG! She does her Christmas shopping from this catalog! Am I going to get a vibrator from this dirty porn catalog next Christmas? I don’t want a vibrator, I just want that thing that adds to my counter space, everything else is my house, including the Great Guy I Married is totally sufficient, if you know what I mean. No additions or enhancement needed. No vibrators in my stocking please! Though the shower shelves might be really useful…