I am related, through marriage, to brilliant Nerdcore Rapper MC Frontalont. What is Nerdcore you ask? It’s rap. About nerdy stuff. Seriously, it’s a whole genre with a devoted following. You’ve just never heard of it because you don’t play World of Warcraft. And you’re not related to Front, as his fans call him. Front is this incredibly smart and talented guy who is my brother-in-law’s step-brother. He performed my sister’s wedding (not as Front, mind you, but as himself, a mild-mannered guy named Damien.) He has written musicals about zombies, years before zombies got all trendy. He is also the voice of the TP Factory Rapper in “Elmo’s Potty Time”. Yeah, You heard me. Elmo. The Elmo. I am less than six degrees from Elmo. I’m keeping that under my hat because if C. finds out about it, he might insist I use my celebrity connections to get behind the velvet rope and, boy, would he be disappointed when he found out that the velvet rope is not standing between him and Elmo but between him and some kick-ass Nerdcore that has nothing at all to do with Sesame Street.
So, back to MC Frontalot. I’ve never actually seen him perform live, though I’ve seen Nerdcore Rising, a documentary about him. I also got drunk with his mother at Christmas dinner a few years ago and laughed so hard at stuff she said that I was in physical pain. I don’t remember what we were laughing about but, boy, was it funny. And, boy, was that some good wine.
ANYWAY, I’m really going to get back on track here. My sister went to one of Front’s shows recently and told me about an audience participation thing he does. People call out their petty frustrations like “My internet is too slow!” and the crowd responds “First world problem!”. First World Problem could have been the title for this blog if I had thought of it first and not needed to rip the idea off from Front. My weekend was riddled with First World Problems and thus, this post, is about – you guessed it – First World Problems.
- My house does not have a dishwasher. This alone is a problem. Buying a dishwasher was supposed to be a top priority once we moved in but it’s been pushed back thanks to a series of houseguests and blizzards. After a month of hand-washing everything, we are starting to lose our senses of humor about it. So, we went dishwasher shopping yesterday. I spent 30 whole minutes reading Consumer Reports online so I knew which dishwasher was in our price range and would leave our dishes reasonably clean. It was right there in the Sears showroom, ready for us to purchase. But the 17-year-old kid who wanted to sell it to us seemed unclear about what we meant when we asked “Can you guys install this in a kitchen that doesn’t already have a dishwasher?”. To his credit, he made some calls to ask about that instead of just selling us a dishwasher and hoping for the best. But the upshot was a Sears crew would need to come and do an estimate to see if they could install it and charge us $70 to look at our cabinets. Um, no. So, we still don’t have a dishwasher and we need to find a contractor who inspires more confidence than Sears.
- I like fashion magazines. I subscribe to fashion magazines. I don’t have a whole lot of time to devote to fashion magazines. So when I get one in the mail, I want to be able to quickly flip to the features about skin-care, advice columns, and horoscopes. This is not possible because the table of contents is usually buried under 100 pages of Marc Jacobs advertising. Why? Why must I see a hundred pages of Marc before I can find out what page Ask E. Jean is on? If I had time to peruse a hundred pages, I wouldn’t need a table of contents at all. Please, put the table of content before the content. Please?
- There are raisins all over my house. Every time I look at the floor I see a raisin. Even if C. hasn’t been eating raisins, boom. Raisins. I think they’re breeding.
- Easter is only a few weeks away and that means one thing: time to worship at the altar of Cadbury. Oh, yes. Cadbury eggs are back in the stores. I LOVE Cadbury eggs. In the weeks leading up to Easter, I feel something akin to lust when I pass a CVS knowing there are Cadbury eggs inside. I like to eat them by biting off the chocolate tip of the eggs then licking the filling out before finishing the rest of the chocolate shell. Oh, yum. I’m considering a trip to CVS just thinking about it. So, what’s the problem? The caramel eggs – they’re nowhere to be found. I haven’t seen ANY caramel Cadbury eggs. Just the cream ones and orange ones (And orange cream? Ew.). The caramel ones are the best and I can’t find them anywhere. Where did the caramel eggs go? Have the been discontinued? If so, why? I know sales of them are good because I buy a metric ton of them every spring. I want my caramel eggs! I want them!
- My pants are a little tight and I think it’s because I’ve been filling the void left by missing caramel eggs with the classic Cadbury cream eggs.
Got First World Problems of you own? Please share!
Very good written story. It will be valuable to anyone who employess it, as well as me. Keep up the good work – for sure i will check out more posts.